"I know." Her head comes down on my shoulder. I love that she's like this with me now.
"I think I need to do this alone. Not because I don't trust you, but...I just think it's best."
"That's fine, Jay. I get it. Just don't shut me out. That's all I want."
"I won't. You're scary when you're pissed."
She pops up and smacks my leg.
"I'm kidding! I meant hot. You're way too hot to piss off."
We both start to laugh. Right as we pull up in my drive way she leans on my shoulder again.
"I'm serious."
"I know. I'll call you tomorrow. I promise."
Chapter Eighteen
I seriously think there is something wrong with me. It seems like I'm always getting these strange feelings or thinking about stuff way more than I used to and I don't like it. I notice things more now, or maybe it's that I'm realizing what I notice? That makes no sense, but the second I step into the house, I feel like I don't belong here.
I was never really happy here. I never felt like it was mine, but it almost feels as though I'm trying to get into a foreign country without my passport. I made it over the border, but I'm prepared to get kicked out at any moment.
And for this particular vacation, it's forced so I'm actually kind of hoping to get the boot.
"Mike!" Mom's voice calls out as I close the door. "Mike, is that you?" She sounds frantic, her feet slapping against the hardwood floor as she runs round the corner. She slides to a stop when she sees me.
"Surprise!" I go for a smile. "But then, I guess it's not really a surprise since I told you I was on my way."
"Jaden." Her arms wrap around me and I find that I wanted it. Maybe needed it a little bit. I'm not sure what that says about me and right now I don't want to take the time to think about it. Or the fact that I'm shocked. She yelled at me on the phone, but she's hugging me?
"Hey, Mom. Are you okay?"
Her eyes are pink. Like maybe they were red, but she cried so much the color bled out.
She shakes her head and then her face is buried in my neck as she cries. The longer it lasts the more stressed out I'm getting. The angrier I am at him, freaked out he hurt her. All sorts of thoughts keep popping up in my head and I try to process them all.
"Come on. Let's sit down." We head into the living room and sit down. How can it feel so strange to be here after such a short amount of time?
"What happened, Mom?"
It freaks me out looking at her. She looks frail and sick. Is this for him? The man who treated me like shit my whole life? I don't get it.
"He's just gone, Jaden. I don't know where he went. It's been so hard ever since..."Her words trail off and she looks at her lap.
"Ever since what?" My body tenses because I have a feeling I know what she's going to say.
"Ever since you left he's been angrier. I keep messing up. I need to get it together so I can make him happy again."
There has never been a moment where I hated Mike like I do right now. Hate him for making her feel like this. I grab her hand. "I'm pretty sure he's never happy unless he's tormenting someone, Mom. It's not you. It's not your fault."
She starts to shake. I don't get it. I don't understand how he can have this kind of effect on her.
"Yes it is. It's always been my fault. If I could give him what he needs, he wouldn't be so mad at me! I wouldn't force him to say such horrible things about me."
Bile rises in my throat and it feels like my chest is cracked open. "Screw that! You don't make him do anything. It's his problem, not yours. You don't need him in your life." Need me. Need your son.
She pulls her hand away and rubs her face. "He's been in my life since I was sixteen years old! He took care of me and protected me. You've never needed anyone, Jaden. I need him."
Her words make me lose my breath. I've never needed anyone? I feel like I need everyone, everything. I can't do anything on my own. And it would have been nice to have her...
"I'm nothing without him." She shakes her head. "Nothing."
My anger helps me find my tongue. "He's nothing! He's a bully. He lost his verbal punching bag and he took it out on you!" I push to my feet. "I'm sorry about that, Mom. I never wanted him to hurt you. I thought it would be better for you, but I can't handle hearing you talking about him like he's a king or something when he's treated me like crap my whole life."
"You don't understand!"
"No, I don't!" It's like she's programmed or something. She's depended on him. He's always been the most important to her, way more important than me, but I can't handle seeing her like this. Hearing her talk about how much she needs the man who called her a slut and shoved down my throat how worthless I am.
I feel like screaming. It seriously threatens to crawl up my throat. My body is ready to explode. She needs him? Him? "You let him treat me like shit! You let him hate me and never stood up for me!"
