As much as I didn’t want this thing with him going any further, I couldn’t live with the thought that he somehow believed I’d stopped communicating with him because of his appearance.
So, I decided to send him one last text—just to clarify.
Rana: Honestly, you have no reason to feel self-conscious. You have grown into a beautiful man, Landon. I just cannot reciprocate with a photo as you requested.
About thirty seconds after I hit send, my phone rang.
Shit.
I answered, “Hello…”
“Did I freak you out or something? You don’t have to show me anything you don’t want to.”
“It’s nothing you did. I just have a lot of issues about my physical appearance. It’s my problem.”
“I don’t get it. You shake your ass around in public for a living.”
Yeah…but they didn’t know me before like you did.
“It’s complicated.”
“Alright, you know what? Please, forget I sent the picture. It created way more trouble than I anticipated.”
I can’t forget it. I can’t forget what you look like now that I’ve seen you.
We were both silent until he said, “Don’t stop talking to me, Rana.” His sincere tone squeezed at my heart.
“Why is it so important to you?”
“I can’t figure it out. You make me feel grounded or something. I don’t know. Talking to you has been like a little slice of home, or at least what I once thought of as home. But I apparently crossed the line in pushing you for a photo, and I’m sorry.”
I could feel myself starting to tear up. “God, don’t be. It’s my fault, Landon. I overreacted. I’m so flawed.”
“Yeah, well, so are some of the most beautiful diamonds. There’s nothing wrong with having flaws. They’re what make us human.”
Bending my head back, I took a deep breath and let his words sink in. Somehow, I knew I would never forget them as long as I lived. As I wiped my eyes, I sniffled. “It looks really beautiful where you live.”
“It is. I’d ask you to come visit, but I’m afraid you’d never speak to me again.”
I couldn’t help but laugh. “You’re probably right.”
“So, fucking stay away from me, then. Just don’t stop answering my calls.” He laughed. “Seriously, though, yeah, it’s alright living by the ocean.”
“Just alright?” I chuckled. “Well, anyway, I’m envious.”
“What’s the weather like right now in Michigan?”
“Cold and miserable.”
“Speaking of miserable…any Lenny shenanigans to report?”
“Aside from his randomly snapping a picture of me when he thought I wasn’t looking? No.”
“That dude is a freak.”
“He’s actually away for a couple of days. At least, I think so. I saw him leave with a suitcase. He’s gone away before. He always comes back, unfortunately.”
“You should search his room, see if there’s any merit to your fears.”
“It smells like feet in there. I think I’ll take my chances.”
“If you won’t send me a photo of yourself, at least promise the next time you catch him sleeping with the crotch of your leggings on his face, you’ll snap a picture of that shit for me.”
“You got it.”
After our laughter dissipated, he let out a deep sigh into the phone, and it was as if I felt it on my skin. It got me thinking about his sexy photograph again and prompted me to ask, “How many tattoos do you have?”
“I haven’t counted. A lot.”
“They’re really gorgeous.”
You’re really gorgeous, Landon.
“Thank you.”
“So…you said you’re a chef, but you never told me what kind of food you specialize in.”
“Actually, I own a food truck. I make mostly unique sandwiches, stuff you can’t find at typical restaurants.”
“That’s really cool. Where do you have it set up?”
“Different places. I park it on the beach a lot. But I have an app where people can track where I am at any given time. I’ll send you the link so you can check it out.”
“An app? That’s so innovative.”
“Yeah. It’s called Landon’s Lunch Box—the truck and the app.”
“Cute name. Are you a one-man band?”
“Actually, no. I have one employee…Melanie.”
Melanie.
I knew nothing about her but envied her, nevertheless. My unwanted jealousy toward Valeria and Melanie was very disturbing to me.
His next question caught me off guard. “What’s your vice, Rana?”
“What do you mean?”
“Like smoking is a vice. So is drinking. Do you drink a lot?”
“Not as much as you might think based on how we first reconnected. But I do use alcohol to calm myself after a long day sometimes. I don’t consider it to be a problem because I can take it or leave it. Is smoking your only vice?”
“Smoking, yeah…and sometimes sex. But you already knew that from our heated discussion the other day.”
Well, okay, then.
I suddenly felt like prying. “I obviously know you have casual sex, but do you sleep around a lot? Is it like a different girl every night?”
He didn’t answer right away.
“I don’t typically have sex with more than one woman at once. But I also don’t do long-term relationships, or at least I haven’t found anyone I want that with. So, generally the turnaround is high. But it’s not a new girl every night, no. Fuck that. That would be exhausting.” He laughed. “Okay, Miss Nosey, what about you? When was the last time you let anyone near you?”
I haven’t had sex since I was a teenager. But I won’t admit that to you.
“You could say I’m going through a dry spell.”
“Well, I suppose online dating would be difficult without a photo.”
“Yes, wiseass, it is.”
“So, where do you meet men?”
I don’t.
My silence caused him to theorize.
“Are you gay, Rana?”
“What? No. Why do you think that?”
“It just hit me that I’ve been assuming you like men, but come to think of it, in all of my memories of you, you were…” he hesitated.
“Like a boy.”
“Yes.”
“I looked like a boy because my mother took me to a bad hairdresser, but I’m definitely hetero.”
“Ah…well, I figured I’d ask.”
It sounded like he was blowing out smoke.
“Are you smoking now?”
“Yes.”
“That stuff will kill you.”
“So will psychopath roommates named Lenny. Doesn’t mean you’ve quit him.”
“I suppose that’s true.”
He changed the subject. “Your mother…you said she’s living in Ohio?”
“Why did you bring her up? I don’t like to talk about her.”
“I can tell. I have mommy issues, too, so you’re not alone.”
“Yeah, like I said, I haven’t seen her in a decade. She’s probably still stealing clothes. I don’t care.”
“You say that, but you do. You do care, Rana. I know that lie because I try to tell myself the same thing all the time.”
Despite the distance between us, Landon definitely had the ability to read me. He was quiet, and that somehow served as my cue to open up a bit more.
“She just never wanted to be a mother, you know? She took it out on my father, took it out on me. She was like a rebellious, older sister instead of a parent. She used to tell me I looked just like my dad, which was her way of saying I was ugly, because I knew she wasn’t attracted to him. The fucked-up thing is…I still idolized her. Any small bit of attention she gave me never went unnoticed. And I see a lot of her in me now. Those are typically the things I hate about myself.”
When he didn’t immediately respond, I worried I had freaked him out with my openness.