We were both silent for a minute. Just telling her about my dream and having her comfort me felt like a weight lifted off of my heart. I let it soak in, bringing me peace, contentment.
"It's part of the reason I haven't been with anyone since you," I said quietly.
Her head lifted. "What do you mean?" she asked.
I paused. "When I came home from Vegas, I looked at everything differently. I had never experienced sex as something that wasn't just physical, but emotional. It changed everything for me."
She squeezed me again gently. I could tell that she was waiting for me to go on.
"It's like, with my mom, I felt this fierce protectiveness, but I was helpless. And the part that I never could get my mind around was that she put herself in those situations. But then she came home and she was just… broken. Every f**king time. She did what she did at the expense of her own soul. I'm not saying it's like that for everyone. But for her, it was. I could see it and I couldn't do f**k about it. It hurt. And I was just a kid, I didn't get it. And so later, I don't know, maybe I went into it myself as some way of gaining some kind of control over something that I had had no control over in the past. At the time, I told myself that it didn't matter, that it was just something that made me some easy money, but deep down, I think I knew that was a lie. I don't know. I've thought a lot about it, and I'm no psychologist, but it felt like something that deserved some of my head space."
I sighed, gathering more of my thoughts. "Anyway, after you, I couldn't lie to myself about it anymore. And I realized that I didn't want to go back to the way I had been. The nameless hook-ups, the one-night stands. It wasn't even a choice, it just wasn't possible." I was quiet for a minute remembering silently the very first time I realized that for sure. The night I had gone to see Grace in D.C. and thought I saw her with her boyfriend, I had gone out to a bar and a woman started hitting on me. It would have been easy enough to go home with her. But I wasn't interested. Even in a f**ked up emotional state, I simply hadn't been interested–not in random sex anyway. I let the shitty feeling of that night wash away. Grace was here in my arms now.
I continued, "Anyway, then I shipped off and spent a couple years in caves in the desert…" I laughed a small laugh.
Grace smiled against my skin and rubbed her nose against me, kissing me again, showing her support without saying a word.
"And then what happened with Ara… in some ways, it brought up those feelings in me again. It's so hard to explain."
"You're doing a really good job," she whispered. "I understand."
And were there two words in the English language more beautiful, more comforting, than those two? In that moment, I knew for sure the answer was no.
"Have you talked to your mom recently?" she asked quietly.
"No, I don't even think she knows I went into the military. Not that she'd really care. My roommate Dylan lived in the apartment we had shared in L.A. until he moved to Vegas a couple months ago, and she never contacted him there looking for me…"
She breathed out. "She has no idea what she's missing out on." She paused for a minute. "Do you know what happened to her… I mean, why she might have done what she did for so long?"
I shook my head. "I don't know exactly. She mentioned an uncle once when she was strung out. I got the feeling that he had done something to her, but she didn't go into it. I don't know. Maybe there was no reason. Maybe the drugs were the reason. I don't know."
She was quiet for a minute and then kissed my chest gently again, rubbing her lips whisper-soft on my skin.
I couldn't see her face, but I could tell her wheels were turning. "What are you thinking?" I asked quietly.
She was silent for a second before she leaned up on her hands again, her eyes glittering at me in the dim room. "What I was thinking, Carson, is that you glow as well. To me, you shine too."
Warmth filled my chest and I let out a shaky breath and smiled at her, but I didn't say anything. I just pulled her closer and said a silent prayer of thanks that she was in my arms.
We cuddled and whispered until I felt her still beside me. A few minutes later, I slipped into sleep too, a restful, dreamless sleep.
CHAPTER 33
Grace
"Wake up, sleeping Buttercup," I heard whispered close to my ear.
"Grrrhmmph," I moaned and turned my head away from the annoying sound and snuggled back in to my pillow.
I heard a low, sexy chuckle and my blood started pumping just a little bit faster in response, but not enough to want to drag myself out of sleep. I was so warm, and this bed smelled so good. I turned my face into the pillow and breathed in deeply. Carson. That was crazy though. I hadn't seen Carson in years. I missed him. I missed his smell and his touch. And so I'd stay in this dream world just a little longer. He was here and I didn't want to leave.
Something shook the bed violently and I squealed and sat up, blinking at the room around me.
"Still not much of a morning person, huh, Buttercup?" Carson grinned down at me from where he was standing at the base of the bed.
"Were you jumping on the bed?" I asked groggily.
"Yup. It's like waking the dead," he said, climbing down.
I snorted and flopped back down. "What time is it?" I grumbled.
"Five a.m. Come on! I want to be on the slopes by the time the sun rises and we still have to rent gear for you."