My happiness evaporates and the cool breeze that rushes through the colored leaves causes a chill.
“We’re from two different worlds,” he admits. “I have no plans to leave the club and I’m not sure you could digest certain parts of my life.”
Nausea claws along the walls of my stomach. It’s here, the opening I’ve been searching for. The moment to ask all of the questions, but if I’m deep-down honest, I no longer crave the answers. “Do you hurt people?”
He chuckles and it’s such a sad sound. “Yeah, I hurt people. I mess up everyone I meet.”
“That’s not true.” Not with me. “I meant for your club. I’ve heard things about how your club does things. About how they treat people.”
He goes silent and it’s not his typical moments of quiet. There’s a heaviness that weighs the air around us.
“That’s one of the things I’m not sure you can swallow about me—I can’t talk about club business. Not with you. Not ever. I’m a brother of the club first and that’s something any girl who’s with me has to accept. But I can tell you we’re a legit club and the business I work for is also legit. We do our best to abide by the law, but we do play by our own rules. There are things you wouldn’t agree with, and being with me, you’d have to find a way to be okay with it.”
I’m dizzy with the whiplash. I’ve been number five of nine for so long that taking another step back in any relationship makes me physically ill.
Razor slowly brushes the top of my hand with his thumb and the gesture is so heartbreakingly sweet it causes a flash of pain.
“There are good things about the club,” he continues. “We’re a family. Take care of each other like we’re blood-related. There isn’t a need that isn’t met. Not a guy that wouldn’t have my back when I’m against the ropes. If you’re with me, those guys would also take care of you.”
I snort and Razor stiffens behind me. I angle forward and rest my hands on my knees. He doesn’t move, choosing to stay supported by the tree.
“You don’t believe me?” he asks as if my actions stung him.
“I’m from a big family, so that Hallmark card you’re trying to sell me isn’t going to fly.”
The leaves beneath him crackle as he readjusts so that he’s sitting next to me. In typical Razor style, he’s silent as he studies my expression. He then picks up a lock of my hair and plays with the strands. “We have our problems. That code you’re working on is my problem with them. I love the Terror. More than I’ve loved anything, and the thought of not being a part of them rips me in half, but...”
He drops my hair, then mimics my position—his arms on his bent knees. Razor surveys the field, but from the hollow look in his eyes, he’s not seeing the grass or the flowers or the red-and-orange leaves drifting to the ground. He’s seeing something in his mind that’s causing him to suffer.
“But what?” I urge him to continue.
“But if I don’t find out what happened to my mother...if that code you’re working on doesn’t pan out...it may mean the end of the road for me and the club.”
A pit forms in my chest. “Why?”
“They’ll either throw me out for what I’ll do next or I’ll walk because I won’t be able to stomach looking at them after the betrayal.”
“Betrayal?” My mind is running in a million directions. “What are you going to do?” Then I recall what he said. “Or can you not tell me?”
Razor rubs his arm, and when his sleeve lifts, I spot a tattoo. It’s a rain of fire. A lot like the picture on the back of his cut. He worships this club enough that he’s forever marked himself for them. Leaving them would literally be like peeling the skin off his body.
“There’re parts I can’t tell you, but there are parts I can.” And he does. He tells me about how a Jefferson County detective visited him the night of our orientation. He tells me about the file and how he found the code. He explains how he’s now full of questions and desperate for answers.
More important, Razor is talking. Openly. Candidly. With heart and emotion. This moment is even bigger than the kiss we shared. I love that he’s trusting me, love the sound of his voice, but hate the agony in his tone.
“If you don’t crack the code, then I’m left with no choice but to talk to the detective.”
“So what if you talk to him?”
Razor’s jaw works as if I’ve stumbled across a crime in progress. There’s a sinking inside me. He means what he says. There’re things he won’t discuss.
I flex my toes and, with my arms hugging my knees, I rock. “Does it change? When people get married? Your friend Oz, the one who graduated this past year—his mom works with my mom at the hospital. Would her husband talk to her with what you can’t talk to me about?”
He shakes his head no and my feet collapse to the ground. It all feels hopeless. How can you be with someone who won’t talk to you about the most important part of their lives?
“Are you saying I know everything about you?” he asks. “That even if we were married with ten kids, that you wouldn’t keep a secret your best friend swore you to protect?”
“That’s different.” I think of how I promised Addison I would never divulge to anyone that her father hurts her and her mother.