His face pales. He sucks in a deep, haggard breath before blowing it out slowly. “I’ve never truly apologized to you for that.”
“For what?”
“For Katie.”
“Dane, I don’t want to—” I say, adjusting in my seat. He cuts me off.
“Listen to me. I’m sorry for sleeping with her. I’m sorry for doing that to you. I know those words are the most overused words in the fucking English language, but I don’t know what else to say.”
Looking away at a tree growing topsy-turvy in a neighboring yard, I fight back the tears in my eyes. This is all I ever wanted to hear.
My heart swells in my chest as I force my lungs to inflate.
“You don’t have to accept that,” he whispers.
“Of course I do,” I say. “But can I ask you why?” I turn to face him. “Why her? Did you really think we would never be together again? Were you trying to move on? I just . . . I can’t understand it.”
“I don’t understand it either, really. I stopped trying to at some point because what difference does it make?” He shrugs. “My dad seems to think it was some form of self-hatred, some kind of ‘let’s just blow up my entire life now’ kind of thing, and as much as I hate to admit he’s right about anything, maybe he is.”
“He’s always right.”
We exchange a small grin.
“I regret not coming after you when you left and not trying to find a way to make us work,” Dane says. “But I will never regret Mia.”
My hand falls to his forearm. We both look at it, my pale skin on top of his tan. “Of course you wouldn’t regret her.”
His eyes draw away from my hand and to my face before he takes off rocking again. I slip my hand back to my lap and look anywhere but at him.
My thoughts are muddied. A part of me wants to run to the car and flee, taking what’s left of my pride with it. Another part wants to say what I came to say and then leave with grace. As the two parts argue, I just sit and wait.
The porch creaks with the motion of the chairs. A car door slams somewhere in the distance. It takes a long time before either of us speaks again.
“I don’t know if you know this or not, but Katie left us right after Mia was born,” he says.
“I didn’t know. I’m sorry.”
He shrugs. “I’m sorry for Mia.”
My heart pulls as I wonder how she feels about that. “Is she okay with it? I mean, does she miss her?”
“She didn’t know her long enough to miss her. That’s sad as hell, isn’t it?” His eyes are as sober as a judge. “You’ve heard the stories about my mom. She was mean and awful and could swing a switch with the best of them. I’d hide Matt in my room some days so she’d take her anger out on me and not him.”
Squeezing my eyes closed, I bite my tongue. Interrupting him with a full-on rant about how much I loathe his mother won’t help anything. Still, it’s hard.
“But at least I knew her.” He places his hand on my shoulder until I open my eyes. “I knew I wasn’t missing anything when it came to her, you know? When my mom died, it was almost a relief. Mia doesn’t get that. There will be a day when she feels like she missed out or that she wasn’t enough to keep Katie around, and that’ll be a day that I can’t handle.”
I think about Katie and how she always struggled to really fit in anywhere. She went overboard on everything in hopes that she would feel like she belonged. I kind of feel sorry for her.
“What happened to Katie?” I ask.
“What? Do you hope she got eaten by a shark?”
“No. Maybe a piranha,” I joke. “Honestly, I hope she’s okay somewhere. For Mia’s sake.”
Dane smiles. “I really don’t know. But I hope the same. I hope she’s done something with herself and comes back someday sober and happy and wants to get to know our daughter.”
“Did things end badly between you?” I ask, not sure if I really even want to know.
“No.” He shrugs. “She just said she wasn’t into this anymore and was going to leave. And she left. Her attorney sent papers giving me full rights, and that was the end of it. I was suddenly a nineteen-year-old kid with a baby girl. Talk about a learning curve.”
Laughing, I decide to lighten the mood. “How’d you do with diapers and onesies?”
“I’m a champ.”
Our laughter blends together in the easiest way. It’s like the notes just know where to go to be harmonious and we hit them together automatically.
After our chuckles fade, he turns to me again. “I wonder sometimes if Katie just didn’t want me. And if somehow I’m to blame for her not wanting Mia.”
“Dane, no. That’s not fair.”
“Life isn’t fair. If it was . . .” He looks around the porch before coming back to me. “If it was fair, you and I would’ve ended up together.”
