"Of course," Brogan said, seeming to know exactly what I was asking and stepping back. I wondered what he was thinking, where he would wander, but I pushed it out of my mind. I needed to take this time for me.
"I'll meet you back at the car in a little while." He simply nodded.
I strolled around the property for a while, letting the many pleasant memories fill my mind: listening for the sound of my dad's car every evening and running to the driveway to greet him, throwing my arms around his neck as he laughed and swung me around. I remembered how my mother had loved the snow and how the first snowfall was always a magical day in our home. My mother's laugh would be filled with joy as we made snow angels and caught snowflakes on our tongues. I remembered my mother coming into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight, before she left for a night out with my father. I remembered her perfume, something light and feminine that I didn't know the name of. I remembered how she'd give me Eskimo kisses and tell me that someday I was going to fall in love with a man just like she'd fallen in love with my daddy. And someday I'd make a little girl as pretty as me. Oh Mama.
As I walked around the fence of the pool, I remembered laughing with my girlfriends so many summers as we slathered on sunscreen, read magazine articles aloud to each other, and gossiped about boys. Closing my eyes, I inhaled the familiar scent: grass, flowers, and the faint smell of horses nearby, a smell that lingered even though all the animals had been sold. I turned around and looked toward the stable. It would be my last stop.
As I strolled there, a feeling of peace came over me. There was no particular reason for it—I felt sad, lost, my life in upheaval and nothing was certain and yet . . . there it was. I wanted to believe that for just a moment, my beloved parents had used the breeze to caress me and tell me everything would be okay, and that somewhere deep inside I knew it was true. I miss you both so very much, and wish you were here to stand by my side. I’d felt adrift for so long, and recently—even before Brogan had taken over our company—the resilient façade had started to crack a little. I realized now that a large part of it was that losing both parents by nineteen had been so grueling—harrowing—and I'd never fully acknowledged that deep pain. That searing loss. Yet, being within the grounds where I’d been raised brought welcome comfort. Soothing smells. Calm . . .
Both my parents had died here, but it was the living I was remembering. And God, I'd needed this.
I tried the back door of the stable. Surprisingly it was open. The light inside was dimmer, dust motes twirling lazily in shafts of sunlight coming from the skylights above. The smell of old wood, hay, and the faint scent of the horses that had once lived here mingled together in the still air. I walked to the stalls and stood staring into the empty space. My eyes filled with tears. "Oh Maribel," I whispered. She had been my horse and part of this property I'd grieved the hardest for when Ginny told me she had to sell it. She'd reassured me she had found a good home for her, but I still missed her even though so much time had passed. "Are they good to you?" I whispered.
Bending my neck, I rested my forehead against the rough wood. I heard a small sound and whirled around. Brogan was standing by the open door, looking unsure, his hands in his pockets. For just a moment I simply stared at him. He looked so much like the boy I'd once known, the boy I'd wanted desperately to be mine, the boy I'd once . . . loved. Yes, I'd loved him. Some would say I hadn't known him well enough to love him, that I'd loved my own fantasy of him, that I'd simply been young and fickle, that perhaps I didn't even know what love was. But I didn't believe it—even now, all these years later and with the eyes of a woman. Something in him had called to me, something about him had spoken to my heart in a way no one had before or since. Even now, standing across from each other in the dim light of the stable where we'd first made love, there was so much bitterness between us, so much heartache and resentment, and yet my heart recognized something in him I could feel but didn’t know how to name.
"Hi," I whispered. Brogan walked toward me, never taking his eyes from mine. The expression on his face was so intense, so filled with the same yearning I'd known in his eyes before. It shocked me—touched me—filled me with warmth for him, because I recognized what it was costing him to let me see it. When he'd stepped right up to me, I tipped my head back to look up at him, my breath catching. He brought his hand to my face and used his thumb to wipe the tear from my cheek.
"Lydia," he said, his voice low and hoarse. "Mo Chroí."
A princess? No, no longer. But it was what he'd always called me, and so it was special for that reason alone, especially when said that way. I shook my head back and forth. "I just . . ."
"I know," he said. "I know." I leaned in to his touch. Maybe it was because I was emotional. Maybe because it just felt so good to have someone touch me with tenderness in that moment. Or maybe it was because it was Brogan, and we were back together in the place where I'd once loved him, and he was showing me a glimpse of his own vulnerability. Maybe it was all those things.
I felt like I'd gone back in time for just a moment and I wanted to grasp onto it and do it better this time. I wanted another chance . . . another opportunity to make things different. And though I knew it couldn't be so, right then it felt possible anyway.
My breath rushed out and I put my hand over Brogan's heart and felt it beating steadily under my palm. "Lydia," he said again. A question, an answer, a prayer.