Right around the third class, they showed us a video of a live birth. I had nightmares for a week after that. Tyler and I agreed that we had to find a way to get out of going to the classes.
We hadn’t mutually agreed on a plan, so during the fifth class, Tyler took it upon himself and used his own bodily gifts to get us into a heap of trouble. Tyler is lactose intolerant, and he has to take these little white tablets every time he eats cheese. The morning of the class, he stopped by the studio with a half-eaten pizza. I didn’t even think twice about it until that night in class during our visualization exercises when this god-awful, horrendous odor overtook our senses.
At first everyone kept quiet and just looked around for the source. There wasn’t a sound to accompany the lethal attack, so everyone went into investigation mode, staring each other down. Mia began to gag. I heard Jenny cry a little behind us. Finally when I turned toward Tyler, I noticed he had the most triumphant glimmer in his eyes. I completely lost my shit. I was rolling around, laughing hysterically.
Mia grabbed the hood of my sweatshirt and pulled me to my feet. “Outside, now!” She was scowling as she dragged me along. When we passed Tyler, she pointed to him angrily. “You too, joker.”
Mia and Jenny pressed us up against the brick wall outside and then gave us the death stare, both of them with their arms crossed over their blooming bellies. They whispered something to each other and then turned and walked off, arm in arm.
We followed. “Come on, you guys, it was funny.”
Jenny stopped dead in her tracks and turned. She jabbed her index finger into my chest and said, “Yes, it is funny. When you’re five! Not when you’re in a room full of pregnant women. Do you know how sensitive our noses are?”
I shrugged. “It wasn’t me.”
“Oh, I know he’s a child,” she said but wouldn’t even look at Tyler. “And you are too, Will, for encouraging it.”
Mia was glaring at me with a disappointed look, and then she shook her head and turned to continue down the street. Jenny caught up and walked away with her.
“God, they’re so sensitive,” I whispered to Tyler.
“Yeah, I kinda feel bad.”
Without turning around, Mia yelled to us, “You guys don’t have to come anymore. Jenny and I can be each other’s partners.”
I turned to Tyler and mouthed, “It worked!” I had a huge smile on my face.
Tyler and I high-fived.
“Why don’t you guys go celebrate? I know that’s what you wanted,” Jenny yelled back as they made a sharp turn down the sidewalk and down the stairs to the subway.
“Nothing gets past them,” Tyler said.
When Tyler and I finally made it to the platform, Mia was gone.
“Where’s Mia?” I said to Jenny, who was trying to ignore me.
She stared straight forward but still answered me. “She caught the subway going that way.” She pointed. “To Brooklyn, to your home. It was just about to go—the doors were closing when we got down here.”
“And you let her get on by herself? She’s f**king pregnant, Jenny.”
“I’m well aware. She’s a big girl; she can ride the subway alone once in a while.”
I started pacing, my heart pounding. Tyler just looked like a clueless oaf standing there, waiting for someone to tell him what to do. Jenny leaned against a pole and played on her phone. I took off and ran to the other side of the station to catch the train I needed to be on. Tyler yelled at me to wait, but I ignored him. I rode the subway back to Brooklyn and ran into a liquor store, bought a pack of cigarettes, and then continued the block and half back to my building. I skipped every other stair up to our loft and flew through the door. Mia wasn’t home. Fuck, oh f**k, oh f**k.
I called her from my cell but she didn’t pick up. I texted her and then left a voice mail. I was almost in tears. “Please, baby, tell me you guys are okay.” Weeks before, I had started referring to Mia and the baby as you guys. “I’m a nervous wreck.”
Standing in front of our building, I lit a cigarette and nervously sucked and puffed it. I was down to the filter in one minute flat. I pulled another cigarette out and did the same. Finally, I spotted her, strolling down the street toward me, accompanied by Tyler.
“What the f**k?” I yelled when they were still a block away.
Tyler walked Mia to the end of the block and then threw his hand up, waving good-bye. I didn’t wave back. When Mia reached me, I was shaking my head. “What, you were hiding behind a f**king pole, waiting for me to lose it and go running after you?”
Never breaking a smile, she stood there with her arms crossed. “We didn’t think you would take off.”
“I was going after you, my wife, my pregnant wife. Did you think that was funny?”
“I thought it was about as funny as a grown man intentionally farting in a birthing-method class.”
“That wasn’t me!” I shouted.
“But you laughed.”
“Why is everyone mad at me and Tyler just gets off scot-free?”
“Oh, he’ll get his turn, trust me. There’s nothing quite like the wrath of Jenny—you know that.”
I looked down at Mia’s waist. Her tiny belly was poking through her coat. “It’s freezing out here. Let’s get you inside. I’m sorry about tonight, okay?”
“I just want you to take this natural-birth thing seriously with me, Will. It’s going to be a big deal. I need to be prepared and I need you on my team. Jenny’s due date is a month and half after mine. I’m going to have to do this first. I want this so bad, but I’m already doubting myself.”