I can't imagine what his life is like, trying to juggle school, work, and raising a daughter. "I don't know how you do it, dude. You must be spent."
He laughs and his voice sounds tired, but happy, fulfilled. "I'm tired and I'm busy, that's for sure. But, honestly, I wouldn't want it any other way. Stella is my life. She's the reason I get up in the morning and do what I do. And my classes, even work ... it all helps me cope with losing Katie, you know? Especially the first few months she was gone. Any idle moment I had, I found myself drowning in despair." He pauses and runs his hand through his hair while he's thinking. "God, she would've hated that. She taught me so many things, but being brave enough to go out there and live life to the fullest, and to love with your whole heart—that's what she was all about. So, that's what I try to do every day to honor her memory. That, and be spontaneous every once in and a while." He smiles. "I don't know why, but it makes me feel a little more powerful when I do it."
I have to laugh at his honesty. "You're a rebel, dude," I say.
He laughs with me. "I know. I'm a badass."
"That you are, my friend. That you are." He is—a badass dad and a badass friend.
Sunday, December 3
(Gus)
I hear a timid knock at my bedroom door. It's the knock of a person who didn't want to knock in the first place, or doesn't want the person inside to answer.
It's nine o'clock in the morning. I'm awake, but I'm still in bed. "Come in!" I yell.
The door pushes open slowly, and Pax's head pokes through. "Hey, Gus. Good morning."
"Buenos dias. What's up?" I wave him in because he's still standing outside with only his head peeking through the opening.
He pushes the door open, but asks, "Can I talk to you for a minute?" before he steps in.
"Of course."
He wastes no time shutting the door behind him and sits on the corner of my bed. He looks nervous. I haven't seen him like this in weeks.
"Dude. Spill. What's goin' on?" His nerves are making me nervous.
His eyes are cast away from me and his cheeks are reddening at an alarming rate. "I have a date with Mason," he blurts. Then he releases a long breath. He's trying to calm himself down, and I kinda fear he may start hyperventilating.
I clap my hands to cheer him on. "Well done, dude. Well. Done."
He finally looks at me and smiles, but his eyes are panicky. "We've been talking a lot at school lately, and I asked her for her number on Friday. I called her last night. I asked her if she wanted to go out with me today, and she said yes."
I'm smiling now. "Right on. So, what's the problem?" There's definitely an issue or he wouldn't be in here.
He takes a deep breath and the panic returns to his eyes. "What am I supposed to do now? I've never been out with a girl."
"Seriously?" I knew he didn't have a lot of experience with girls but he's almost eighteen years old, I figured he'd been around the block a time or two.
"Yeah. Never," he confirms.
"Well dude, I've never really been a dating type of guy, but why don't you take her out to lunch, or the movies, or the beach. There are tons of options."
"We have to do something we can walk to. Her car is in the shop I guess and well, I don't have one, so—"
I interrupt him. "So take my truck. I don't need to go anywhere today."
His eyes widen. "Really? You'd let me take the shit wagon?"
"Sure. You have a license, right?"
He nods quickly, mouth still gaping.
"She's yours. Be good to her, though. She's not much, but I love her."
He's still nodding, he hasn't stopped. "I will. I have to pick up Mason at noon. I'll be home by five."
"No hurry. I plan on getting out in the water this afternoon, so I won't need it. Take your time."
I climb out of bed, and sift through the pockets of the jeans I wore last night. Pulling out my keys, I toss them to Pax.
He attempts a smile when he catches them, but it's still strained. "Thanks Gus."
"No worries." And then something else crosses my mind and I start digging through my nightstand drawer. I toss him a handful of foil packets.
He catches them, but when he realizes what he's holding, he drops them to the floor. Then he scrambles to pick them up again. It's clear he's baffled and embarrassed.
I laugh, trying to calm his nerves. "Put a raincoat on it every time, dude."
He shakes his head, staring at the condoms in his hand. "I don't need these."
I'm smiling again because the kid's innocence kills me. He's never been on a date and clearly he's a virgin. It's like spotting a golden unicorn. "You don't know that, dude. Maybe not today—"
It's his turn to interrupt. "Definitely not today." I swear I almost see him shudder in fear.
I nod and try to stifle a laugh. "Okay. Not today, but sex is in your future at some point. You're human, for Christ's sake. Take them. Keep them. Use them when you're ready. Come back for more if you're scared to buy them. I won't pry, but I will supply."
His eyes are big as saucers, but he stuffs them in his pocket. "Okay. Thanks again, Gus."
He's walking to the door when I stop him. "Pax?"
He turns with his hand on the doorknob. "Yeah."
"You've got this. Just be yourself. You're awesome."
He smiles and for the first time in the last few minutes, it's genuine. "Thanks."
When the door shuts, I have to laugh. The last five minutes were like an awkward PSA. I love that damn kid.
Monday, December 4
(Gus)
I'm sitting at Ma's piano now, because I picked up my guitar for the first time in weeks this morning and it felt like a burden in my hands. It felt like rejection. Like it didn't want me there. So I set it back down in the corner of my bedroom and went down to the basement.
I haven't sat on this piano bench for over a year. I rarely write music with the piano. I almost always write songs using my guitar, but sometimes inspiration strikes and I come up with a melody while I'm messing around on it. Let's hope this works. I need luck. I need music. I feel empty without it.