“No, probably not,” I say.
“What I meant about this not being the black and white situation you think, is that you have to look at it from Alexis' perspective,” she says. “When you have nothing, you fear everything.”
I smile. “That woman fears nothing,” I say. “She's as fearless as you are.”
“Outwardly, perhaps,” she says. “Inside is a whole different story though.”
“What do you mean?”
“You were too young to remember anything about how we started off, Duncan,” she says. “You grew up with privilege and a wealthy family.”
“I know that, Mom.”
“But, when we first started out, your father and I had nothing,” she says. “There were months we had to go without just to get by. Most days, we had to scrounge up every penny just to get food on the table. It was a constant juggling act. The stress was unbelievable.”
I know most of this already, but I'm not seeing how she's connecting it to Alexis, other than the obvious parallel – they had little financial security, much in the same way Alexis does.
“When we were broke, we were constantly terrified, your father and I,” she goes on. “And our biggest fear was that somebody with a pile of money and unlimited resources would be able to swoop in and devastate us. We feared that some rich person would take everything we held dear. Until we actually struck gold, we lived in constant terror all day, every day.”
“But she has to know I'm not like that,” I protest. “Why couldn't she trust me enough to know that?”
She shrugs. “When you have nothing, and your baby is your whole world, you live in a constant state of fear – rational or not, Duncan. Believe me, I was there. I think I know exactly what she is going through,” she says. “And it has nothing to do with you. It isn't a reflection of her trust in you or her love for you. It's a simple reflection of the fears she’s dealing with.”
I sit back and finish off my glass. Intellectually, I understand what she's saying. I get it. And because I grew up, like I did, I can't ever really understand what Alexis is going through. I can't relate to her fears. Growing up, I knew that there was nothing for me to fear. I knew that we'd always be able to hire the best lawyers, and we'd always be able to come out of any situation just fine. At least, that was the belief I had as a child.
That's not a belief Alexis grew up with. She didn't grow up with the same security or assurances I did. For her, any setback could be devastating, and she doesn't have the resources to fight a high-powered legal team. Hell, she doesn't have the resources to fight a low-rent team of ambulance chasers.
Still, it hurts me deeply to think that she didn't believe she could talk to me, free of judgment and that she just automatically assumed the worst of me.
That is the part I'm going to have the hardest time reconciling in both my mind and heart.
“Do you love her?” she asks.
I pause for a moment but then nod. “I do,” I confide. “She's – everything I've wanted in another person. She's amazing to me.”
“Then don't let her go,” she says. “And don't reject her for something like this. We so rarely find that person who really connects with us – who becomes part of our soul. What you have is a rare gift. One, not everybody gets. Don't throw it away.”
I purse my lips and nod, not knowing what else to say. I mean, I know in most respects, she's right. I'm just having a hard time dealing with the fact that Alexis has been lying to me this whole time. It stings like nothing else I've ever felt before.
“Don't judge her too harshly, Duncan,” she tells me, as if reading my mind. “Try to see things from her perspective. Try to understand what it's like to walk in her shoes and live in that constant state of fear.”
“I'll try, Mom,” I sigh. “I really will.”
Thirty-One
Alexis
“I'm glad to see you're still among the living,” I say. “I've only tried to reach you about a thousand times the last few days.”
Duncan closes the door behind him and follows me into the living room. I've got Aurora in my arms and when I turn to face him, he's got a strange expression on his face – and his eyes are fixed on Aurora. Oh, God. He knows. I'm positive he knows I'm holding his daughter. I can see it on his face. My stomach churns, and I have to fight back a wave of nausea.
“Yeah, I'm sorry,” he says. “I've had a lot going on.”
He gives his head a shake and pulls his gaze away from Aurora, focusing on me instead. It doesn't lessen the anxiety coursing through my body. I just know that all of my worst fears are coming to fruition. I can feel it.
I place a gentle kiss on her forehead and turn away from him. “I need to put her down,” I say. “I'll be right back.”
