See? Everything is fine, Rana. It’s a beautiful night. You can calm down.
Lilith was quiet as we got into our car and locked the bar in front of us. With a jolt, the Ferris wheel started to ascend.
I turned to her, expecting to maybe see an excited smile. My own smile faded upon realizing that her expression wasn’t like any I’d ever seen from her before. She was looking at me as if it was the first time she’d ever seen me, as if she was examining my face. Her eyeballs were moving back and forth. I knew before the words even exited her mouth.
“It’s you.”
Her words had sent what felt like a bullet through me.
I swallowed. “Who?”
“You’re the one who gave me away.”
My heart was hammering against my chest. Tears started to fill my eyes as the ride reached its highest peak. I would’ve thought I’d be panicking for my own benefit in this moment but no part of me was really scared for myself anymore—only for her.
Nodding, I finally forced the words out. “Yes.”
She closed her eyes tightly but wasn’t crying. When she opened them, she looked away from me.
“Look at me, Lilith.”
Refusing to look me in the eyes, she continued to just stare out at the crowds below. The Ferris wheel went up and down for three full cycles before she suddenly whipped her head toward me. “I thought you were my friend. You lied to me.”
It hurt so much to hear her say that.
“I didn’t mean to lie to you. I just couldn’t tell you yet. We weren’t sure if you were ready to know.”
Finally, a tear fell from her eye. “I don’t understand. I don’t understand any of this.”
My voice grew louder. “I know you don’t. I have to explain it to you, Lilith. You need to let me.”
It was an inopportune time for the ride to stop. I needed more time alone up there with her. It felt like I needed forever.
Lilith couldn’t get out of the seat fast enough. The next thing I knew, she was running toward Landon.
I ran after her.
Landon took one look at my face and knew.
“Take me home,” she said to him. “I need my mom.”
Fear filled his eyes.
I mouthed, “She knows.”
Landon knelt down on the grass, placing his hand on her shoulders. “Lilith, can we talk about this?”
He could see me shaking my head behind her. I just knew that it wasn’t the right time, that she wasn’t ready to hear it. This was too much for her.
“Please, no. Not now. Please. Don’t talk to me. I just need my mother. Just take me to my mother.”
“Okay, sweetie. We’ll take you home,” he said.
The ride back was extremely tense. From the front seat, I frantically texted Beth to let her know what had happened. She messaged me back right away and told me she would be waiting at the door. She thought it best that I didn’t come in and that I didn’t try to push the issue with Lilith tonight. We both knew Lilith enough to know that was the right move. The last thing I wanted was to upset her even further.
The second that Landon pulled up to the curb, Lilith ran out of the car, slamming the door. She couldn’t get out fast enough. Beth was waiting on the porch and took her inside.
As soon as she was out of sight, I burst into tears, letting free all of the pain I’d been forced to hold back in front of her.
Landon’s arms were around me so fast that I knew he’d been waiting for the very second he could comfort me. He held me so tightly. “I promise it’s gonna be okay.” He breathed into my hair. “I can’t believe I dropped that picture. I’m so sorry.”
“You didn’t drop it. It blew away, and honestly, this whole thing was inevitable. I was starting to think I couldn’t go much longer hiding it from her anyway.”
“Do you think it was the photo alone that did it, or do you think she suspected something before that?”
“She was acting kind of strange toward me tonight even before she saw the photo. Don’t you think so?” I sobbed. “Just quieter than usual—only toward me, not with you. Something has been off for a while. Ever since the day she brought up her adoption to me, I’ve noticed a change in her. So, I honestly don’t know. Maybe the photo just confirmed a suspicion that was already there. But I won’t know until she lets me ask her.”
“How did she bring it up?”
“Some time after the Ferris wheel started rising, she just hit me with it. She said, ‘It’s you.’”
Landon closed his eyes as if it wrecked him to hear that. “I always told you I’d be there when you told her. It kills me that I wasn’t. But clearly she wanted to get you alone.”
“The thing is…I wanted the ride to go on forever. I wish that she’d really let me talk to her. This feeling now of desperately needing to explain and not being able to do that is far worse.”
“She’s not ready. I get it. It’s too much. And she probably needs to hear things from Beth first. Once I found out her identity, I wasn’t ready to even think about Beverly for a long time. Of course, this is different because Lilith already knows you.”
“I can’t even imagine what’s going through her head about me right now. There is so much that even Beth can’t explain to her. I don’t know what I’ll do if she thinks I set out to trick her in some way. If she never wants to see me again, I will die, Landon.”
He held me tighter. “We’re gonna get through this. It’s gonna be a long few days, but I have a feeling she’s gonna hear you out.”
“I don’t know what I would do if you weren’t here.”
“Well, that picture wouldn’t have flown out of my wallet, for one. I feel partly responsible for this.”
“If it wasn’t the picture, I’m certain it would’ve been something else that gave me away. Keeping the truth from her was starting to break me.”
“Well, I’m personally glad it came out, Rana. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from my own experiences in life, it’s that nothing good comes from hiding the truth. It will always come out—whether you’re ready for it or not.”
NOTHING LEFT UNSAID
The letter was Landon’s idea.
Beth had been in contact with me in the days that followed the carnival to let me know how her daughter was doing. Lilith was apparently still in a bit of shock but talking more about it to her parents.
Beth said she explained everything in regards to how I came to be her “Big Sister.” She indicated that Lilith still wasn’t ready to see me but assured me that Lilith didn’t hate me.
Apparently, according to Beth, Lilith had overheard her parents talking one night. They’d mentioned my name, and that prompted her to bring up the subject of her adoption with me that one time—when inside I had freaked out and acted strange. That made her somewhat suspicious. Then, at the carnival, when she’d seen the photo, that was what confirmed it for her.
Landon knew how hard the waiting was for me. He suggested that I put my thoughts into a letter. That way, Lilith could read it at her own pace, and it would allow me to really get all of the things I wanted to say out without flubbing it up or leaving anything out.
Desperate to give her my side of the story, I spent several days doing nothing but writing to her. I wrote about my childhood, about my relationship—or lack thereof—with my mother. I wrote about the thoughts and feelings that ran through me when I first found out I was pregnant. I gave her all of the details about her birth and recalled the months I ran away. And I especially tried my best to express all of the regret I felt. I mostly tried to convey how much I loved her despite what my actions may have implied. I also tried my best to explain that even though I never told her my true identity, the bond we had been experiencing these past couple of years was real. I wanted her to know that she was truly getting to know the real me all of this time.
Probably the most complicated thing to explain to her was my plastic surgery. It contradicted everything I’d ever said to her about self-acceptance and loving herself just as she is. I’d often told her how beautiful she is. Would she ever believe me, knowing I’d changed my face—our face? I did my best to explain that it was much more than a need to change for physical purposes alone. But I honestly feared that my explanation would always be a hard sell for her, especially as she got further into her teen years. Without an inkling of where her head was at on the issue, I just had to pray that my actions wouldn’t harm her self-esteem in the long-term.