“I think,” I say, “it’s more that we spent a day together being normal that feels so different.”
“I didn’t think we had it in us.”
“There’s a joke to be made there, but I’m gonna let it go.”
He grins as I pop open the door.
The evening sun streams in the truck. Machlan looks so handsome sitting in the driver’s seat, the button-up he put on before we went to Nana’s rolled up to his elbows. He looks as calm and relaxed as the day has been, and if I don’t climb out of the truck now, I won’t.
“I better get going,” I say.
His brows pull together. “You have plans?”
“Emily might come by.” The heat in my throat causes it to tighten as I toy with my next sentence. I might as well bring it up—sort of test the waters—because it’s going to happen whether I want it to or not. “Because, you know, I head back to Vigo soon.”
Machlan shifts. I feel his energy move, but I can’t look at him. I just look out the window at my car sitting at the base of the steps.
I’m going to have to get in my car soon and leave again. This time, the idea is to have some peace about where I stand with Machlan. And now, I struggle with getting out of his truck, knowing I’ll see him tomorrow.
This plan of mine isn’t working. My stomach roils.
As if he can read my mind, he sighs. “When do you leave?”
“I need to be out of here this coming week. I have to get things ready to start my new job, get the things I left at Samuel’s house …” Those words weren’t planned, but I don’t take them back because they’re true. “Just stuff to do, you know?”
My breath holds, a ball of stress sitting smack dab in the middle of my stomach, as I will myself to stop, hoping he’ll ask me to stay. I can’t stay even if he does. A few good days between the two of us doesn’t fix the years of problems we’ve had. I can’t change everything I’ve worked for because of a hopeful heart.
He reaches across the console and touches my leg with the tips of his fingers. A chill ripples down my spine as I watch his strong, tanned hands contact my bare skin.
If I don’t leave now, I won’t.
“I gotta go,” I say. I give him a quick kiss on his cheek before sliding out of the truck. Reaching to the floorboard, I grab my bag. “Have a good night, Mach.”
“Yeah. You too.”
I hoist my bag over my shoulder and make my way to the apartment. I give him a little wave before going inside. It’s only after I lock the doors do I hear the engine fire and tires squeal as Machlan pulls away.
Flipping on a light, I look around the little room. It’s the same as I left it early this morning, but it feels totally different. Bigger. Vacant. Lonely.
Before I even put my bag down, I fish my phone out of my pocket and dial my brother.
“Hey,” Cross says. “What’s up?”
“Hey. I was wondering what you’re doing tonight?”
“Well, Kallie and I are in Merom having dinner. There’s a kid who takes boxing lessons from me in a play over here. We’re gonna see that in a few. Why?”
My bag hits the floor. “No reason. I was just gonna come by.”
“You can come with us. The play doesn’t start for an hour. You can make it if you leave Linton now.”
“No,” I say, feeling my spirits sink. “You guys have fun. I’ll find something to do.”
“Where’s Emily?”
“She might come by later. I’m just bored, I guess.” I sigh. “Go have fun. I’ll come by tomorrow. You working at the gym?”
“Yup. Come by and I’ll let you kick my ass for a while.”
“Deal. Bye, Cross.”
“Bye, Had.”
I set the phone on the table, and it goes off immediately. Samuel’s face flashes on the screen, and I silence it without a second thought because I have no thoughts to give. They’re all with a dark-haired bartender that I hope I can figure out how to live with. And without.
Machlan
“I can’t live with her,” I say to myself. “And I can’t live without her.”
A wrench flies from my hand into one of the red toolboxes lining the garage. It gives a satisfying ping as it clamors against the metal.
My hands are a greasy mess, and my shirt is soaked with oil. Working on my dad’s old truck usually takes my mind off everything, but it failed me today.
Rinsing the grime off my skin in the basin by the door, I wish it were as easy to do the same to my brain. A little water, a pump of soap, and boom—Hadley is gone.
“I didn’t know you still knew how to do that.” Walker’s voice makes me jump.
I knock my elbow into the side of the sink. “Ouch.” Flicking the water off my hands, I cradle my arm and turn to face him. “What are you doing here?”
