She can be a nightmare, but this still feels better than any dream.
Her breathing calms, but she stays buried in my neck, sounding as if she’s asleep.
“I wish we would’ve met in grade school,” I say quietly, smiling to myself. “We would’ve played well together. On the playground, I mean.”
She pulls her head up, and there’s pain in her eyes.
I cup her face in my hands. “I know you,” I tell her. “I know you now. You wouldn’t have wanted this from anyone else. Because before me, you had sex once. Two years ago.”
Her eyebrows pinch together, and I can see tears glistening. Yeah, I remember the letter, babe. You were a mess, feeling ashamed and hurt, and I wanted to kill the guy.
“Everyone told you to do it, and you did,” I whisper. “He never spoke to you again, and that’s why you waited for me.”
“I wasn’t waiting for you.”
“You waited for it to feel right,” I bite back, not taking any more of her shit. “I was jealous when you confided in me about your first time. That was when I realized I was possessive of you.” I stare straight into her eyes, never sure about anything this much. “I want everything about you, Ryen, and I know you want me.”
Her body shakes a little, and I lean in, kissing her on the cheek. “But I love the way you lie.”
The next day, he’s not in our first class.
I know where he lives, and it brings me back to when I first noticed he’d stopped writing all those months ago. I can check on him if I’m really worried. He knows where to find me if he wants to see me.
But wait… I’m the one who doesn’t want to see him. I told him to go, so what if he did?
I know he never intended for things to get so out of hand, and I believe he’s sorry, but I can’t wrap my head around it. Pretending you’re someone else is bad enough. Lurking right under my nose with me none the wiser is awful.
But sleeping with me? How could he do it? Was he Masen or Misha in that truck at the drive-in? Was he really ever planning on telling me?
I shouldn’t have relented last night. The emotions were high, I missed him, and when he took me in his arms, I just wanted to stop fighting for five minutes. I wanted to feel good with him again and forget.
But now, the light of day is so bright I want to crawl back under the covers. Everyone heard him scold me at the party last night. Acting like I’m his property.
They may not know what’s happened between us, but they know something happened to make him that angry with me. And they know I’ve been lying about it.
I force down the lump in my throat and walk up to my cubby in the locker room, next to Lyla and Katelyn as they dress for P.E.
“Hey,” I say, trying to force a chipper tone.
But Lyla doesn’t respond. Instead she lifts her nose, sniffing the air and complaining to Katelyn next to her. “God, did the janitors clean last night? I smell skank everywhere.”
Katelyn laughs, and I tense.
“Can you believe that bitch didn’t even bother to show up to practice again this morning?” Katelyn tells her, loud enough for me to hear. “Doesn’t matter, I guess. Her fat ass was getting too heavy to catch.”
Liquid heat races through my veins, and I hear my pulse in my ears. I turn to them as they get dressed. “You wanna say something, say it to my face.”
But they both ignore me as if I haven’t said anything.
“So did J.D. book a limo?” Katelyn asks Lyla.
“Oh, yeah. One big enough for all of us,” she replies, and they both slam their locker doors, walking past me and down the aisle. “This night is going to be epic. Especially without Ryen there to stink up the car.”
Their delighted laughter grates on my ears and tears spring to my eyes, but I slam my locker closed, refusing to give in.
All through P.E. I stay away from them, slowly feeling their bubble getting bigger and pressing me further away. They’re them, and I’m me. Over here, separated, alone, and excluded. I’m outside the bubble.
Again.
How did I get here? What do I do?
After class, I shower and dress quickly, heading to my locker before lunch when I really just want to leave.
It’s easier, isn’t it? Rather than facing people I don’t like and being where I no longer feel I belong?
I’ve been here before. The uncertainty, the self-hate, the powerlessness…it’s all so familiar. But the last time, I took those feelings and turned them outward, making others feel what I felt. What I didn’t see is that those feelings came from people doing the same thing to me. I feel and fear exactly what they want me to feel and fear.
I won’t respond the same this time. I’m better than this.
I’m going to be better.
Moving down the lunch line, I take an orange juice out of the cooler and walk for the cashier, but arms suddenly lock me in on both sides, keeping me from moving. My heart jumps, thinking it’s Misha, but then I turn around, seeing Trey behind me.
“You know, if you wanted dirty, I could’ve done dirty,” he taunts, staring down at me. “Maybe it was good Laurent broke you in, though. Doesn’t take long for you little bitches to turn slut once you get a taste for it.”
I breathe hard. What the hell did he just say?
He laughs. “You should’ve seen the train we pulled on this girl last week. She had guys lined up. It was so fucking good.”
I push through his arm and pay for my juice, carrying my drink and books to an empty table as far away from his as I can find. I feel eyes on me everywhere, like people are laughing. I haven’t sat at a table alone in a long time.