I licked my lips and looked back at the TV. “Because I don’t deserve her man.”
Alec sat next to me on the couch. “And you think I do?”
“I know you don’t.” I sighed.
“Demetri…”
“I’m messed up…” I wrung my hands together. “I need… something. I need help or something. I don’t know. I’m just… Alec, I’m not well.”
My brother’s eyes went hard as he glanced at my face, his eyes focusing in on my pupils. They were probably so small he was having a hard time finding them. “You’re high.”
“Yeah.”
“All week?”
“Here and there.” I sighed. “I think” — I shrugged again — “I think I’m going to leave you here, with her, you guys can go be happy do your thing, whatever. I just… I don’t know. I need to fix me and I can’t do that when I’m constantly trying to be you.”
“Demetri—”
“Stop.” I choked on the word. “It’s true. I’ve looked up to you my whole life and then when everything happened last year you just… got better and you left me. All of a sudden you weren’t partying, you weren’t using, you weren’t doing anything that you used to say was totally fine. You abandoned me.”
Alec’s eyes narrowed. “So you’re pissed I don’t do drugs with you? Is that what this is about?”
“No.” I stood and started pacing in front of him. “I’m pissed you introduced me to them in the first place. I’m pissed that while you’ve made a mess of my life and yours — that in the end you still get the girl. I’m angry as hell that I still crave pills, I still crave pot, and you’re happy as a clam. I’m pissed because you left me in the pit of hell and I have no way of getting out.”
“Demetri…”
“I gotta run. I may stay at a hotel tonight or something, whatever, I’ll have my cell.”
I ran out of the house and got into my car, then slammed my hands against the wheel until the pain was so fierce that I wanted to cry.
The problem.
I was still in the dark.
And Alec deserved to be there with me — instead, the sun was shining on his face, and God had gifted him with an angel.
Life wasn’t fair.
And suddenly I wanted to drive off a cliff.
CHAPTER THIRTY
Alec
I WAS OFFICIALLY breaking the law. I climbed into Nat’s window and stumbled a bit before catching my balance. Everything was blanketed in black. Making it from the window to her bed was like trying to walk through a mine field. Clothes were everywhere and I could have sworn I just stepped on a stuffed bear that talked, though I couldn’t be sure because its battery was clearly dying, meaning it just made a really creepy hoarse noise that I’m sure will come back to haunt me one day when I’m alone in my house.
Note to self, hide bear in Demetri’s room.
If he ever comes back.
Emotion clogged my throat. He was right about way too many things. How was it fair that I came out smelling like roses and he was stuck?
I just, I didn’t know how to unstick him.
With a muffled curse, I finally sat on Nat’s bed. She didn’t say anything; she barely even stirred. I wrapped my arms around her and lay down.
My eyes were so heavy with sleep that I didn’t even realize I’d fallen asleep until the sun started piercing through the window.
Nat moaned next to me.
I kissed her cheek, then her mouth, then her eyes.
“Hey,” I mumbled.
“Hey yourself.” She blinked her eyes a few times as if trying to focus. I smiled at her confusion… and inability to fully wake up.
After a few minutes of silence I cleared my throat. “He’s sorry.”
“I don’t care if he’s sorry. Sorry means he realizes what he did was wrong. Sorry means he wasn’t lying to me the entire time we were together. How the hell can you defend him?”
I cursed. “He’s my brother. It’s my job to protect him. Even if it’s from himself. You don’t understand. It’s complicated.”
“And me? What about me?” She tried to wriggle away from me, but my arms braced her shoulders as I leaned down and kissed her forehead.
“I’m pretty sure my only job from here on out is to show you how much I love you.” I hadn’t meant to say that out loud, but… keeping it in? Was damn near impossible. Especially with the hurt in her eyes.
“Alec?” Her voice cracked. “Was he lying the whole time?”
I jerked back the covers and got underneath them, pulling Nat’s warm body into mine. “No, Nat. He really did care about you. I think in his own twisted way he thought he was doing us a favor.”
“By being a bastard?”
“Come on, take his age into account, he’s immature.”
“He’s a year younger than you,” She pointed out. “Besides, how is him being a complete ass helping anyone?”
“It’s com—”
“I swear if you say it’s complicated one more time I’m going to throw you out the window.”
I laughed and nuzzled her neck, “I’d like to see you try.”
“You doubt me?”
My tongue slipped past my lips drawing circles down her neck. “Absolutely.”
A little moan escaped her lips and then a hiss of air.