“I just wanted to tell you,” Dad began, stuttering and awkward. He didn’t look at me as he said, “You look really beautiful tonight.”
“Oh,” I said. “Thank you.” My face flushed.
“And be safe,” I heard him call behind me as I got out and closed the door, but it felt like an instinct, like something all fathers said to their daughters.
“Amanda!” Anna cried as I got out of the car, coming toward me with a broad, mischievous smile. “Amanda, look! Chloe’s wearing a dress.”
I turned toward the school lawn, where the setting sun had cast everything in a warm, golden glow, and saw Chloe in a red sleeveless dress that matched the color of her hair—just the shade that Layla had advised. I marveled at how lean and well-muscled her arms were and how lovely she was with her hair straightened and a hint of makeup on her eyes and cheeks—or how lovely she would have looked if she weren’t scowling and shuffling her feet like a sullen toddler. I knew the feeling, of course, since that was how I’d felt every day I’d had to wear boys’ clothes.
“Shut up,” Chloe said.
Grant arrived a few minutes later, his suit crisp and clean. He whistled when he saw me, his eyes wide and appreciative, and I had never felt more beautiful. I kissed him, and then we lined up for pictures, our arms wrapped like ribbons around the best present ever, and smiled so much our cheeks hurt.
* * *
The homecoming committee, under Anna and Layla’s expert guidance, had taken the “Heroes’ Homecoming” theme and transformed our drab, run-down gym into something out of The Odyssey. Canvases painted with profiles of Greek heroes slaying monsters lined the walls, hiding the folded-up bleachers. The ceiling was covered in blue streamers interspersed with hanging cardboard hydras and sea monsters. The DJ onstage at the far end of the gym even wore a toga.
I pulled Grant into the center of the crowd and danced with him as “All Night” by Icona Pop blared over the speakers. Something resonated in me whenever the singer declared, “We got the keys to open paradise,” and I felt too miraculous not to be moving with the boy I liked so much. I pulled him close, buried my face in his neck, and breathed him in, and realized I didn’t like him.
I loved him. I loved him, I knew that now. I tried to tell him, but the noise silenced my words. He cocked his head, and I just laughed and kissed him. There would be time to talk later. I thought of what he had said the other night, We have all the time in the world. We danced to song after song, my hair loose from my careful updo plastered with sweat against my forehead and my new heels digging into my feet, but I didn’t care. Finally, we were too worn out to continue. I kissed Grant and excused myself to the bathroom.
The halls felt like a crypt after the humidity in the gym. My clicking steps echoed off the rows of lockers and the chilly air raised goose bumps on my arms. I opened the bathroom door and paused when I saw Bee leaning against the sink with her eyes closed.
“Oh, hey!” I said.
She smiled and swayed in place. Her eyes were red and her cheeks were bright pink.
“Hi,” she said, slurring just a little.
“You okay?”
“Yeah,” she said. She blinked a few times, laughed, and leaned against the sink. “Yeah I’m fine. Are you fine though?”
“Of course,” I said, wrapping her in a hug. She sank into my arms and sighed happily, then pushed me out to arm’s length and stared into my eyes.
“But are you fine?” Bee said. “Are you really?”
“Why wouldn’t I be?” I said.
“Does Grant know yet?” She looked around for a moment and then added in a loud whisper, “About—you know.”
“No…” I said, confused. We hadn’t talked about my secret since Virginia had come to town, and I wondered what was on her mind. “I tried to tell him, but he said he didn’t need to know. Why?”
“You need to be with somebody who can share everything,” she said in a rush, and I could tell she’d been thinking about saying this for a long time. I suddenly remembered what Chloe had told me in the mall. “You’re so interesting and complicated—”
“Thanks, but—”
“And Grant’s so basic and normal.” She swayed and poked a finger into my chest. “That’s your problem. You work so, so hard to be boring so you can impress boring people.”
“I don’t,” I said, my stomach twisting.
“That’s not true,” Bee said, shaking her head. And then she reached out, took the front of my dress, and pulled me into a kiss before I could stop her. I pulled back immediately.
“What the hell, Bee?” I said, my voice tilting up shrilly. “What was that?”
“Oh, come on,” Bee said. Her cheeks were so red they practically glowed. “You’ve convinced yourself and everybody else that you’re this perfect, demure girl next door when you could be so much more.”
“Maybe I am the girl next door,” I said angrily. Bee pursed her lips and twitched like I’d hit her. I realized that under the bravado and the alcohol was a girl who had just made herself vulnerable and been shot down. I took a deep breath and softened my voice. “Listen, Bee, I’m really sorry if I gave you the impression—”
“Of course you’re sorry!”
“If I gave you the impression,” I said, going on, “that we were ever a possibility. But I like boys. I only like boys.” She stared at her feet in silence for a moment, her whole face going from pink to red. She sniffled once, and I thought she might be about to cry, but then she looked up and I didn’t see any tears. “Bee—” I went on, wanting to smooth things over between us, but was interrupted by the bathroom door flying open and Anna rushing in.