I opened my eyes, feeling disoriented. The room was completely dark, and when I sat up, I realized I had fallen asleep on the bathroom floor. I turned on the light and stripped off my clothes. I turned on the shower and climbed in before the water had a chance to heat up; the cold water jolted my system. My movements were automatic; I couldn’t feel anything. I got out, wrapping a towel around myself before going to my room, climbing under the covers, and falling back to sleep.
Over the next few weeks, I had a routine: class, eat, and sleep. I didn’t do anything outside of my routine. I couldn’t watch TV, and I couldn’t spend too much time on campus—any time I saw a couple, I would break down into tears, making me feel like a bigger loser than I already felt like. I was exhausted and sick; no matter how much I slept or what I ate, nothing changed. That was when I decided to go to the doctor, and for the second time in a few weeks, my life was turned upside-down.
“I am pregnant?” I asked for confirmation. The doctor looked at me over the top of his glasses, his eyes making me squirm.
“Yes, Ms. Donovan, that is what the urine test, blood test, and ultrasound all confirmed.
“Okay.” So I wanted to be sure that they were not getting false results and may have gone a little overboard, but what the f**k? I never thought I would be pregnant, especially when I had only had sex one time, and used a condom when I’d done it.
“I am going to give you a number to a clinic where you can get this taken care of,” the doctor said, making me feel somewhat better.
“That would be good.” I knew I would need to see someone about getting vitamins and talk to someone about how sick I had been. And I would need to call Cash and let him know what was going on, even if we weren’t together. I would never keep this from him.
“The procedure takes a couple hours; you will need to have someone go with you.”
“Procedure?” I knew my face scrunched up in confusion.
“The abortion.” My hands covered my stomach quickly. I never even thought about that; I shook my head.
“No, no way. I’m not getting an abortion.” I didn’t see anything wrong with that choice for others, but for me, it wasn’t an option.
“I’m sorry, Mrs. Donovan, I thought we were talking about the same thing.” I shook my head, tears pooling in my eyes. “I will get you a number for an OB/GYN then.
“Thank you.” I swiped at my eyes, and the first bit of warmth came into the doctor’s face.
“You will be okay.”
“Yeah,” I agreed. I had my parents; they never let me down. I could go home…and do what? Live with my parents? Have them support my baby and me? That wasn’t an option. I would have to find a way to make it here. I would find a way to finish school, even if I had to do it online, and there were lots of single mothers in the world. I would just be one more. I would find a way to make it. Once the doctor finished and gave me the number for the OB/GYN, I left the office, making my way to the bus. I pulled out my phone, and for the first time in three weeks, I sent Cash a text.
Me: We need to talk.
Cash: We have nothing to talk about.
My stomach dropped at his response. He was never short or mean to me. I couldn’t understand what I had done.
Me: We do have something to talk about.
I felt my gut twist.
Cash: Get over it. We’re done. Don’t text me again.
My temper started to flare; I couldn’t believe that he would do this to me.
Me: I am having your baby, you dick.
Cash: Get rid of it. I am having a baby with my soon-to-be wife.
I read the words, ran to the trashcan on the corner of the street, and lost it. I couldn’t believe him! Who was this guy? A lady came over, offering me water and a napkin. I used it to wipe my mouth and thanked her for it. I looked down at the text, reading it again and again. I didn’t even know how I got home; I just remembered climbing into bed, my hands going to my stomach. I looked up at the ceiling in my room, not really seeing anything, just replaying all the good times I had with Cash…all the firsts I had with him. I knew that no matter what, the child growing inside of me was made out of love. Even though his or her father didn’t love me, I had loved him enough for the both of us.
Chapter 1
Present Day
Cash
“Daddy, are we there yet?” Jax moans from the backseat, making me smile. If we’re in the car for more than fifteen minutes, he is ready to bust out of his car seat. He has more energy than ten kids combined.
“About fifteen more minutes, dude, then you can go wild.” We are on our way to Jumping Bean, a giant warehouse full of trampolines. Hopefully by the time we leave, he will be worn out, and I can get some rest. I love my son, but damn if he doesn’t wear me out.
“Are you gonna jump wiff me?”
“Yeah, dude.”
“Yay!” he yells, his little arms shooting straight up in the air. I turn up the volume to the show he’s watching on the back of the passenger seat’s headrest, hoping it will keep him occupied until we get to the warehouse. When I found out Jules was pregnant, I was pissed off at the world. I was in love with Lilly. I hated saying goodbye to her. I knew that in order to have a relationship with my child, to have him in my life, I had to cut her out and focus on Jules. After a year, I realized it would never happen. I was killing myself. I was miserable. Almost three years ago, we divorced, and she moved into an apartment in town. My son stays with me unless I’m at work, then my mother, November, or Liz has him. His mother sees him if the mood strikes, which is rare and perfectly fine with me, but difficult for him.