I looked down at my hand where it rested on the table, feeling like a fool. “I’m sorry, Adrienne.”
She put up a hand. “Don’t be, really. I mean, I’m not going to pretend like I’m not disappointed. But I wanted to see where it goes, and here it is.”
See where it goes. The words rang through my brain. All I needed was to be brave enough to make a move, a real move on Cam, consequences be damned. Because I couldn’t shake her, not now. Not until I knew for sure.
She watched me. “You just realized it, didn’t you?”
I nodded.
“Well, then I’d call dinner a success. Just not in the way I’d been hoping.” She took a sip of her wine, and the server brought our dinner, setting it in front of us, warm and steaming.
I wasn’t even sure I could eat — the pit in my stomach seemed to occupy all the space.
“So,” she said matter-of-factly, picking up her fork, “what are you going to do about it?”
I watched her for a second and took a drink. “Isn’t this weird for you, Adrienne?”
“A little,” she said with a shrug. “But I want to help. So, what’s your plan?”
I shook my head, sighing. “I … I don’t even know. You have to understand that Cam is dead set against a relationship on the grounds that we’re too different. I’m not sure how to broach the subject with her. I’m not even sure exactly how I feel, other than a little dizzy.”
She chuckled and speared a potato wedge. “You don’t talk to a lot of people about this sort of thing, do you?”
“None. Just Cam. I can’t exactly sort it out with her though.”
“No, not this time.” She slipped the fork into her mouth, chewed and swallowed as she thought. “What’s stopping you?”
“She compared me to her brother earlier today, is that enough of a reason?”
She winced. “Maybe. Do you think she meant it?”
I sighed, staring at my food. “Sometimes I get these … I don’t know, vibes from her. I know she’s attracted to me, but she denies having any feelings for me that aren’t strictly platonic. And if I don’t handle this carefully, it could blow up in my face. She’s my roommate, for God’s sake.”
Adrienne nodded. “And one of your closest friends, it would seem.”
“And that.”
“And you could lose her.”
My heart squeezed tight. “And that,” I said softly.
“Well, the way I see it, you have two options.”
I picked up my fork and poked at the grilled broccoli on my plate briefly before setting the utensil down again.
“You can tell her how you feel, or you can leave.”
I frowned. “I can’t just keep it to myself?”
“Nope. You’ll implode from the pressure. Once you know, that’s it. You can’t un-ring the bell. The knowledge alone changes everything, and there’s no going back.”
“I don’t want to leave,” I answered solidly.
Her dark eyes met mine. “Then you know what you have to do. Honestly, you could still end up having to leave. If she doesn’t want you the same way that you want her, it would mean the end of it all anyway.”
It was sound logic — I could find no fault other than that being honest about my feelings with Cam scared the hell out of me. “Anyone ever tell you you’re a wise woman?”
She laughed, white teeth flashing. “A time or two. One thing about being the boss is that you learn how to see the available options and outcomes on the fly. You learn how to pull the trigger with the knowledge that you’ve made the best decision, even when it’s terrifying.”
I felt my way through my thoughts, looking for the path to the answer. “I can’t just go in guns blazing, but I don’t think I need some grand plan to tell her how I feel, either. I have no idea what to do,” I said half to myself.
“I think you’ll know, when the time is right.”
I nodded, picking up my fork again. This time, I took a bite. She made it sound so simple — the thought filled me with hope and fear and uncertainty. But Adrienne was right. I had to tell her. I imagined it as I ate in silence, her rejection. Her acceptance. Her happiness. Because that was really all I wanted. Her happiness was my very own, and if what she said was true, if she really believed us to be so different that she couldn’t think of me as more than a friend, then I would find a way to accept that.
I wouldn’t lose her friendship. We would find a way through it together. Because I’d regret it until the end of my days if I didn’t tell her what she meant to me.
I swallowed and drank my wine. “Thank you, Adrienne. I’m sorry, really. I’ve never had a date quite like this before.”
“It’s all right. I have to admit I was crushing on you pretty hard for a second there.” She chuckled. “The hunt continues. I’m sure Mr. Right is just around the corner. Maybe I’ll even enlist Cam’s help.”
“Just keep coming to singles night. I’m sure she’ll have you set up by Christmas.”
Adrienne laughed. “A girl can hope.”
Dinner passed easily, though my mind was on Cam. I longed for a moment to myself before I went home, and after I walked Adrienne to her apartment, I made my way through the streets to our building, circling it a few times before working up the courage to go in. Partly, I hoped she’d already be asleep. Partly, I didn’t know what I’d say, if I’d even say anything.