“We just got back from the airport, and Sienna passed out. She went nonstop the whole time her family was here.” He shrugs. “Guess I just thought I’d come by and see what you were up to.”
“Should’ve called and I would’ve waited on you to help me with this thing.” I knock my knuckle against the side of the truck. “Every time I fuck with it, I tell myself it’s a pain in the ass and I should just get rid of it. But, you know …”
Walker comes into the garage. “Yeah. How do you get rid of Dad’s pride and joy? I mean, it’s not worth shit and just takes up space, but what are ya gonna do? Sell it?”
“Exactly.”
I take in the hunk of metal my dad loved more than anything except Mom and us kids. He and our grandfather rebuilt it from the ground up, and although Dad never drove it anywhere, he changed the oil in it every few months. So, I do too.
Even though I bitch every time I come out here with the new filter in my hand, I do it. And the whole time I’m working on it, griping under my breath, I think about my dad.
I hate I didn’t really get to know him as a man. There are a lot of things I’d like to chat with him about, things I’d like to get his advice on.
I’ll never forgive myself for not going with them that Fourth of July.
“I heard Hadley was at dinner at Nana’s,” Walker says, testing the waters.
I nod, biting the inside of my cheek as I test the waters right beside him.
“That’s good,” he says. “She’s a good girl, you know.”
“I’m aware.”
“Then what the fuck are you waiting on?”
My cheek pops free of my teeth, and I turn my back to Walker. I busy myself with sorting wrenches until I hear my brother laugh at me from the other side of the garage.
“You know what? Fuck you,” I say.
“I’m getting plenty of pussy. It’s you that I’m worried about. You’re not getting any, and it’s turning you into one.”
As much as I want to argue with him, I can’t. I am turning into a pussy. My silence only proves his point.
“I get this shit is hard,” Walker says. “Do you even know how much of my work Sienna just gives away like I’m running some charity operation? I’ve had to ban her from Crank most days just so I’m not in the red.” He leans against the truck. “It’s not easy. But if it was, would you want it?”
“I’d want Hadley either way.”
Walker raises a brow. I look the other way.
“Seems to me,” Lance says, strolling into the garage, “that someone once told me to grow a pair of balls. To stop overcomplicating things.”
“Yeah, well, that’s when it was you.” I face my oldest brother. “Why the fuck are you here?”
“Just driving by and saw Walker’s truck and thought, ‘Eh, why the hell not invite myself over?’ Is this a private conversation? Not that I care if it is.”
“This wasn’t even a conversation until you assholes showed up.” I head into the house and leave the door open behind me because I’m certain they’ll follow.
They do. Jabbering back and forth, they trot after me like puppies until we’re standing in the kitchen.
Walker tugs open the refrigerator door. “Didn’t I leave this beer here like a year ago?” He jerks one out and pops the top.
“Probably.” I watch him take a long drink. “Guess it’s a good thing it didn’t get thrown out.”
That’s all it takes for Hadley’s face to float through my mind. I hear her laugh. Smell her perfume. Feel my spirits sink.
Lance pulls out a chair and sits. “So, Mariah and I aren’t eloping.”
“Am I supposed to be surprised by that?” I ask as Walker and I sit too. “There was no way Nana was letting that shit slide.”
“You actually asked her?” Walker takes another drink. “That’s ballsy.”
“I think it was more ballsy not to,” Lance says. “Besides, I’m kind of glad she said no.”
I raise a brow.
Lance’s eyes dodge mine. “I can’t say I’m all that upset at having to see her in a dress and have the honeymoon and all that. I’m kind of looking forward to it.”
“You’re both turning into pussies. You know that?” Walker deadpans.
“Come on, Walk,” Lance says. “You’ve never thought about watching Sienna walk down an aisle? Never? Not once?”
Walker lifts the beer again. We sit quietly as if Lance proposed some profound idea that requires loads of thought. He didn’t. But I still find myself envisioning Hadley wearing white with Cross by her side, walking her down a church aisle.
For a moment, everything feels right. I like it. Too much. So much that I get to my feet and scour the refrigerator for another beer.
“Don’t worry about Sienna and me,” Walker says as I sit again with a cold one of my own. “Let’s worry about dipshit over there.” He tips his bottle my way. “What’s going on with you?”