Every muscle was flexed as he sat on the edge of the bed. His back was ramrod straight, his arms clenching the sheets.
“Why are you always apologizing after kissing me?” I asked, slowly moving to sit next to him.
He laughed bitterly. “Because I shouldn’t be kissing you, Nat.”
“But I thought you liked me.”
“Liked you?” Alec nearly shouted. I backed up. I didn’t like seeing him mad, he was normally in such control of his emotions that I didn’t know how to respond to him. “I don’t just like you, Nat. But it doesn’t matter.”
“Why?”
“He loves you, Nat.”
“I…” I didn’t know what to say. “I care for Demetri, you know I do.”
Alec swallowed and looked away, his Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat as if he was trying to keep from shouting again.
“I just care about you too.”
“Damn it! Do you have any idea how screwed up this is, Nat?”
I nodded, my shoulders slumped. I was so tired of fighting my feelings. So tired of telling myself I had to choose or I would lose them both.
“It won’t happen again.” He swore. “I promised him it wouldn’t happen again.”
“What do you mean? Why are you so cryptic?”
Alec bit his lower lip and then let out a long sigh. “I would lose much more than your friendship if I answered that question, and regardless of my actions around you, I still truly desire to be your friend.”
“Can you? With this between us?” I was grasping at straws. I needed him to admit it wasn’t just me. That I wasn’t going absolutely bat shit crazy.
He was quiet for a few minutes. It felt like hours when he finally answered, “I have to.”
“So that’s that?” I said angrily.
Alec stood and turned to face me. “Yes. End of discussion.”
I glared but he stood firm. What was with him and his need for control? “Fine, let’s go for a run.”
“Nat.” He reached out and grabbed my hand. “Please don’t be mad. I don’t think I could handle it if I knew you were mad. I know you don’t get it, but we’re messed up, both of us. My brother and I. You’re the only one that’s been able to bring him out of it. He needs you.”
“More than you do?” I whispered looking down at the floor.
Alec cursed. “No.”
Surprised by his answer my head jolted up.
“I just know at what cost it would be to have you, and it’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make.”
Tears threatened to pour down my face at his admission. I nodded, my lower lip quivering. I turned around as quick as I could, warm salty tears poured down my cheeks. I hadn’t expected his second rejection to hurt worse than the first, but it did. Somehow my heart felt like it was ripping in two, and I couldn’t fight the slight tremble in my hands as I wiped the tears away.
“Don’t cry,” Alec said moving behind me and pulling my body back against his. “I promise this is for the best. He can make you so happy, Nat. He deserves to be happy. You love him, I know you do.”
I nodded and without looking at him answered, “I love you, too.”
Chapter Nineteen
Alec’s arms tensed around me. Had I really just said that out loud? I was embarrassed enough that I was crying. I expected him to recoil from me, to shout, or even curse. Instead his lips grazed my ear. “I love you, too.”
I shuddered in his arms. He released me. “No more, Nat. We can’t talk about this anymore, okay?”
I turned around, the stain of tears were still present on my cheeks. I nodded and exhaled. “We should run.”
He seemed thankful for the subject change, his eyes widened briefly and then he nodded. “Yeah, um… let me just get my stuff on. Want me to meet at your house in about ten minutes?”
“Sure.” I gave him the most cheerful smile I could conjure up and bolted out the door. I ran the entire way to my house. I only had a few minutes and I needed those minutes like I needed air.
Once I was inside my bedroom, I slammed the door behind me, fell to my knees and wept.
True to his word, ten minutes later Alec was outside knocking on the door. I splashed my face with water and grabbed my phone and ear buds.
I didn’t look any worse for the wear. He was a boy, but he wasn’t a complete idiot. He’d know I would cry, so it shouldn’t surprise him all that much.
“Ready?” he asked the minute I opened the door.
“Yup.” I gave him a cheerful smile and prayed silently that I would make it through the run without having a complete breakdown.
After the first mile, the familiar strain in my legs began anew, helping me refocus on my breathing and pace rather than on the ache in my chest from this morning. My mind flashed to Alec in bed, our bodies entwined, our kiss heated. It was like nothing I had ever experienced mainly because my response to him was so different — primal even. I craved more, needed more from him.
Whatever they were hiding must be big. The bond they had with one another was scary strong, almost as if they both had some traumatic experience and lived through it. The only thing I could think of was their father having cancer. I can’t imagine.
At mile four, we were getting ready to turn back when Demetri’s voice came over the speakers. I smiled and looked at Alec.
“What?” he asked.
“One of your songs. Demetri’s singing,” I said.