Lauren spent the last two nights of her leave with Cassie in her new/old flat. They shared a bottle of wine, a pan of chicken stir-fry with rice and ice cream for dessert. Lauren looked around. “It’s not much, but it’s cute.”
“Aren’t these supposed to be the struggling years that we look back on with sentimental bliss and humor?” Cassie asked.
“It wasn’t like this for me,” Lauren said. “Your father was a surgeon. He came from a rich family, or so they’ve always told me. We never lived in an apartment. He bought a house. It was a perfectly nice house but he never talked to me about it. He just bought it. That should have been a red flag...”
“You’ve always made the excuse that he’s not an easy man,” Cassie said. “I was terrified all through college when people said girls marry their fathers. I love him, I can’t help it, but I definitely didn’t want someone as high-maintenance as him to share a life with.”
Lauren took a breath. “I want to give you some advice and then I want to tell you something. I haven’t told your dad that you plan to live with Jeremy. I think you should have any roommate of your choosing. You don’t need permission.”
“I’m right, aren’t I? He hates Jeremy!”
“Hate? I hope not. Jeremy isn’t tough and ambitious enough for your father. Jeremy is gentle and kind and brilliant. There’s absolutely no reason a man with those attributes can’t be hugely successful.”
“Oh, you only know the Jeremy he lets you see,” Cassie said. “Yes, he’s very kind, very fair, but he has integrity and can really dig in when he sees injustice. He’s not timid and Daddy doesn’t scare him at all. There’s more power in that integrity than in a blustering, arrogant fool who thinks he’s king. Oh! I didn’t mean Daddy. Or maybe I did, but not intentionally.”
“It’s all right, sweetheart. Everyone knows. Apparently he’s a gifted surgeon, though some nurses have said he has the personality of Attila the Hun. The ones that aren’t in love with him, at least. Listen, this is very hard for me but I can’t leave you here without telling you. I’m planning to ask him for a divorce. No, that’s not accurate. I’m going to go home and tell him I’m filing for divorce. Then I’m leaving right away. I’ve already rented a small house for myself.”
Cassie’s mouth hung open; stunned silence hung heavy in the air. And then she began leaking tears.
“Oh honey, listen, I’ve given this a lot of thought and it’s not an easy choice...”
“After all this time?” Cassie said, grabbing her mother’s hands. “I wondered if you ever would!”
“What do you mean?”
“Mama, do you think I’m completely dense? As if I don’t know about him? I’ve known since Disneyland!”
“Disney...? What?”
“Don’t you remember? Or did it just blend in with all the other times? Remember your argument over where to have lunch? Remember what he did?”
Lauren frowned, trying to remember.
“He wanted sushi. You said we girls wouldn’t eat sushi. I was seven. I wanted a hamburger or hot dog. You said you were going to take us to McDonald’s. He told you we could eat rice, but we didn’t want rice. He argued and argued and we started to act up because we were hungry and he started to pick on you and said that we were spoiled brats and it was your fault. Pretty soon you just turned to walk away and he—”
“Oh God,” Lauren said, covering her eyes with her hand. He had tripped her. She went down hard, fell flat on her face, bloodied her nose. And he rushed to her side saying honey, honey, you all right? And a man nearby also rushed to her and said, What were you doing, man? You tripped her! And Brad said, Don’t be ridiculous, this is my wife! And the man insisted, he’d seen Brad stick out a foot, hook it around her ankle...
“He tripped me,” Lauren said.
“That sort of thing happened a lot,” Cassie said.
“No, that was very rare,” Lauren said.
Cassie bit her lip and held silent for a long moment. “Even once isn’t right,” she finally said in a quiet voice. “You have to do this, Mama. Please.”
* * *
“Thanks for coming over, Mike,” Beau said. Drew, of course, already lived at the house. “I have new keys for both you guys. I’ve changed the locks. It’s official, we’re getting divorced. I’m going to do everything I can to keep this from turning into world war three.”
“You’re what?” Michael said. “I thought you were in counseling!”
“Yes, we went a few times. It wasn’t working, I’m sorry.”
“Did you try?” he demanded. “Really try?”
