“Of course I do.” I twisted my hands together. “If you want me to.”
He walked toward me, and my stomach knotted. I couldn’t read his expression at all. “Jillian. I do want you to meet Scotty.”
“I feel like there’s a ‘but’ there.”
His jaw twitched, and he ran a hand through his hair. “I wish there wasn’t. I want this to be so much simpler than it is.”
“Talk to me.” I leaned back against the counter, my hands gripping the edge, feeling unprepared to deal with whatever was coming. “I can take it, Levi. I’m a big girl. If you want to keep your son separate from us, just say it. I mean, I don’t even really know what ‘us’ is.”
He reached for my hands and held them between us, staring at them. “I don’t either. But I’ve been thinking about this all week, and I know what I’d like us to be.”
“Which is?”
His eyes met mine. “I want us to be together.”
“As in…romantically?”
“Yes.”
Warmth flooded me, and I rose up on tiptoe. “I want that too.”
“But Jillian.” He squeezed my hands. “I have to be honest—I’m a seriously shitty boyfriend.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Because I can’t give you what you deserve.”
“Which is what?”
“All of me.” He shrugged as if he had a load of bricks on each shoulder. “I can’t give you all of me.”
“Because you have a son?”
He nodded, his dark eyes sad. “You deserve someone with more time for you. Someone who can make you his first priority. Someone who can offer you all the things you want in life.”
A lump formed in my throat and I swallowed hard, the reality of what he was saying sinking in. My gaze fell to our hands. His hands. They were so big compared to mine. I loved how mine fit inside them—it made me feel warm and protected. I loved that he was being honest with me and not trying to string me along just because the sex was good. I loved his sense of humor and his dirty mouth and his concern about being a gentleman. And maybe it was superficial or sexist, but I loved how tall he was and the way he carried me around and took command of my body—it made me feel beautiful and feminine and cherished. And I loved the way he loved his son with all his heart—even if it meant there was less of it for me.
But what was I willing to sacrifice for it?
I met his eyes again. “Levi, I won’t lie and say this is an easy decision, because I know what you’re telling me. And I’ve been avoiding this conversation because this feels so good with you. So easy.”
“It does.” He squeezed my hands again. “The feelings I have for you…” He shook his head. “It’s crazy. I feel like I’ve known you so much longer than just the last couple weeks, and ten times a day, I catch myself staring into space, lost in thoughts about you. And I don’t want to ruin this, but I don’t want you to hate me when I disappoint you. Because I will.”
I shook my head. “Levi, stop. I could never hate you for putting your son first. I understand. He needs you to do that.”
“He does.” His eyes shone. “But what about you? I’m bad at this, Jillian. The balance. I’m afraid I’ll fuck it up.”
My heart ached. “You’re so hard on yourself, Levi. How do you know what will happen unless we try?”
“I guess I don’t know for sure. I just know that you deserve more than I can give you, and you’ll realize that eventually. And yet I don’t want to give you up.” He kissed my hands. “I’m selfish.”
“You’re not selfish. I don’t want to give you up either.” Needing to feel his arms around me, I slipped my hands from his and twined them around his waist. He wrapped me up in his warm, solid embrace, and I laid my cheek on his chest. “I want this, Levi.”
“I want it too.”
I loved the way I could feel the vibrations of his low, quiet voice in his chest. “Then let’s try. I struggle with balance too, between my work and my personal life. Maybe we can help each other.”
He stroked my hair. “Will we ever see each other?”
“Of course we will. I don’t need all of your time, and you don’t need all of mine. It’s about quality, not quantity. And I don’t need to be your first priority, either. You’re a father, and I know that comes first. But Levi…” Growing nervous again, I pulled back so I could meet his eyes. I didn’t want to ask this question, but I had to. If I were twenty and didn’t know myself so well and just wanted a good time, things would be different, but I was thirty and self-aware and wanted something more.
I wanted a love story. With a happily ever after.
“I do need to feel like there’s the possibility of a future for us, at least somewhere down the road,” I said, willing myself to be brave and say the next part. “If you truly feel like we can never get there, even taking our time and going slow, I need to know now. I don’t mind being just friends, but the way I feel about you, I can’t—I couldn’t…keep doing what we’re doing.” I’ll fall in love with you. And you’ll break my heart.
He took a breath. “Jillian, a year ago, I’d have said there was no way. I thought putting Scotty first meant I had to sacrifice those things, so I never even considered it. If I ever felt alone, I told myself that was the price I had to pay to be a good father to him. But now…”