I hoped he was right.
“I don’t know where to start or how to start the process of moving.”
My uncle asked, “Where are you thinking of going?”
Far, far away.
“I’ve been to New York with Mum and Nanny. I thought it was great there.”
My uncle just stared at me. “America, Lane? Really?”
“I need distance,” I whispered. “I need it.”
He nodded his head and hugged me once more.
We got down to it then. With the help of my uncle, I found somewhere in New York to rent that, from the pictures, looked to be a complete dive for a price I could afford. I could finish my online classes from anywhere in the world, so that was in my corner.
I tried to refuse money from my uncle, but he gave me enough for my first six months’ rent, and he also bought me a one-way ticket to New York. He made me promise to start accepting editorial work because even though I wasn’t qualified to call myself an editor yet, he said I was good enough to edit anything that was given to me. He said he’d always known I’d work somewhere in the literary field because of my love for books and that I’d be damn good at my job. He even promised to set up a website for me because he said freelance editors needed to have something professional to engage clients. Once I agreed, he applied for an ESTA visa for me; it meant I could stay in the States for ninety days before I had to leave. As soon as I got over there, though, I would apply right away for a work visa to extend my stay.
In the space of three hours after I cemented my decision to move away, we arranged everything, and it was set that I would fly out after Lavender’s funeral. I overheard in the hospital waiting room that her funeral was in four days’ time, so it left me virtually no time to break the news to my family that I was leaving. I knew the conversation would be bad, but my mind was made up. I had to leave. Staying in York just wasn’t something I could do.
I was about to tell my family that I was moving away, and even though I had my uncle in my corner, I was still scared shitless. I leaned against the kitchen counter while my family sat around the table. My uncle was leaning against the wall opposite me, with his arms folded across his chest. They all waited for me to speak.
“Lavender’s gone and she is never going to come back to me.” I sat, looking down at the floor. “And I haven’t even begun to fully comprehend that yet. She only died three days ago, and nothing feels real to me. I’m expecting her to text me or walk into my room.”
“Darlin’,” my nanny murmured.
I bit down on my lower lip. “I want you all to listen to me clearly when I say what I have to say. It’s important, okay?”
I looked up and found each person nodding.
“I love Kale,” I breathed.
My brothers shared a look, and so did my parents before their gaze refocused on me.
“You love Kale?” My father blinked.
“I always have,” I said, nodding.
My mother played with her fingers. “Are you in love with him?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied.
My father set his jaw. “And him? Does he love you?”
I shook my head. “Not in that way. He doesn’t even know that I love him. I’ve never told him.”
“Why not?” Layton asked.
Where to begin? my mind grumbled.
“Because everyone has gone on and on about how much of a brother and sister we are to one another, when I’ve never thought of him like that. Not since I was little.”
My mother paled. “I didn’t . . . I didn’t know it was love,” she blurted out. “I thought it was a crush.”
I frowned at her. “It’s not your fault, Mum. I’ve kept how I felt about Kale to myself. Only Lavender and Uncle Harry knew how I felt about him, but they were both sworn to secrecy by me.”
My father cut his eyes to my uncle and glared at him, hard. It surprised me because I had never even seen my dad and uncle argue.
“Stop, Dad,” I chastised. “I made him swear not to tell.”
My father cut his eyes to mine. “Something is going on here, something bigger than Lavender and Kale. What is it? Tell me. Now.”
Bloody hell, I thought. Does anything get by him?
I rubbed my face with my hands. “I can’t be here anymore,” I said, swallowing nervously. “Lavender is gone, and Kale . . . he and Drew are having a baby.”
“What?” my brothers gasped in unison.
“Drew is pregnant?” Lochlan asked.
I nodded.
“Oh, honey,” my nanny frowned.
“I can’t stay here and watch them have a family. I can’t stay here without Lavender. I need to get away.”
My father set his jaw. “Like on a holiday?”
I shook my head. “No, Dad, not like a holiday.”
Things were silent for a moment until Layton said, “You want to move away?”
I nodded.
“To where?” he asked.
It’s now or never, I told myself.
