Testes will descend from the body and begin producing testosterone and sperm.
I swallowed three more pills. I wouldn’t be a friendless victim anymore.
Spontaneous erections and nocturnal emissions are normal and should not be cause for alarm.
I swallowed three more pills. No more caring that Dad didn’t care about me.
Thick, coarse hair will appear on the face, chest, and stomach, with leg and arm hair noticeably thicker than females’.
I swallowed three more pills. My limbs felt heavy and strange. No more future with no love, no kisses, no closeness.
The voice will drop by about an octave as the larynx enlarges and hardens.
I swallowed three more pills. It was difficult to focus. No more possibility of shaming Mom with the knowledge of the kind of life I actually wanted.
Bone density and muscle mass increase and shoulders widen disproportionately, giving males and females distinct skeletal shapes.
I swallowed three more pills. I was very sleepy. Everything felt okay though. I knew everything would be okay. The bottom of the page said something about acne and body odor but the words danced whenever I tried to move my eyes over them. I closed the book and set it aside. I took the remaining pills and the glass of water and moved to the bathroom. I removed my clothes and sat down in the tub because I didn’t want to leave a mess. Leaving a mess would have been rude. I realized that I forgot to write a note but it was too late for that now, and soon nothing would matter at all. My eyes slid shut.
Everything was going to be okay.
31
The bus smelled of body odor and dry heating-vent air and urine. It was just after noon when we left; Dad had at least let me sleep in and fed me breakfast in silence. The man in the aisle seat was snoring loudly, but I didn’t care. I wanted to sleep, was tired enough to sleep, but couldn’t. I felt dead inside. I felt nothing.
I tried putting headphones in but by the time we reached Chattanooga and switched from I-24 to I-75, I had tried all my favorite songs and they all sounded like musical Styrofoam. I read articles on the Internet but they were all trivial. I wanted to be home, but I didn’t know what home was anymore. I pressed my cheek to the glass, the road slipping by like a black ribbon thrown across the hills. I watched the changing scenery of this place where I was born that had been telling me it hated me for as long as I could remember and gave in to the static behind my eyes.
* * *
The jolt of the bus coming to a stop sent me sitting straight up with a sharp breath. I shuffled down the aisle and descended the stairs. I stood for a moment in the fumes and noise of the Greyhound station, still feeling numb and cold.
“Yoo-hoo!” a loud female voice called, high and musical. It took me a moment to realize it was Mom. I looked in her direction and froze when I saw her sitting next to Virginia, both of them waving, Mom in a zip-up purple Windbreaker and sneakers, and Virginia in an oversize cable-knit sweater that came to her knees. My head swam, watching them together.
“Hi,” I said, putting my bags down and hugging each of them before giving them a confused look. “So, this is weird.”
“Is it?” Mom said, giving Virginia a look of concern.
“I don’t think so,” Virginia said, taking my bag for me as we made our way out to the sidewalk where Mom was parked.
“But you two barely know each other.”
“Don’t we?” Virginia said, smiling mischievously.
“I started going to that support group at your therapist’s office,” Mom explained as we got in her old gray SUV. I tried to picture Mom at the meetings and couldn’t. Mom must have known what I was thinking because she shrugged and said, “I got lonely and I wanted to know more about you, so I decided to check it out.” She squeezed my leg and gave me a look that told me everything was going to be okay. I put my hand over hers and smiled, silently thanking her for not mentioning that I had left town with a black eye and came back with one too.
The house was even cleaner than I remembered, and decked out in decorations for Thanksgiving, which was still a few days away. The living room and kitchen were explosions of orange and brown, with paper turkeys and cornucopias on every surface with any room. I smelled a roast in the oven, and spicy cornbread, and my mouth watered.
“That smells so good,” I said. “You didn’t have to go to the trouble.”
“You’re my daughter!” Mom said. “And you’re too skinny. I knew your daddy couldn’t even be trusted to feed you.” She walked into the kitchen and announced that dinner was in half an hour.
“I need some fresh air after the bus,” I yelled back.
“I’ll join you,” Virginia said, stepping outside with me.
“You staying for Thanksgiving?” I said as she put on her jacket.
“Wish I could,” she said, fiddling with her buttons as she descended the porch steps. “I’m actually moving down to Savannah next week. Got accepted to SCAD.”
“That’s so cool!” I said. She beamed at me and we walked in silence for a moment. I winced with each step. My ankle still throbbed. “So,” I said eventually, “you wanna know what happened?”
“Let’s talk about something else,” Virginia said. “Give you a little time. You deleted your Tumblr, didn’t you?” I nodded. “So you still don’t know what everybody’s been up to.” I shook my head, glad she was talking. Virginia and Mom were the only two people who could have been around me right now.