"You? I don't need shit from you. I want to talk to my mom."
He's quiet for a second and I wonder if he's surprised. If he actually thought I would be crawling back to them. I'm sure he missed his verbal punching bag, but then he opens his mouth and says, "I guess it's too bad she doesn't want to talk to you. You might think it's just me, you little shit, but it's not. Did you ever think she was counting down the days until she could get rid of you? That she regretted everything about you? It's not like you ever gave her anything to be proud of. What have you done, boy? What have you ever done that matters besides making our lives hell?"
My drink drops out of my hand, but I manage to hold on to Priscilla's. I don't know why those words hit me so hard—why they happen to scream above all the other insults imprinted into my brain. Was she really anxious for me to go? Did I ruin her life?
Do I really not matter?
"Mike! I'm ready!" I hear Mom in the background.
Ask him who he's talking to. Ask if it's me. Say you want to talk to me.
"Finally getting it aren't you, boy?" Mike says, and then he hangs up.
My hand begs me to squeeze, to crush the phone.
I don't matter. I don't matter. I don't matter.
God, I feel like such a pu**y. I can't breathe. My chest feels tight and the emotion makes me angrier. The urge to yell crawls up my throat. I want to hit something—the wall, the ground, anything. I want some other kind of pain so I don't feel the one inside.
I fall back against the wall, his words still slamming into me.
"Jay? You over here?" Priscilla walks around the corner and my lips automatically stretch into a smile. Not a real one.
"Hey, I was just—"
"What's wrong?" she cuts me off, stepping toward me. Her hair is tied up in a ponytail and I remember what it felt like to have my mouth on the skin of her neck.
"Nothing. I'm cool. I got you something.” I hold up her drink like an idiot.
Priscilla shakes her head, mumbling Spanish. Seriously. Girls who speak Spanish? Hot.
I look around to make sure I don't see Bastian or Aspen. I just need to be normal. Act normal so we can drop this and get going, but I'm not sure what to do. I want to reach for her, pull her to me, because that's okay, right? After last night, I should be able to hold her. Or just hug her? I've hugged her a million times before. Instead I shuffle my feet, not sure what to do. "Hey, you usually only speak Spanish when I piss you off. What did I do this time?" I wink, trying to show her I'm being playful and I need her to do the same, but she doesn't laugh. Doesn't smile.
She just looks...sad.
"Hey, what's wrong?" I don't hesitate this time when I pull her to me. She wraps her arms around my waist and I rest my chin on top of her head. "Did you talk to your parents? Did they do something?"
"I don't want to sound like a wuss," she says against my chest and I can't help, but think about how good she feels there. There's something about having a girl lean on you—trust you—that makes you feel invincible.
"Pfft. Yeah right. Like you could ever sound like a wuss. You're fierce." And she is. Totally fierce. Even how she is with her parents. It's awesome.
We stand there for a few seconds, not talking and just...being? I don't know, but she doesn't pull away so I'll hold her as long as I can. Soon I'll be too far away from her to even see her.
Finally, after she lets out a long sigh, she breaks the silence. "I just want you to trust me, Jay. That's all. I wish...even if it's not me...you'd let someone in."
She tries to walk way, but I reach for her hand and pull her back. "Hey. I trust you." I do. I think. No, I know I do, but I also know they don't need to hear all my shit, either.
Her eyes narrow and I know she's about to give it to me. She'll gripe and I'll sweet talk my way out of it and we'll be good.
But she doesn't. She looks sad again. "It doesn't have to be me," she adds again.
Huh? Who else would it be? There isn't anyone else. "I said I trust you. There's nothing wrong." I'm starting to get annoyed now. Why does everyone always bug me to talk? What's it going to do? It's not going to change Mike or anyone else.
She shrugs. "Okay."
"What do you mean, ‘okay'? Aren't you supposed to give me crap?"
Priscilla draws her hand free and crosses her arms.
"Hey." I try to pull her to me again even though I know I shouldn't. I know she's not my girl and never will be. "I thought we weren't fighting. I liked last night a lot more." I give her half a grin, but she doesn't return it like she's supposed to.
She uncrosses her arm and pushes her hands in her pockets. "We're not fighting, Jay. And I liked last night, too."
She doesn't say anything else to me. Priscilla turns around walks back to the Explorer.