“To New York.”
Silence.
“Can you repeat that?” my father said, his voice dangerously low.
I swallowed. “I’m moving to New York.”
My father’s face turned a shade of red I had never seen before. He flicked his eyes to where my uncle stood, and he glared. “What the fuck is this?” he asked.
My uncle’s shoulders sagged. “She can’t be here anymore, Tom. She needs to get away and clear her head.”
“So go down to the country for a spa weekend or something,” my father bellowed when he looked back to me. “You are not moving to America. No fucking way.”
I pinched the bridge of my nose. “I’m twenty, Dad. I don’t need your permission.”
“Don’t throw that in his face,” Layton snapped at me. “You aren’t thinking clearly; you can’t—”
I cut my brother off: “I can’t ever think clearly here, Layton. I need to leave and figure myself out.”
“Have you forgotten what happened to you last year?” he raged. “You could have died, and now you want to up and leave the country on your own? That’s fucking selfish of you. You can’t do that to us.”
I pushed my hair out of my face. “I’m not trying to hurt anyone, Layton, but this is my decision.”
“It’s a shitty fucking one!” he bellowed, surprising all of us.
Layton was not one to fight; he was usually the peacekeeper, but not today. Today he was furious, and I was his target.
“I’m sorry you feel that way,” I said calmly.
Lochlan growled. “You aren’t moving to America.”
I set my jaw. “Yes, I am. It’s all arranged.”
“What?” my mother whispered.
I looked at her and hated that I saw tears in her eyes. “I’m leaving tomorrow afternoon after Lavender’s funeral.”
“What?” everyone screamed.
I jumped and tried to think of something to calm everyone, but there was nothing I could say that would change the situation.
“Lane,” Nanny shouted, getting my attention. “You cannot up and leave the country. You’re distraught over losin’ Lavender and about Kale startin’ a family, but this isn’t the right move, sweetheart.”
“Staying here isn’t an option,” I replied. “I need distance. I need space. I need time.”
“Are you hearing this bullshit?” Lochlan snapped at our uncle. “How can you stand there and be so calm when she is talking about leaving the country on her fucking own when she is in this state of mind?”
My uncle locked eyes with Lochlan. “Talking her out of it was the first thing I intended to do when she mentioned it, but I saw in her eyes that she was leaving here whether we wanted her to or not. It’s be on board and help her or—”
“Or nothing!” Lochlan snapped. “If she leaves, I’m fucking done. I refuse to worry myself sick over her. I’ve done it all my life.”
“Are you kidding me?” I said to my brother. “I never once asked you to bother yourself with worrying about me. I never asked for anyone to do that, but you all did it, and I know it’s because you love me, but you can’t protect me from everything. I have to do this.”
“Why?” my father shouted. “Why do you have to leave?”
My shoulders slumped. “It’s too hard.”
“You will get over your crush on Kale—”
“It’s not a crush. I love him!” I shouted.
My father narrowed his eyes. “You’re twenty and you’ve never had a relationship. What do you know about love?”
My father’s words cut me deeply.
“I know that watching him be with someone else is killing me, do you understand that?” I asked, my voice tight with emotion. “It. Is. Killing. Me.”
“She’s in a state over Lavender and—”
“Nanny, stop,” I said, cutting her off. “I’m not blinded. I’m seeing clearly and I need to leave here.”
“If you leave here, Lane,” my father said coldly, “don’t come bloody back!”
With that said, he left the room, leaving me staring after him with fear swirling around in my stomach. I looked to Lochlan and Layton when they stood up.
“Please,” I pleaded. “I don’t want to leave and be fighting.”
“Then stay and there won’t be a problem,” Layton bit out.
I shook my head. “I can’t.”
“Then I have nothing else to say to you.” Layton walked out, and I looked from him to Lochlan, who was staring at me with a pain in his eyes that I didn’t understand.
“If you leave here, and you cause a rift between all of us, then I am done. Fucking done.”
My lower lip wobbled when my mother and grandmother stood and left the room without a word in my direction. Not a curse word, not a farewell. Nothing.