My mom laughed before directing us inside. “I made sun tea. I’ll pour us some, but let’s talk inside where I can see your faces without squinting.” She swatted at both our backsides, and we scooted through the sliding glass door, out of the blaring sun and into the cool house.
Hopping onto a bar stool, I rested my elbows on the high-top kitchen table as Kristy did the same. My mom poured us all some tea, then placed some sweetener on the table before sitting down across from us.
“So,” she said as she removed her hat and ran a hand through her hair, straightening out tangles with her fingers. “Who’s going to go first?”
Kristy and I started talking over each other before my mom held up a hand, signaling for us to stop. She pointed at Kristy, who immediately blurted, “Well, your daughter’s being an idiot with her heart.”
I slanted a glare in my best friend’s direction. “Oh my God, really?”
“She’s been in love with this guy since she was a freshman,” Kristy continued, as if I didn’t pipe up at all.
“In high school?” Mom asked after she’d sipped at her tea. “This is someone you’ve had feelings for since high school?”
I averted my eyes, looking down at my drink instead of meeting her gaze, not knowing what to say. I was certain that I’d mentioned Dalton to my mom at some point before Dad died, but that didn’t mean she would remember him.
“First loves always have a place in your heart,” my mom said with conviction. “But that doesn’t necessarily mean there’s any more to it than that. Sometimes it’s just the familiarity and comfort that calls to us.”
“No. It’s not that.” Kristy jumped in, apparently feeling perfectly within her right to speak on my behalf.
Raising a brow at Kristy, I said, “Why am I even here?”
“It’s not that,” Kristy said again, this time with more authority. “Mom, you know we just had our ten-year reunion, right?”
My mom cracked a smile that didn’t quite hide her sadness. “That’s right. I’m sorry, I didn’t even call to ask how it was. Was he there? This boy from high school?”
“Dalton,” Kristy added, and I folded my arms. My presence was clearly not necessary for this conversation.
“Dalton. And he was there?” Mom leaned forward, her gaze pinging between Kristy and me as if we were sharing secrets, her voice taking on a confidential tone.
“Oh yeah. He was there, all right.” Kristy let out a howl of a laugh.
I rolled my eyes. “Can we skip every detail and just get to it?”
Mom laughed. “She’s right. I don’t need to hear everything. Just the parts where Cammie’s being foolish.” When I narrowed my eyes at my mom, she added, “Her words, not mine,” and pointed at Kristy.
Kristy sucked in a quick breath. “Okay. Cammie has liked Dalton for forever, and she never really got over him. She’ll tell you she did, but the truth is that she didn’t. And apparently he hasn’t ever gotten over her either. But he’s a cop now.” Kristy paused as Mom’s eyes narrowed and her lips pressed together in a hard line. “He went missing the other day, and Cammie freaked out. Rightfully so, don’t get me wrong,” Kristy said, turning to look at me.
“What do you mean, he went missing?” my mom asked as her eyebrows pulled together in confusion and concern.
“Something to do with the case he was working on. He got flown back to New York with no notice and no cell phone, so he couldn’t call her or anything.”
“I bet that really scared you, didn’t it?” Mom asked, staring right at me, but I didn’t respond.
It scared the shit out of me. My mother already knew the answer, and I was afraid that if I commented at all, I’d break down and have to fill her in on the panic attack I had that resulted in my ER visit. I didn’t want to tell her about that, not wanting her to worry about me.
Kristy finished up her CliffsNotes version. “So now your daughter says she can’t date him because she doesn’t want to date a cop. Because she can’t go through what you went through.”
Damn. Kristy’s version sounded brutal when she laid it all out like that.
My mom stood from her chair and walked over to me, wrapping her arms around me from behind and squeezing. “Oh, sweetheart.”
“You get why I can’t be with him, don’t you?” I asked, longing for someone to understand. I needed her validation to make me feel less alone, less crazy, less scared.
She brushed my hair from my face and gave me a small smile. “I understand why you think you can’t be with him.”
“Mom.” I shook my head as she moved back to her seat across the table. “I can’t go through what you went through. If anything happened to him, I’d never be okay. The same way you weren’t okay.”
The sad look on my mom’s face added a crack to my already fractured heart. “Oh, Cammie. My dear, sweet Cammie. You endured a loss and dealt with so much pain that no child should ever have to experience. I’m so sorry that you lost your father. It’s a horrible thing for a girl to lose her dad, but you also lost me in the process for a long time. It hurts me to know that I can never take that back, or do those moments over again.”
She reached out a hand and clasped mine. “I was so lost in my own grief, so consumed with my own emotions that I couldn’t dig myself out to check on yours. I was selfish, and I’m so sorry, honey. In my mind, you were old enough to take care of yourself. I convinced myself that you didn’t need me anymore for basic things. It was wrong of me, and I’m so sorry.”