“Do you want me to see if Keith will write you a prescription?”
“A prescription for what?” a deep voice interrupts. My gaze travels from Rhonda to Austin, who’s standing in the doorway with Ben behind him. The moment our eyes connect, something in me unfurls. I haven’t seen him since he brought me home from the hospital and made sure I was settled. I missed him over the last twenty-four hours; I just didn’t realize how much until now.
“She can’t sleep,” Rhonda tells him helpfully, and his brows pull together.
“Would meds help?” he asks, stepping into the room towards me, but then stops and clenches his fists at his sides.
My eyes lock on his hands and I feel my brows pull together. “I don’t know,” I mutter.
“You need to sleep, Lea,” he says gently, and my gaze travels from his fists up to meet his eyes.
“I know.” And I do know, but it’s not happening, not right now. Hopefully in a few days, when things settle down, I will finally be able to lie in the dark without hearing her.
“Do you have Keith’s number?” he asks Rhonda as his eyes drop to the cookie in my hand. “Did you eat real food?”
I narrow my eyes and sit up a little taller. “I did eat, and I don’t want the pills.” I turn from him to look at Rhonda. “You don’t need to call Keith.”
“You need to sleep,” Austin growls, and my head swings his way.
“I know this.” I grit my teeth.
“You also need to eat.”
I know he’s concerned, but it’s actually pissing me off right now. “I did eat, and if I feel like I can’t sleep, I’ll call Keith and talk to him about getting a prescription.”
“Lea,” he sighs, running a hand over his beard, and guilt assaults me hard when I see the exhaustion in his eyes, and I wonder how long it’s been since he’s slept as well.
“I know you are all worried about me.” I drop my tone, and my eyes to the table full of food. “It’s going to take some time, but I promise I’ll be okay.” And I will. It won’t be easy, but I will move on and past this pain. I have to; I can’t live like this.
“It’s normal, Lea. There is no right or wrong way to grieve,” Rhonda says, getting up from her chair and coming to my side, wrapping her thin arms around me. I nod again then look at Austin as he steps toward me and runs his finger down my cheek, causing a rush of emotions to wash over me.
“It will get easier,” he says, but I’m not sure if he’s talking about the loss of my mom or the way being around him makes me feel, but I hope he’s right about both.
I sneak out the backdoor and take a seat on the steps, pulling in a lungful of much needed oxygen. I swear the whole town is inside my mom’s house. I know I said we should have a wake, but I had no idea how many people would show up. I should have thought about this better. Being around so many people, smiling and accepting condolences, isn’t easy, especially when every time I think about her or talk about her, I want to cry.
“I was looking for you.” Austin says stepping out the backdoor and closing it softly behind him. After Rhonda and Ben left yesterday, Austin stayed behind with me and we sat on the couch watching TV until I fell asleep then he helped me to bed and left. Once he was gone I laid in bed looking at the celling for hours unable to sleep once again.
“I just needed a minute,” I tell him, scooting over on the step, so he can step down, but instead of moving past me, he takes a seat next to me then wraps his arm around my shoulders, muttering, “Are you gonna be okay?”
I turn to look at him, realizing how close he is, so close that I see the worry etched in his handsome features. “Yeah.” I duck my head, not wanting him to see the tears I feel lurking. “It’s going to take some time, and I know it may sound horrible, but I’m glad she’s passed. I hated the idea of her in pain. I didn’t want her to suffer.” I blink back tears while studying a piece of string on the hem of my sweater.
“I know it’s not easy, but you have Ben, Rhonda, and me here if you need a shoulder to cry on, if you need anything at all.”
“I know,” I agree, tilting my head back, causing our eyes to connect. I could still get lost in his eyes for hours, if given the chance.
“Good,” he says quietly as his gaze drops to my mouth then lifts to meet mine again. I lean forward without thinking, whispering my lips across his in the barest of touches, feeling their soft warmth. His hand wraps around the side of my neck, pulling me closer, so his tongue can slide over the seam of my mouth. My lips part, and a whimper climbs up the back of my throat. As soon as the sound escapes, his body goes tight and he jumps away so fast that I almost fall off the side of the step.
“Don’t.” The one word rips from him as his eyes flash with anger and confusion before he turns away. Tears of humiliation fill my eyes and my heart drops into my stomach as I watch him disappear around the corner of the house. After a couple minutes of fighting them back, I stand up and brush off my bottom, debating on how many people would notice if I just took off.
“Hey,” Rhonda says, opening the door. Her eyes search my face and a frown forms on her mouth as she steps outside. “Are you okay? I just saw Austin take off.”
“I messed up,” I tell her as dread fills me. I just lost someone who has become a great friend once again, and I did it without thinking. I don’t even really know what happened.