"Jaden." She shakes her head again before standing. She reaches for me, but I pull away. "It's not like that. I tried my best, by you. I loved you, but you have to think about how it made him feel. You were my mistake and he had to live with it every day. I had to live with it every day."
I flinch.
Somehow it makes her words register. "I didn't mean that. Not the way it sounded."
"It's okay." I take a couple steps backward. It's not okay at all, but I can't make myself say that. I was her mistake. I always reminded her of how she messed up. I ruined her life.
"Things were supposed to be better now," her voice breaks. "You were supposed to be happy there and we were supposed to be happy here. Why did you start in with him on the phone?"
So that's another way this is my fault. Right now, I can't feel, just react. "I didn't! It was him." It all makes sense. He needed someone to take his anger out on and I wasn't here, so he took it out on her. "I'm sorry, Mom."
That must be the wrong thing to say because she starts to cry again. I walk over to her and put my hand on her shoulder.
"I can't be alone, Jaden. I can't do it. I don't know how to be alone."
"You don't have to be alone, Mom. I'm here."
"You'll stay with me? You won't leave me alone?" she asks through sobs.
I want to say no. The thought makes everything inside me freeze—makes me feel lonely all of a sudden. I'm not supposed to stay here with her in this house I hate. I'm supposed to be in New York with my friends. With Priscilla. How can I leave her?
"Yeah, Mom... I'll stay. As long as you need me to, I'll stay."
***
My stomach is inside out as I drive Mom's car to Priscilla. My palms are sweaty. How am I supposed to do this? I mean, how can I leave her, after everything? Part of it is because I can't stand to let her down again. I know that's exactly what I'm doing. Will there ever be a time I'm not letting her down? Or someone down?
More than that, is it's me, too. I love this girl. She's freaking incredible. Everything about her is, and I'm the dumbass choosing to walk away from her? To leave her?
But it's for Mom.
Mom, who kicked me out.
Mom, who said I was a mistake.
I still can't get my head and heart on the same wavelength. After everything I've been through they're still not in sync and I wonder if they'll ever be. If I'll ever be.
My brain tells me to go, but it's that other part that's getting ripped apart. It wants to go, but feels obligated to stay.
Yeah, I'm totally screwed in the head.
"Hey," I say as she gets in the car. Turning sideways, I push a strand of hair out of her face and behind her ear. Her tongue sneaks out and licks her bottom lip. Her lashes are so long and dark, outlining her eyes. "You are so hot."
Priscilla returns my grin. "I missed you, too."
Once the car is in first gear, I pull away. Words bubble in my throat and I can't hold them back, not that I want to. "I did, you know. Miss you."
"I know."
We head to the park because we live in a lame town and there really isn't anywhere else to go. There's a little creek though and we sit by it just hanging out.
Tell her, tell her, tell her.
The words repeat in my brain, but it's another broken connection and I can't get them to come out of my mouth. Instead I keep on being afraid and lean back on the ground, my hands locked behind my head. Priscilla leans on my arm.
"You're quiet. Everything okay?" She reads me like she always does.
"Just the stuff with my mom. We got into it. She's really tripping out about my da—Mike. It's f**king crazy that I still forget and call him dad. It's not like he ever acted like one."
"It's a lot to take in, Jaden. You've gone through a lot of crap in a short amount of time. Give yourself a break, or I'll have to kick your butt."
"You can't kick nothing. I got mad skills."
"Dios!" She groans. "You just sounded like Sebastian."
"What? I'm way cooler than him. Plus, he'd say something dumb like ninja."
Priscilla laughs. "Because ‘mad skills' is so much better than being a ninja."
"It is." I roll over and touch my lips to hers. Seriously. I've always liked kissing, but kissing other girls doesn't hold a candle to kissing her.
When we separate I look down at her. "She called me her mistake." I don't know why I feel the need to tell her. I feel kind of dumb, but I need to get it out too. Need to tell her.
"She doesn't deserve you." Priscilla's hand comes up and pushes my hair back. It fell into my face because of the way I'm leaned over. "None of them do. You're not a mistake, Jaden Sinclair."