There was so much Beau wanted to explain. He wished he could make them understand how demoralizing it is to have your wife, your partner, completely unable to commit, unable to take responsibility. The sense of failure at never being enough for her. She was happy once... “I’ve tried several times. I was the one to say it—I think it’s time we let it end. I don’t want to do this anymore.”
“So that’s it? And you changed the locks? What’s she supposed to do?”
“She’s hardly homeless—she has a pretty swank flat in the city. Her half of the closet is empty. Here’s what’s supposed to happen. Our lawyers are supposed to talk about how we divide our property. In California it’s called No Fault. That means—”
“I know what it means!” Michael said. “And you locked her out of the house. It’s her house, too!”
“Hey, Mike, back off,” Drew said. “This isn’t Beau’s fault, you know that!”
“She’s not locked out,” Beau said. “She’s welcome any time, as long as someone’s here. She can have anything she wants, but it has to be documented for the lawyers so that at the end of the day, it’s fair. When a couple goes through as many separations as we have, it doesn’t exactly look like the marriage is working. Come on, it’s obvious to you guys it’s not going to work. It was probably obvious two separations ago. I did my best.”
“You don’t seem all torn up about it,” Mike said.
“Hey, what’s up your butt?” Drew asked. “It’s not like Beau hasn’t jumped through all her hoops!”
“She’s our mother!” Mike said. “She’s brokenhearted!”
“Aw shit, she called you,” Beau said.
“Last night,” Mike said. “Crying!”
“Listen to me, don’t let anyone put this on you!” Beau said. “It was her decision to leave, her decision to move out. This is a marriage, not a revolving door!” He took a breath. “She’s only brokenhearted because she didn’t get her way. She calls it off, she wants to turn it back on, then off again, then—”
“You know she’s never happy,” Drew said to Michael. “Come on. It’s not like you didn’t expect this.”
“Neither did your mom,” Beau said. “I guess she thought we’d do this for life, back and forth. But I don’t want to spend my life like that. I’m sorry if it hurts, I’m sorry if you’re angry, but I’m done. I think a divorce will give your mom a chance to start fresh without looking back all the time. I think it’s time we all found some peace. That’s all I’m looking for. Peace.”
“So you locked her out of her own house,” Michael said, angry.
“She’s not locked out, she just can’t live here now. I bought the house. I lived in it before I met you guys and your mom. And she left. I didn’t ask her to leave. I asked her to stay and try to work it out. But she needed space and some freedom. Now she has it. And we’ll resolve this fairly. Whatever settlement the lawyers can come up with that works for everyone involved, that’s what we’ll do. I’m not punishing anyone. I just want to get on with my life. For that matter, I want you guys to be able to get on with yours.” He looked at them imploringly. “Haven’t you been through this enough?”
“You just don’t love her anymore?” Mike asked.
Beau pulled out a dining room chair and sat at the table. “Michael, in a way I’ll always love your mother. For starters, she’s your mother—she gave me you guys. Watching you grow up has been the best part of my life so far. I care about Pam. But I can’t fix what’s wrong.”
“So now I guess you’ll just go?” Michael said.
Beau was stunned. Drew made a sound of disgust, as if he couldn’t believe his brother just said that. “Why would I go anywhere? Worst case, I have to move out and let your mom have the house. So if that happens, I’ll find something else. There will always be room for you two. And your families, when they come.”
Michael got a little teary. “Sure,” he said. He swiped an arm under his nose like a seven-year-old.
“Mike, I know I’m not your biological father but I’ve always thought of you as a son. You have to know that.”
“Then why can’t you make it work?” he asked.
“Don’t be dumb,” Drew shot out. “It’s not Beau’s fault and you know it. Mom can be a pain in the ass.”
But Beau knew that wasn’t the problem Mike was having. “I’m not going anywhere, Mike. The only way you’ll get rid of me is if you don’t want me in your life and I hope to God that never happens. You’re an adult—you choose your friends and family. I want to be your chosen family. But that’s up to you. Not to your girlfriend, your grandparents, your teachers or the cops—just you. And incidentally, if your mom puts pressure on you to break off your relationship with me, telling her no is an option. I want to be there for you, like always. If you’ll let me.”
“It’s just that she wants us to be all together so much,” he said, sounding pitifully like a child.