I stop studying her when her question sinks in. I straighten up as though that will make me less transparent. One look at me and she knew about Gregory. “No. I was going to say how did you know my boyfriend cheated on me?” See how nonchalantly I said that? It’s because I don’t care.
I need her to think I don’t care.
Without waiting for her to reply, I turn over, facing the wall as I settle on my bed. The last thing I want is for her to see I really am upset. How embarrassing is this? My first two weeks in college and I find out my boyfriend is sleeping with other people. Or at least one other person.
How did this happen to me?
“Hiding in your bed, isn’t going to make it go away.”
“I’m not hiding,” I tell her without moving.
“He’s not worth it. Don’t let him get you upset.”
How does she know what Gregory is worth? That isn’t what I say because I’m not supposed to be upset. Not over a guy. I’m better than that. “Please. Like I’d let him hurt me. I’m over it. Just tired, Andrea.”
She shuffles behind me and I’m pretty sure she stood up. “Sure you are. And the name is Andy.”
The door creaks open and then slams closed. My heart jumps at that sound. Who does that girl think she is? Pretending to know me when she doesn’t have a clue who I am. I bounce back. Move forward. Forget the past where people leave me behind. I’m definitely not going to let Gregory and Red get me down.
Which is exactly why I should get out of this bed right now and move on. Find that guy I lied about or go to a party. Do something. I’m in college and nothing should have me lying in this bed.
But I’m tired. Too tired to do anything, so instead of getting up, I pull a blanket over my head and try to figure out what happened to my life.
***
“You sound tired,” Aunt Lily says through the phone.
“Do I? I’m not sure why. Everything’s fine. ” I swing my legs off the side of the bed and sit up. The second I push my dark hair behind my ear, it flops free again.
Aunt Lily sighs. “If you’re sure.” For just a second I wish she’d push. Wonder if I could tell her, but that means letting her in. I don’t need to be pushed.
I stand. There’s no reason for me to still be in bed. It happened, nothing will fix it, so I might as well get over it. There’s no point in dwelling on facts. Not when they’ll be there no matter what I do.
And there’s also no point in holding off on this. Aunt Lily and Uncle Mark will find out. It’s better if it comes from me. “Gregory…he cheated on me.” The words make me fall back to the bed. Saying them makes it more real. He cheated on me. I played the perfect game. The perfect girlfriend and it still wasn’t enough.
Lily sucks in a breath. “You’re sure?”
“I came back to campus early and I found them together.”
There’s a few seconds of silence on the line. “I’m so sorry, sweetie.”
I hear the pity in her voice. Know exactly what she’s thinking. After all she’s been through, she shouldn’t have to deal with this, too. I don’t want pity. “I’m fine, Lily. It’s really not a big deal. I was thinking of breaking up with him anyway.” The lie rolls easily off my tongue.
She pauses and I wonder if she wants more from me. Wishes I could let myself be closer to her. Really let her in. For a second, I let myself wish it too.
“It still can’t be easy. Are you sure? You never let anything get you down, Cheyenne. It has to hurt.”
All over again, I feel like I might vomit. My head pounds. Stop it! I’m past panicking. I don’t let myself freak out anymore. “It happens, Lily. I’m shocked, but they say most young relationships don’t work, right?” I play the game, hoping she buys it.
Aunt Lily sighs. “I’m proud of you… Your mom would be too,” she adds.
With that my body tenses. Would she? I don’t know. The woman I knew doesn’t seem to be the same one Lily grew up with. The one I knew left me alone at drunken parties and didn’t care if I went to school or not. A flash of Mom’s smile jumps into my head and makes my heart hurt. I loved her smile. Loved her laugh.
My eyes sting again. “Someone’s at my door. I need to go,” I lie and hang up.
I fight for renewed strength to push through me. I won’t be that little girl again. I don’t need Gregory. Anyone. I’ll show him I can move forward. I’m better off without him. If there’s one thing I know, there’s no way in hell I’ll risk getting close to someone again.
~CHAPTER TWO~
Colt
Dying people have a distinct smell to them. Even people who could have months to go. It’s an almost old smell that clings to their skin. Which is gross as hell, but when it’s someone you love, you don’t think about how disgusting it is, but how much it f**king sucks.
