I sighed, smiling over at him. He lay stretched out in my bed on his stomach, shoulders rising and falling slowly, his cheek pressed against the pillow and arms folded underneath it.
I could have stayed there all day.
He’d asked me last night to let go, and I did. I wanted to be with him more than anything. I wanted his happiness, wanted to see him look at me the way he did last night again and again.
The weekend was going to be forever long without him.
I sighed again as I slipped out of bed and pulled on a T-shirt, making my way into the kitchen to brew coffee. Tyler was off since he was leaving for Nebraska, so I dressed silently, not wanting to wake him. I turned to watch him for a moment longer and smiled, filled again with the sense of being his, of him being mine.
Optimism blossomed in my heart.
It was a little later than I usually woke, so I hurried out of the apartment with coffee in hand and my bag on my shoulder, popping in my earbuds as I headed for the train station. I happily replayed all the highlights from the night before, the feeling of being in his arms as he towed me around the dance floor. His smile. His body. His admissions. He was afraid just as much as I was, but instead of running away, he was running toward me.
But this was it. No more uncertainty for me, not after him begging me to choose. Not after the promise I made. There was no going back — I had to keep myself in check, because I’d used all my extra lives. It was time to put up or shut up.
Once I’d savored the best moments, my mind turned to the other events of the night. Seeing Jessica, what I’d said to her, wondering if anyone at the table had heard me. Nearly tripping and falling into Kyle. Kyle’s cold smile and his words, words that were the voice of every fear I had. Those words echoed in my mind, and as hard as I pushed, as deep as I tried to bury them, they always came back.
And deeper still my thoughts wound, into the basement of my heart, down to Will. Lying in his arms, the promises he made and broke. As long ago it was, the wound had been ripped open, fresh and raw. That mistake had changed me, a mistake I swore I’d never repeat. But I found myself breaking all the rules I’d carefully made to protect me against the very situation in which I’d ended up.
By the time I made it to work, my smile had disappeared, the lightness of my heart gone, weighed down by anxiety. The little voice in my head pointed out every shortcoming, every misstep, undermined everything until it was all caving in on me. That voice told me everything I didn’t want to hear, whispering its evil in my ear.
It’ll never work.
He could never really love me.
He’s lonely. I’m just keeping the bench warm.
But the way he looked at me, the way he touched me …
Maybe that’s just Tyler. It’s not me, it’s just his natural state.
But he told me he wants me.
So did Will.
He’s nothing like Will.
But he makes me feel exactly like Will did.
And that was really the core of it. I’d only felt like this about a man before once — with Will — and he destroyed me. Tyler would be exponentially worse, and I wondered how I would survive it without it obliterating my soul, turned into a nuclear wasteland.
My thoughts circled around and around, a carousel of broken horses to the tune of staggering self-doubt. And by the time I made it to work, my compass was spinning in circles. I barely looked at Rose when I walked into the office, the war in my heart aching, ribs sore.
“Hey,” she said.
I set down my bag, not meeting her eyes. “Hey.”
She was watching me, and I pulled out my laptop, refusing to look at her.
“How’d it go last night?” she asked, though I heard a hundred other questions.
“Fine,” was all I offered.
“Right. I mean, you look totally fine.”
I didn’t say anything, just picked up papers and stacked them up, moving them to a corner of my desk.
“Wow, Cam. That bad?”
My throat tightened, and I swallowed down tears. “No, it wasn’t bad at all. It was perfect. He’s perfect.”
“Then what’s the matter?”
I swallowed the lump in my throat and sniffed, meet her eyes for only a millisecond before looking away. “I don’t know, Rose…” I struggled to find the words, flashes of the night before rolling through my mind. “I’m just really confused.”
“What happened?”
“We went to the party and everything was fine. Great, even. I felt right with him. But then I ran into his friend who told me — not for the first time, mind you — that I’m not for Tyler. He said Tyler was going to get bored and move on. That I’m not his type.”
She blinked, surprised. “What a dick. Why would he say that to you?”
I shrugged. “He’s not wrong.”
“I dunno. I can’t believe that Tyler would get bored and up and leave anyone.”
“I don’t belong in the same universe as him. Caring about him isn’t enough, Rose. I’m not enough. Being with him last night just proved it. You should have seen his ex. You know that meat sock dress I tried on the other day?”
Her nose wrinkled. “Yeah.”
“Well, she had on the Armani version of it, and she looked like she walked off the cover of Vanity Fair.”
“So?”
I shook my head. “You don’t understand, Rose. Look at you. You’re beautiful and edgy and smart, and guys love you — I mean, you legit have one of the hottest guys in Manhattan plowing you with his pierced dick.”