“Okay. Can we have music?”
“Of course.” He changed the CD and put on Jeff Buckley’s “Lover, You Should’ve Come Over.” I moved to the edge of the bed and lifted the dress over my head, tossed it aside, and then I slid my panties down to my ankles and kicked them off, never once looking up at Matt. Holding my hands over my bare breasts, I heard him snap a few pictures while I sat there, very still, looking down at the ground. He walked over to the lamp and put some thin material over the shade, dimming the light. I turned and pulled the bedspread back, revealing the white sheets before lying back on the pillow. I looked up at him finally but kept my body covered with my hands as best as I could.
His head was cocked to the side, like he was studying the composition, while he held the camera by the lens in his left hand. As he walked toward me, I could tell he was trying to read my expression. He stood over me at the edge of the bed and ran his right hand over my propped-up knee before skimming it down my calf. “Try to relax, okay baby?”
I nodded nervously. “My boobs are really small.”
He shook his head and smiled. “Take your hands away, Grace. You’re beautiful.” Something about Matt’s confidence and the way he took photography so seriously made it easier for me to pose for him. When he pulled the camera away from his eyes, I could see the beatific expression on his face. It reminded me of the way I felt when I played music. It was like something transcendent happened to him when he took pictures. Closing my eyes and breathing shallowly, I put my hands above my head and then heard the shutter clicking away as Jeff Buckley promised me that it would never ever be over.
Later, as I lay wrapped in my blankets, I watched Matt scouring the room. “What are you doing?”
“Looking for my shirt.”
I yanked it out from underneath the bed. “Found it. But it’s mine now.” I pulled it over my head. I loved the way Matt’s clothes smelled, like fabric softener and man soap.
“Holding my clothes hostage?”
“Stay with me?”
He stared at me for an uncomfortably long time.
“Matt?”
“All right,” he said, quietly. He slipped his jeans off and came toward me in his boxers. When I yanked back the old quilt, he slid between the blankets. “Come here, Gracie,” he said, pulling me toward him. I passed out in his arms.
Would I ever be able to stop thinking about how it felt to be wrapped up in him like that? Our bodies merged into one. Sleeping alone would never feel normal again. The way he moved was confident. Male. Slipping into his embrace was the most natural thing. Maybe it was because of all of the months we’d been studying each other, waiting for this moment. Or maybe it was because he had done this before.
10. That’s When You Had Me
Grace
Matt was gone in the morning. There was no question I was putting his self-control to the test.
Pornsake acted normal in the practice room on Saturday but Tatiana looked at me strangely. “You’re kind of glowing, Grace. Oh. My. God!” She leaned over her chair to get closer to me. “Did you bone Pornsake after class yesterday?”
“God, no! And be quiet.” I looked around to the other students who were watching us.
Dan made an announcement, which saved us from the uncomfortable attention. “To those of you who are interested in going abroad next year with me as part of an orchestra I’m putting together, please stick around after practice. We’ll be doing tryouts this afternoon.”
I packed up my cello and followed Tatiana toward the door. Dan grabbed my arm. “Grace, you’re not trying out?”
I looked down at his hand at my elbow. Dan was getting a little too close for comfort. “I should have told you. I’m applying to grad school. I turned in my applications this morning.”
“But we talked about the tour last night . . .”
“Dan . . . Professor, I’ve been planning to go to grad school since my freshman year. I’m not sure that I can just up and leave for a year and a half.”
“Grad school will always be there, Grace. I regretted not doing more things like this when I was your age. That’s why I’m taking the time off now.” He seemed frustrated.
“This isn’t about . . .”
“What?”
“Never mind.” I sensed jealousy from him. I tried to clarify. “The sooner I’m finished with my education, the sooner I can start making money.”
“It shouldn’t be about money, Grace. We’re talking about music here. You have more passion than any other student I’ve come across.” I glanced at Tati, who was standing in the doorway, listening.
“It’s about money for me because I have none.” I laughed bitterly. “And I have a shit-load of student loans to pay back.” I pulled out of his grip.
“I see,” he said in a biting voice. He nodded and I hurried toward Tati.
Once we were outside of class, Tati bumped shoulders with me. “I think you just broke Pornsake’s heart.”
“He’s so nice but he doesn’t understand.”
“I guess I don’t really either.”
“What do you mean? I have no money and no support. Do you think traveling Europe is free?”
“I don’t think that’s the only reason.”
I knew she wanted to mention something about Matt. “Don’t even say it. If you think it’s such a good idea, then you go try out.”