I close the bedroom door behind me and lean against it, trying to calm myself. It's possible he doesn't know, and I'm just misinterpreting things. I mean, all he did was look at my precious girl. He didn't say anything, he didn't come storming in here with a pack of lawyers. I'm simply overreacting to the stress and angst of the last few days.
That has to be it, right?
I take a deep breath, trying to calm my frayed nerves. Still, the look on Duncan’s face as he looked at Aurora was odd, to say the least. Something is going on with him and I don't know what it is. But it may not be what I think it is. It could be family stress. Job stress. It could be a million different things and I won't know what it is until I talk to him.
Laying Aurora down in her crib gently, I start the mobile spinning and playing music for her. It's not long before her eyes close and she drifts off to sleep. Which means I've run out of time. I need to put on my big girl panties, go out into the living room, and deal with – well – whatever it is I have to deal with.
With one more deep, cleansing breath, I step out of the bedroom and back into the living room. The air in the room is heavy and oppressive. It's thick with tension and the expectation of a fight. Duncan is standing at the dining room table and it takes me a minute to realize what it is he's doing – he's reading the contract Henry dropped off.
“I already know,” he says, his back still to me. “About Aurora.”
My body hums with a terrified energy and my stomach lurches. I fight it off and stand tall. I knew this was a possibility. I knew I needed to be prepared for it. I'm not going to give up my daughter without one hell of a fight.
“I know you have to be pissed,” I say. “But, let me –”
Duncan turns around and I'm surprised to see that his face isn't darkened with anger as I'd expected it would be. Instead, it's filled with an expression of – hurt.
“Yeah, I'm pissed,” he says. “But more than anything, I'm hurt, Alexis. I'm hurt that you'd lie and keep something so important from me.”
“I never lied to you, Duncan. I never –”
I bite my words off as he holds up a finger to stop me, a flash of that dark anger in his eyes. “Don't,” he interrupts. “Don't you dare parse words with me, Alexis. Not telling me is every bit as much of a lie as giving me a fake name.”
I let out a long breath and lower my gaze. He's right, of course. Lying by omission is a lie, no matter which way you slice it. Parsing words and tap-dancing around the truth of things isn't going to help me here. It's not going to salve his emotional wounds. All it's going to do is piss him off even more and bring me even closer to having my ultimate fears realized.
“You're right. And I have no excuse,” I say. “What I did was absolutely indefensible.”
“Then why?” he asks. “Why in the hell would you lie to me about this? Why would you keep this from me?”
“I was scared, Duncan. Terrified,” I explain.
“Of what? Me?” he presses. “Why would you be afraid of me?”
“I was afraid of losing my baby,” I reply. “I had no idea how you'd react to me telling you that Aurora is your daughter. I was afraid you'd take her from me.”
He shakes his head and sits down in the chair at the dining room table, his eyes never leaving mine. I move over and sit on the arm of the couch, crossing my hands over my chest protectively.
“Why would I do that, Alexis?” he asks. “What would ever give you the idea that I'd take her from you?”
I shake my head. “I don't know. It's irrational, I know,” I shrug. “It's just – she's my entire world right now, Duncan. She's everything to me and it was wrong to keep it from you, but I didn't know what else to do. I had no idea how you felt about kids – I still don't. But I was scared to death that you'd have me declared unfit or something and take her from me.”
“That makes no sense, Alexis,” he replies. “You know how I feel about you. Why would I then turn around and hurt you like that?”
I bite my bottom lip as I feel the tears welling in my eyes. “I wanted to tell you, Duncan. I almost did so many times,” I say. “But my own fears made me stop before I could. Then, when everything happened with your brother, I worried that you'd feel like I trapped you. I love you, Duncan and I didn't want you ever thinking that I was using you for your money. I'm not what Henry thinks I am.”
“And you think I don't know that?” he asks, genuine hurt in his tone. “You don't think that I don't believe you're anything Henry said? Would I have punched him for saying it if I did?”
I shake my head and can't keep the tears from falling. They roll down my face despite my best efforts to keep them in check. I wish and silently pray for him to come wrap his arms around me, to pull me to him, and tell me that everything's going to be okay. Right now, what I want more than anything, is for him to comfort me.