“I don’t know what in the hell you’re talking about!” Matty yells back. “If you’d tell me, I’d give you an explanation. Hell, I’d apologize, but I don’t know what the fuck is going on!” His hand goes to the back of his neck. A classic Matty sign of frustration.
I struggle into my T-shirt and then stomp over to my backpack and pull out the folder. I thrust it into his hands.
“This. This is what I’m talking about. You knew my class schedule, where I worked. That I was in mock trial. You even have a list of my fucks! I’m surprised you don’t have my goddamned medical records in there. Or did you know all along I was diabetic and were planning on using that against me, too?”
Matty’s face pales. He flips open the folder that is empty except for the note stuck to the back flap. He reaches in and crumples it up. Then the whole manila folder folds in on itself as he fists his hand. “Goddammit, no. I didn’t use any of this shit. I didn’t even know you and Ace—” He breaks off. “Fuck, I hate saying your names together in one sentence. I’m so fucking lost on you that I get irrationally jealous when your names are linked together because you don’t belong to Ace. You belong to me.”
“I don’t belong to anyone. Least of all you!” I jab him in the chest.
That was a mistake. He grabs my hand and pulls me into his arms, banding his muscle, bones and tissue around me like strong rope. I struggle, but he doesn’t release me. We look ridiculous. Like some black-and-white silent film villain and weak maiden.
“When did you know?” I choke on the words. “When did you know? Did you intentionally seek me out? Did you sleep with me to persuade me to talk to Ace? Did you?” I pound my fists on his chest, and he stands there and takes it. I pound and pound and pound and scream and cry until I’m too exhausted to say or do anything else but collapse in his arms.
He picks me up and carries me to his chair by the window.
“I didn’t know,” he says in a strained voice. His arms are loose around me, but he’s tense everywhere else. Ready, I suppose, to capture me if I try to flee again. Right now I’m drained. “I didn’t know until a day or two before you came to stay at Ace’s place.”
“Before we had sex,” I mumble into his chest. When I gain my second wind, I’m going to get up and leave.
“Yeah, before we had sex.”
“So you used me,” I say dully.
“No, goddammit. No. I fucking…no.”
“What were you going to say?” I feel like I’ve heard everything at this point and believe nothing. Nothing that I don’t see with my own eyes, at least.
He’s quiet for a long time. His chest rises and falls as he takes these giant gulps of breath, as if he’s preparing for something big. He better tell me the truth. I hope that’s what he’s gathering his courage to do.
“I think I’m falling in love with you. So, no—I did none of those things you say I did. But I don’t blame you for thinking them. I didn’t ask for that stuff to be done, and I’m sorry it was. But I’m not sorry I met you. I’m not sorry we made love.”
“Love?” My head’s spinning now. It’s a good thing I’m sitting down, even if it is on Matty’s lap, because I’m seriously confused.
“Yeah. I mean, do I know what love is? Probably not, but I can’t stop thinking about you. I grin at odd times during the day like a goddamn fool when I come across something you said or did. Sex with you is off-the-charts amazing. Kissing you. Just kissing you make me horny as hell. Other women walk by and I know in the past, pre-Lucy, I’d be attracted to them, but now they are like oatmeal to me. Bland and uninteresting. You’re the sugar in my life. So yeah, I’m falling in love with you.”
I have no response to that. We haven’t known each other for that long. Only a few weeks. It doesn’t make sense to me.
“I know it’s crazy, right?” he whispers into my hair. “For Masters, he said it was immediate. First time he saw Ellie, his wife, he told me the earth moved. I didn’t realize the earth was moving when I saw you the first time. I didn’t realize everything in my life was changing because it happened slowly. One meal, one conversation, one kiss at a time.”
My cheeks are wet again. I’ve never had anyone say these words to me before. I don’t know if they’re false. They don’t feel false. But can I even trust my instincts anymore?
He sighs again, and the breath ruffles my hair. I dig my face into his chest because I don’t want to talk. I don’t have the words for what I’m feeling right now. Happy, angry, sad, confused, elated. They are all inside of me, fighting for domination. The cocktail of strong emotions is making me dizzy and weak.
Matty rubs my arms slowly. “I swear to you on a stack of Holy Bibles, my grandmother Betty’s grave, and the Outland Trophy I won for last year’s season that I did not know who you were when we met at the Brew House or when I ate with you at Crowerly’s. I knew who you were when I found you baking cookies that night at Ace’s place, but I slept with you because I wanted you, not because of Ace. I hate that you have a relationship with Ace. It makes me jealous as fuck. And I’m not thrilled I’m in this position with Ace, but Coach laid it on me.”
For some reason, this sets off my bullshit meter. I push away from him so I can see his face.
“Coach told you?” I ask with some skepticism. “And you just do it?”