We might not be fighting, but for some reason this feels worse. What is it with girls?
***
Sebastian is driving the last couple hours before we get to Chicago. Aspen's up front with him, leaving Priscilla and me in the back.
"Here's your drink?" I hand her the water I got her. She takes it from me and smiles. It's a normal smile, but something feels wrong about it. Something feels wrong about that thought, too. What's wrong with me? Something is wrong with her smile?
Sebastian puts in a CD and we rap and sing along. He makes dumb jokes and I tell him they're dumb and he does the same thing to me.
They laugh and give us shit and it's all normal in a way. Like always, they're my buffer—they quiet Mike's voice in my head and make me feel okay, but somehow it's still not right. I can't stop thinking about how she looked at me and the slump of her shoulders, and the way she keeps looking at me, but turning away when I return her stare.
Like she said, we're not fighting. We're okay, but not at the same time.
When we get to the hotel, Sebastian and Aspen disappear into their own room, and Priscilla and I get two beds again, but all I can think about is sharing with her. Talking to her or kissing her until things aren't off anymore.
It's nuts how I' never kissed her until last night. I mean, obviously I thought about it. She's a gorgeous girl and I'm a guy and she's Priscilla, but now that I've done it, I can't stop thinking about it. I keep thinking of ways I can make it so we have to do it again.
Pris lounges on the bed in her pajamas, watching TV, and I work on the DVD player. I have the thing practically put all the way back together, I've been so in the zone. We've talked a little and she asked me to get her ice so I have no reason to be freaking out like I am right now.
I take another forty-five minutes and the DVD player is together again. "Wanna see if it works?" I ask.
"Sure."
Priscilla scoots over and I sit down on the edge of the bed before leaning over to plug it in. She’s next to me, so close we're touching. Her legs are tucked beneath her and she belongs there, curled up beside me, like we're a couple like Sebastian and Aspen, and I would be free to touch her whenever I wanted.
And I want to.
Touch her, I mean.
I'm praying the dumb thing will work. It's stupid, because honestly, who gives a shit? It's not like it's important or will mean I'm suddenly worthy of anything, but I want to be able to do something.
"Is it gonna work?" I ask just because I need to talk.
"Absolutely. Stop fishing for compliments. Here." She pushes my hand out of the way with hers. "I'll do it."
Before she hits the button, I laugh.
"What?"
"We're acting like this is a huge deal or something. Like it really matters."
Priscilla looks at me—inside me, something. "It is a big deal. Plus, aren't you supposed to be all cocky or something? I'm the man. I can fix anything and then start grunting or whatever?"
I push my hair out of the way so it doesn't block her from my view. "Well, no shit. We all know I'm the man, but no grunting. I'm not down with that."
She smiles and it's a real one. A Priscilla one. "Stop stalling and let me push play."
I hold up my hands and she takes advantage, pushing play. A couple seconds later, the thing comes to life.
"It works!" she says.
"It might not keep working."
She nudges me. "It works now and that's something, Jay."
I have never wanted to kiss her as badly as I do right now. My lips burn. My body aches. But I don't know if I should do anything or not. What am I supposed to do?
"I'm tired. We're getting up early tomorrow. We should go to bed," she says.
We're going to be in Chicago for a few days, but she's right. The girls want to be up early every day for whatever their girl reasons are.
"Okay." I get up, turn the DVD player off, and put it away. Priscilla climbs into bed and once she's there, the blanket all pulled up to her face, I turn the light off. Before climbing into my own bed, I pull off my shirt.
I swear it thirty seconds later I hear her get out of her bed and then my bed dips.
"Scoot over." Priscilla pushes her way into my bed. I have to admit, it's not like she has to push hard. Before I know it, she's under the blanket, her head on my bare chest.
She feels incredible.
And I'm totally confused as to why she just climbed into bed with me. "You were mad at me earlier," I finally say.
When she sighs, I feel her breath brush against my chest. "I wasn't mad at you, Jay. I was... I just wish you'd let me in. I just want you to let me in."
Her words bring an ache to my chest. It hurts and I feel like a piece of crap. Why can't I let her in?
"So you're not mad?" I manage to say, hating the weakness in my voice.
"I'm not mad. I'm..."
And she doesn't even have to say it because I know. She's disappointed, and as far as I'm concerned, disappointment is much worse.