“It’s not like talking about it is gonna change anything.”
“How do you know that?” Miller asks.
I run a frustrated hand through my hair. “Because it was supposed to be just fun and now it isn’t for her.”
“Can you explain that?” Miller asks.
“It was getting too serious,” I summarize.
“For who?” Miller scratches his week-old beard.
We’ve been over this before. I don’t see why we’re having the same conversation again. “For her.”
“So all she wanted was dick?” Miller asks.
“Well, yeah. We had a conversation right at the beginning about it being just fun and keeping things light.”
“Can we back up a second, because I’m still confused. Sunny says Lily’s a fucking mess over this. I don’t get why she’d be so upset if she was only in it for the dick.”
“I’m her rebound. I didn’t think it was going to turn into a case of the feelings.”
“Am I the only one here who’s acknowledging that you’ve been talking about Lily like you two were in a relationship?” Lance asks.
“No, we were—”
“Just having fun. We know.” Lance rolls his eyes.
“Well, what else could it reasonably be with her all the way in Canada and me traveling half the year? Besides, she just got out of a seven-year relationship—”
“From the sound of it, that relationship was over long before that,” Miller says.
“It’s not like it matters. It’s better this way. Ending shit was smart before I could ruin it by doing something stupid.” Shit. I am teen-girl PMS-y.
“What are you even talking about?” Miller asks.
“She’s moving here, and I’m gonna want this to be something it can’t be.” I think it should be clear by now who I am.
“You mean a relationship?” Miller presses. Lance is staring at his Xbox controller.
“Yeah.”
“I don’t get why it can’t be exactly that, especially with her moving to Chicago. That’s way easier to manage than her living in Canada. I would know. It seems like that’s what you want.”
“Yeah, but I’m gonna fuck her over eventually.”
“How can you know? They replace your balls with crystal ones? Can you see into the future?” Miller looks extremely unimpressed.
“That’s what my dad did. He fucked my mom over. Repeatedly. I don’t ever want to do that to another person. I don’t wanna hurt someone like that.”
“You’re not your dad,” Miller argues.
“I’m exactly like him.”
“No, you’re not.”
“Yes. I am.”
“Uh, dude, I grew up with you. I know what your dad’s like, and while you might look like him and you might play hockey like he did—except better—that’s where the similarities end. You’ve spent your entire life trying not to be like him. You’d never do to another person what he did to your mom. You’re a better person than he is.”
“I almost screwed another girl the last time I was in Toronto. The only reason I didn’t was because Lily showed up.”
“You wouldn’t have fucked her,” Lance says quietly.
“You don’t know that. If you hadn’t said something, I wouldn’t have checked my messages, and I would’ve taken that chick up to my room.”
“Doesn’t mean you would’ve fucked her. I wouldn’t have let that happen,” Lance replies.
“I don’t see how you would’ve been able to stop me. And that’s the point, isn’t it? I don’t have the ability to be with one person.”
“You’ve never even tried to know,” Miller fires back. “You always cut out when it starts getting real—except you didn’t do that with Lily.”
“Look how well that’s worked out! And when she told me how she felt, I told her I’d fuck her over. Why the hell would she want anything to do with me after I said something like that?”
Lance is shaking his head now, but still looking at the floor.
Miller runs his palms over his thighs. “Look how much I screwed up with Sunny at the beginning, when I was still going to parties and there were all those pictures and shit. We had fights, and we talked it out. We got over it and made it work. You can’t know what the deal is with Lily unless you see her and talk. And if she’s not on the same page anymore, well, at least you tried rather than sitting here on your couch, making everyone around you deal with your fucking misery.”
He’s not wrong. And that sucks.
“We’ve all seen you with Lily,” Lance chimes in, the hint of Scot gets thicker as he continues. “There are feelings there. On both sides. Don’t let someone else’s bad choices be the reason you give up something that could be good.”
“He’s got a point,” Miller says.
I can’t believe I’m about to take relationship advice from Lance.
Chapter 26
Pining: Not Just for Trees
LILY
I’m not a piner. I don’t sit around and wallow. Well, I never used to sit around and wallow. But that’s what I’ve been doing between packing and training a new coach. She’s fantastic, and she’ll do an amazing job. But leaving my girls is hard. I’ve worked with some of them for a long time, watched them become beautiful skaters. The change should be good, though. Will be good. When I stop pining.