I sucked in a breath and leaned toward him, putting my fingers under his chin and turning his face toward me. Our eyes met, his filled with pain and self-disgust. "Brogan, you can't believe you're responsible for that. Even if you did beg, even if you tried to stay, he would have thrown you out. He would have hurt her anyway. Then, or maybe later. You were not responsible for him being a sick, violent man or for him hurting her the way he did."
His smile was sad. "Maybe. I'll never know and it's another thing I have to live with." He looked down again and I studied him for several moments, recalling what Courtney had said when she burst into his house.
"He went to prison for what he did to her and now he's getting out?"
"Yes."
"And what does she expect you to do? You made your choices, but, Brogan, she made hers, too. She bears responsibility for what happened to her as well. Probably most of all."
He shook his head. "She wants me to protect her, keep her safe."
"You feel responsible for her? That's madness. You can't spend your entire life paying for something that wasn't your fault."
He shrugged. "It didn't seem like such a terrible price to pay before—"
"Before what?"
"Before you came back into my life. Before it became obvious she’d put a wedge between us. And I don't want that. I just want you, and I wish I had gone about this differently. I have so many regrets."
I swallowed, his words music to my ears. I wanted him to want me over her, but . . . "Does she think you want her?"
He shook his head adamantly. "No, no. It's not like that. I've been honest with her. She uses situations like last night to get to me."
"And you let her."
"I have in the past, yes. I admit to givin' in to the guilt I feel when it comes to Courtney. And things were completely different before two weeks ago. I didn't think it would hurt anyone that I provide comfort to her if she needed it, if I spent time with her at social events, things like that. But last night when Courtney showed up, I just needed to spell out the situation for her in private. Because in the past I've been there for her, but I can't and I won't be anymore. I'm sorry, Lydia. I'm sorry for what you thought, what I put you through. But I couldn't talk to her in front of you. It wouldn't have been right to do that—not to her, but mostly, not to you."
I blinked at him. "You . . . told her about me?"
"A bit, not much. She doesn't need all the details of my personal life, whether she thinks so or not."
I worried my lip, considering all he'd said. "I'm not sure what to say." It was true, I didn't. I just needed to digest what Brogan had told me.
"You don't have to say anythin' right now. I'm sorry I've further complicated things. I was unprepared for this. You have to know that. Fionn said this whole thing would go arseways, and he was right."
I gave him a small smile. "Arseways," I muttered. "A complete mess."
He gave me a slight smile and then nodded to where my stitches were under the T-shirt I'd changed into. "How are ya?" Ha-ware-ya? His brogue had been pronounced during the telling of his past.
"I'm fine. It's just a scratch. And you were right—I shouldn't have gone out, especially not to Stuart's. I was so hurt and . . . stubborn." Stupid really. I took responsibility for this.
Brogan stood up. "I was negotiating this morning with the men who hold Stuart's loans, but I hadn't agreed to their terms yet. I have now. It's done."
I blinked. "So you did buy more time for Stuart?" I asked, hopefully. "Thank you, Brogan."
"The debts are mine now."
Confusion rushed through me. My mouth opened to speak, but when I realized I had no idea what to say, I shut it again. Finally I managed, "Yours? I don't . . . I don't understand."
"I took on Stuart's debt. He's free and clear, and I have their word they will not extend him more credit."
"But . . . but, why?"
"Because I set this all in motion, and because I will not risk ya, that's why."
My heart sped up. I just want you. I stared at him, not knowing exactly what to say, feeling overwhelmed with all the information he'd just given me and experiencing what felt like a hundred different emotions at once. I put my hand on my stomach as if I could hold myself together from the outside.
"You must be starving," he said and though he had misinterpreted my movement, I was grateful he'd changed the subject. I needed time to process. I was completely overwhelmed in every way.
"I am actually," I said slowly.
He smiled, the first real one I'd seen since he'd arrived home the night before—what now seemed like a million years ago. "Then let me feed you."
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Brogan
I leaned back on my pillows, halfheartedly watching ESPN, considering everything that had happened since yesterday afternoon. Jaysus. Courtney showing up had been the cherry on top of a shit pie. I'd wanted to claw my eyes out at the situation. But what could I do except take Courtney to a place where she'd calm down, and I could explain to her why she was not allowed to come barreling into my apartment anytime she wished, demanding I cater to her emotional needs?
Of course, once I'd gotten her upstairs, she'd made it clear her needs were of the physical nature, too, as they usually were, and I'd practically had to fight her off me.