It only amplified the hollowness.
The vacancy that wept.
That turmoil I’d stumbled into the day Rynna had pushed me away had only grown with each moment that passed. Janel’s presence had gotten harder and harder to bear. Every single time I opened my goddamned door and she was there, it hit me anew.
It made my stomach clutch and my heart wrench, hating that I wasn’t coming home to Rynna. Hating that Frankie still didn’t know how to act around her mother, uneasy and unsure and a little bit scared. Hated that it made my skin crawl every goddamned time Janel took my baby girl in her arms.
I just fucking . . . hated.
Ollie appeared in front of me, popping the cap off a fresh beer. He slid it across the shiny bar. “Don’t know whether to keep feeding you these or cut you off.”
I lifted it to my lips and took a long pull before I tipped the neck his direction. “I’m pretty sure the answer to that is to keep them coming. You know what they say, it’s all about who you know.”
Chuckling beneath his breath, he planted his hands on the bar and stretched his tattooed arms out between us, dropping his voice when he leaned in close. “Yeah, well that might be the case, but that also means I know you. And I know you’re fucking miserable, man. This isn’t healthy.”
I took another sip. “Not much to be done about that now, is there?”
Ollie’s face screwed up in concern. “Not sure wasting away at my bar is the solution.”
“Just . . . can’t go back there, Ollie.”
He sighed and wiped a palm over his mouth before he turned his attention back on me. “So, you let your ex-wife back in your house, and now you can’t go back to it? You not seeing an issue with that?”
Oh, I was seeing plenty of issues.
Harsh laughter rolled from my tongue. “That’s the problem, Ollie. Janel’s not my ex. She’s still my fucking wife.”
A frown pinched between his brows. “Only thing claiming it is a piece of paper. And you know what that piece of paper says? It says the two of you would cherish each other, love each other, respect each other for all of your lives. It says the two of you would stay true through thick and thin. Through the good and the bad. I was there, remember? You really think Janel has been faithful to you since she left? You think her running off on you was fueled by her respect?” Quiet outrage shook Ollie’s head. “Pretty sure any contract you two had is expired.”
I jumped when a hand clamped down on my shoulder. My head jerked that way. Kale was there, grinning down, sliding into the stool next to me.
“Oh, do tell me I’m just in time for the conversation about the fucked-up situation our boy here has gotten himself into.”
Just fucking great.
All I needed was the two of them razzing me. Teasing and taunting me with what I already knew.
Ollie lifted his chin to Kale. “Yep. Right in time, brother. Pretty sure this asshole thinks he’s going to sit here all night and actually manage to drink his cares away.” Ollie turned back to me. “But believe me, when you wake up in the morning? They’re going to be right there waiting for you.”
“Comforting,” I grunted, taking a quick swig.
Ollie shrugged. “Just telling you like it is.”
“And what the hell do you expect me to do about it? Rynna already made her decision.” Didn’t mean to come off so pissy and irate, but I couldn’t stop it. Because I was.
I was angry.
Hurt.
This raging storm billowing inside of me where I was lost, going down in the middle of the sea, getting swallowed by the waves. No goddamned chance of being saved.
“Yeah?” Kale challenged, angling to the side in his stool so he was fully facing me. “And why’s that?”
“Because she knows it’s not worth getting involved in my mess.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
“I call bullshit.”
A huff of frustration bled out. “I went to her, Kale, I went to her and I begged her and she sent me away. I betrayed her, man, withholding that truth. She doesn’t trust me, which I can’t expect her to. I fucked it up, just like I always do.”
“Yeah, because she got railroaded by the truth that you’re still married. You think that whole thing wouldn’t have gone down differently if she would have been prepared? If you would have already been taking the steps to end that bullshit marriage that never should have existed in the first place?”
“Or maybe she should shut me down. I made a vow, and for once in my life, I need to stick to it.”
“Once in your life?” he bit out like he couldn’t believe his ears.
“Yeah. You think I didn’t make the same damned promises to Sydney—”
I slammed my mouth closed, a fence going down in front of the words that wanted to keep rolling out.
Ollie looked like I’d punched him. “What does Sydney have to do with any of this?”
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
I’d slipped.
Just like I’d been saying all along, ever since Rynna had come into my life, things had spun out of control. In the best of ways. In the worst of ways. I had just ripped open the locks to a past I didn’t want to unleash. A goddamned train wreck, no consideration to who was going to get in the mix of it.
Last thing I wanted was to hurt Ollie more than I already had. He didn’t need this. Fuck, he didn’t need any of this. Never had deserved it.
“What did you say?” Ollie’s voice was muted and strained.
I hopped up, hands gripping my hair, trying to reel it all in. Tossed out a few more lies. Not like they made any difference anyway. “Nothing . . . just should have stopped her that night.”
I drained my beer and slammed it down on the bar. “Gonna get out of here.”
Throwing a handful of twenties down, I spun on my heels and wound back through the crowds, shouldering through the bodies packed tight, their laughter and joy grating in my ear. A fucking grinding pad against my consciousness.
Swore I was close to a panic attack by the time I stumbled out into the night. I sucked down the cool breeze, lifting my head to the sky, wishing on any goddamned star that might appear.
I cringed when the door swung open behind me.
Didn’t need to turn around to know it was Kale.
“Just go back inside,” I told him.
“You really think I’m going to turn my back on you? Now? When you need me most? You might have done a bang-up job of convincing yourself all these years that you didn’t need anybody, but I think it’s plenty clear by now you’re wrong.”
He took a step toward me. “Tell me what you want, Rex. Tell me. Who?”
Frankie and Rynna. Frankie and Rynna. Their names spun on a circuit. Nonstop.
I shook my head. “This is all so fucked up, Kale.”
Slowly, I turned. “So fucked up, and I don’t have a fucking clue what to do.”
“Yes, you do. You know exactly what to do.”
Air puffed through my nose, and I looked away, raking a hand through my hair. “And what’s that?”
“You probably should start by forgiving yourself for Sydney. By finally letting go of what you’ve been carrying. Tell Ollie. He deserves to know.”
Fear clamored through my nerves. “Sydney doesn’t have anything to do with this.” Could barely force out the defense.
Kale took a step forward, angling his head. “Really? You’re really going to stand there and act like it doesn’t have everything to do with every damned decision you’ve made since it happened? Are you really going to act like it didn’t have everything to do with Janel in the first place?”
I blanched, attention swinging back to him, anger filling the words. “What? I’m not seeing how the two relate.”
“You settled, man. You settled because you thought you didn’t deserve to be happy. Because you thought you shouldn’t ever get to love again. And then Frankie, that sweet baby girl, came into your life, and you didn’t know how not to love anymore. So you gave in, opened your heart, loved. You loved, man, and then Janel destroyed it all over again. And now she’s back and you’re settling again.”