The second I walk into the apartment, the scent hits me. I’m not sure whether to breathe through my nose and risk catching another whiff or through my mouth and puke, which makes me about the biggest pu**y on the planet. If she can take going through it, I should be able to visit.
“Colton? Is that you?” Her voice sounds happy despite what she’s going through. Does she smell the death like I do? Does it make her nauseous or is she immune? I’m such a prick.
“Of course it is, Mom. You expecting some other gorgeous, young guy to show up?” I round the corner into her living room. The curtains are open in the big window on the wall. She’s always loved sunshine. I wonder what the hell there is to be so sun-shiny about.
Mom laughs as she’s sitting in her old-tattered wheelchair. The robe I bought her for Christmas like eight years ago is around her shoulders. It has holes in it. The stupid thing needed to be thrown away a long time ago, but she doesn’t throw anything away. When you don’t have much, you take care of the stuff you do have.
I lean forward and kiss her forehead. I feel like a dick because I have to hold my breath to do it. She’s not wearing a hat today and all that’s left of her hair is fuzz. “What’s up?” Dust kicks up when I fall into the chair beside her.
“Not much. How are you today?” Her voice cracks and she starts to cough. Damn if I don’t want to plug my ears so I don’t have to hear it. Yeah. What a good son I am. She’d do anything for me, but I can hardly stand looking at her.
“How are you feelin’?” It’s a much more important question than anything about me.
Her hair used to be blonde and shiny. I remember people saying it looked like sunshine. Maybe that’s why she likes the curtains open so much. Winter will be hard. She probably won’t be here…
“I feel great.” Mom crosses her arms.
I roll my eyes. Yeah. How great can she feel? She’s dying. The docs say it could be a week, could be three months. You never can tell with this stuff. That’s a shitty answer if you ask me. They’re doctors. Aren’t they supposed to know that? If they can tell you you’re going to die, they should be able to narrow it down a little better.
“Mom…”
“Colton,” she throws back at me, a smile tilting her lips. “Tell me about school. How are your classes?”
Shitty. I hate them. They’re not nearly as important as what’s going on with you. “They’re cool. It’s only been a couple weeks.” Every year it’s the same. It’s all she cares about and all she talks about and every time I feel like I want to explode. I shouldn’t be worried about grades. I should be taking care of her—doing whatever the hell it takes to take care of her. It’s why I do the things I do.
Mom gives me another smile, her eyes a mixture of joy and pain. That look has the power to eat me up inside, like it burns through me the same way the cancer is burning through her body, destroying everything in sight. She touches my leg. Jesus, her fingers are thin.
“I can’t believe my son is a junior in college. You’ve grown into a man so quickly. I always knew you could do anything, Colton.”
Now guilt is my disease. Because I don’t see the point. Because I never gave a shit about going to college. I know who I am and what I amount to and no stupid degree will change that. Her? She always wanted it for me. She was born a crack baby, and survived. Bounced around between foster homes and survived. She always knew who her mom was—high school drop-out, runaway, drug addict. Mom didn’t do drugs, but she got pregnant with me young, just like her mom did. Became a high school drop-out. Are we seeing a pattern here?
The shitty part is my money comes from the thing that’s caused her all her problems. Drugs.
She’s survived everything. Not let it get her down. Worked her ass off. Took my dickhead dad in when he stumbled back into our lives and tried to be my mom and dad when he was gone.
All she ever wanted was for me to finish high school. Go to college, like that bullshit would make me better than my destiny.
“It’s not that big a deal, Mom.” I squeeze her hand so she doesn’t see I’m pissed, but do it carefully so I don’t hurt her.
“Yes, it is.”
She got sick when I was a senior in high school and it happened fast. I promised her if she got better, I’d do everything she wanted. I’d go to school. We applied for scholarships, financial aid and all that together and she did start to get better. We thought she beat more odds, but by then, I was stuck. I’d made a promise and I knew it meant more to her than her life.
Three years later, I’m still in school and she’s really dying this time. All she wants is to know I’m going to finish—like the piece of paper will all make it worth it, or something.
“What time’s Maggie coming home?” A subject change is definitely in order. Maggie’s an ex-nurse mom became friends with. They’re roommates and she’s mom’s caregiver now. Hospice comes in to check on her, but it helps knowing Maggie’s here all the time. We struggled for insurance all our lives, but once you’re dying, things are different. Sucks that it has to come to that.