Once we got to the park, I was cruising through Tomorrowland with my buddies when I spotted Cammie and Kristy walking together toward a food vendor.
“Guys, I’ll be right back. I wanna talk to Cammie for a second,” I told my friends.
“Cammie Carmichael? Why?” Russell asked.
“Because,” I said simply, and he didn’t question me because, well, because we were guys and guys tended not to do that kind of shit.
Jogging toward her, I saw Kristy notice my approach, and I hoped she wouldn’t tip Cammie off. I touched her shoulder as she stood in line and she turned, startled before realizing it was me. Her eyes didn’t light up the way they had in our photography class, and she leaned away from my hand, putting distance between her body and mine.
That hurt.
“Cammie, please talk to me. Go on a ride with me so we can work this out, please,” I begged.
“Go away,” she said, her voice completely unemotional as it sliced through me.
“I can’t convince you to go on the cars with me? I’ll let you drive.” I tried to be sweet and make her laugh, but it was apparently the wrong approach.
“I hate that ride,” she said, and she almost sounded convincing. “Come on, Kristy, let’s go.”
And just like that, she walked away from me, disappearing from sight into the crowd. I didn’t chase her, go after her, or try again. She turned down my offer and I let her go. Like an idiot.
I didn’t run into her for the rest of the night, and I didn’t speak to her again before I moved away. And that regret had haunted me ever since.
Heart Can’t Take Losing Him Too
Cammie
Dalton walked out the door, albeit reluctantly, after I told him I didn’t want this lifestyle. I watched the hope fall from his eyes, like I’d punched him in the face with a truth he couldn’t fathom or understand. Closing my front door behind him, I sucked in my resolve, swallowed it whole, and almost woke Kristy up to tell her everything before deciding that it could wait until tomorrow. If I told her now, sleep would probably elude me for the rest of the night, and I desperately needed some rest, pill-free.
I tossed and turned for what seemed like hours, the gravity of my decision weighing heavy on me instead of freeing me like I thought it might. My mind tried to convince me that I had done the right thing, the best thing for my future sanity and well-being, but my heart, my stupid traitorous heart vehemently disagreed. If my heart had hands, it would be punching me from the inside right now, demanding to be let out of its cage so it could duke it out with my brain. Winner take all.
It was exhausting, having the two most powerful parts of you at odds. I always took it for granted when they were on the same page, perfectly aligned with the same wants and needs. But now, this epic battle of wills going on inside me made me feel like a spectator in my own body. I prayed for clarity in my dreams, but was disappointed.
Opening my eyes the next morning after a dreamless sleep, I noticed Kristy blinking awake as well. I lay facing her, my knees practically curled all the way up to my chest. “I ended things with Dalton last night.”
“What the heck are you talking about?” She turned toward me, causing the mattress to dip between us before she shot straight up. “Wait! Did you talk to him? Is he okay? Where was he? Tell me everything!”
“He showed up here last night.”
“When? Where the hell was I?” She whined out the last bit, as if she’d missed out on the most exciting thing in years.
“Sleeping. It was after midnight.”
“Talk faster,” she said, circling a hand in the air to hurry me up.
“He had to fly to New York. Something happened with the case he was working on, and apparently his whole squad flew to New York without any notice. He came straight here after he landed.”
She cocked her head to the side. “That’s a good thing, right? Wait, why didn’t he call you? And why did you end things?”
“His cell phone was in his car and his partner drove that day. He said his partner never drives,” I said with a small sigh.
“That makes sense to me. Dalton’s never been a liar. Do you think he’s lying?”
This was the lawyer side of Kristy, the side where she asked a million questions, all trying to get the answer she looked for. “I don’t think he was lying. I believe him,” I said.
“Then why end it?”
Looking away, I bit at my lip. “Because I can’t do this with him. I can’t date a cop.”
My mom had fallen apart when my dad was killed. The light had vacated her eyes for years before it ever started coming back. She stopped making sure I got up for school, because she wasn’t getting up at all. I was forced to fend for myself for dinner, lunch, and every other meal that we had once shared together as a family. Our family was broken, and my mom seemed convinced it could never be repaired. Essentially, she acted as if I didn’t exist anymore, as if she’d lost me at the same time she’d lost my dad.
I tried to talk to her through her bedroom door, calling out her name, begging her to come eat with me. But she never stirred, never responded, and never left her room. It was like that for months, to the point where I started to forget that there used to be happiness in our house, and laughter.
My mom lost something the day my dad was killed, but I didn’t blame her. In fact, it made me realize that I wanted to make sure that I never experienced that kind of pain for myself. And I sure as shit didn’t want it for any kids I might have in the future. There was no way I could date Dalton and not have panic attacks as I constantly feared for his safety.