My insides turn to mush as his words hit me straight in the heart. I’ve told myself for years it never would’ve worked out between us. That Dane was a bad guy. But none of that is true, and down deep, I knew it. Hearing him say that is a vindication of sorts.
“I guess everything happens for a reason, right?” I ask, using his words from the other night.
“Do you believe that?”
“Not really. I think we can justify things if we look hard enough. And besides, once enough time has passed, you can usually find something good in a situation. Maybe that’s the ‘reason’ everyone talks about.”
He slides me a half smile. “Mia’s certainly my reason right now and for the next decade or so.”
“She’ll always be your reason,” I correct. “I saw your face today when she ran toward you.”
“I’m a sucker. What can I say?” He chuckles. “I worry by the time she has to move out, she’ll be so used to all my attention she won’t be able to hack the real world. But on the other hand, that might help deter a relationship if she ever thinks about having a boyfriend.”
“Oh, she’ll have a boyfriend,” I tease. “Have you seen those green eyes?”
He rubs his palm on his forehead, making me laugh. “Between Haley and me, she’s being flooded with ‘boys are bad’ rhetoric.”
“So,” I say, clearing my throat. “Who is Haley, anyway?”
As he stretches his arms over his head, his features fill with amusement. “I forgot about your little jealousy over her.”
“I’m not jealous. I have no reason to be jealous. Clearly.”
“Fine. I’m fucking her.”
“Fine.”
I look off into the distance, jealousy burning through me. Just as I’m ready to shove off the chair and head to my car, he bursts out laughing.
“She’s my first cousin,” he admits. “My dad’s brother came to town right after Katie left. Haley and I kind of hit it off in a non-incest kind of way.” He lets that sink in. “She had just graduated and didn’t have a plan, so I hired her to stay and help with Mia. She does that and works at the library. It’s a win-win.” He watches me sag against the rocker. “Does that help your jealousy?”
“I’m not jealous.”
“Sure. For the record, I find it kind of adorable that you’re still jealous to think I’m sleeping with someone else.”
“Of course you are,” I say. “Do you think I think either of us has been celibate in the last however many years?”
A shadow falls across his eyes, sending a chill up my spine.
“Besides,” I rush, “maybe you’ll find someone whom Mia loves and you love and you can create a family.”
“If there’s one thing I know,” he says, getting to his feet, “it’s that I won’t be falling in love. My track record with women is shit. I messed up with you. Something happened to Katie. I tried one more serious relationship with a girl named Sara, and she left. Mia was heartbroken.”
I stand too. Dane’s bodywash rolls through the air as he leans against the house. I fight hard to stay focused on the topic at hand and not on the sliver of skin showing right above his waistline.
“I get it,” I say. “I won’t be falling in love either.”
“Why?”
“You broke my heart. One other guy I was kind of serious about almost cost me my job. He hated that I worked with mostly men. Hated how many hours I worked. Hated that I was a terrible cook, because his mom was a chef with dinner on the table every night at six.”
“So I’m a dick and he was an ass. How’s that stopping you now?”
I think about that. “I’m not where I want to go yet. There are a hundred things I want to accomplish before I settle down and let someone else influence that,” I admit. “I told myself when I was a little girl that I’d get out of Dogwood Lane and prove that I could be something, and I don’t feel like I’ve proven that yet.”
His eyes twinkle with golden flecks as he watches me. “I think you’re something all right.”
Swatting him in the chest, I head toward the stairs. I stop short of descending. “I am sorry for what I said to you. I was sorry before I knew your child was Mia. I just didn’t know how to tell you or if I should. If it mattered.”
He shoves off the wall and saunters toward me. Towering over me, he gazes down. “It always matters. You always matter.” Scratching the back of his head, he sighs. “Mia thinks an awful lot of you. Thank you for helping her.”
“It was really my pleasure.”
An innuendo that has nothing to do with the topic at hand is on the tip of my tongue. When Dane smirks, I know it’s on his too. I also know I need to go. Now.
“Have a good night,” I say, heading down the steps.
“Hey, Neely.”
I stop in the middle of the sidewalk and turn around. He’s leaning against a post, his arms crossed over his chest.