I’m quiet for a moment when she says, “Keep going.”
“Good, you’re still listening.” I grin. “I knew from the minute I first saw you that you were incredible. You’re so fucking beautiful, Addie. But more than that, you’re . . . you. Smart, kind, funny. When you smile, your whole being lights up, and you make everyone around you light up with you.” I lean my forehead on the door. “Open up, Addie.”
Nothing. So, I keep talking.
“So yes, from that first moment, I had plans, baby. I planned to spend as much time with you as you’d give me. I planned to get to know you, inside and out. And I found more in you than I ever expected to.
“You showed me what I need in a woman, Addison. I need someone who calls me out on my bullshit. I need someone who sees the fire in my eyes and wants to play with it, not try to extinguish it. I need someone who challenges me; in the bedroom, in my career, in my crazy head. And you know what? I found all of that in you.”
Still nothing, and it’s fucking killing me. I want to hold her while I tell her all of this. I don’t want to say it through this fucking door.
“I don’t know how else to say that I’m so sorry for how I acted. I should have come to you, shared my fears with you, rather than run. I should have trusted us as much as you did.”
I swallow hard. God, it really is over. What am I going to do without her?
“You know what, Addie? I learned more about myself in the two months I had with you than I did in my whole life. So, if nothing else, I have to thank you for that. I am so thankful, whether I’m a part of your life or not. And you’re probably right, you do deserve better than me. You deserve so much greatness. Please open this door, Addie. Please let me look you in the eyes so I can tell you how I feel about you.”
There’s a long pause, but finally, finally, she cracks the door, just so I can see her face. She’s not inviting me in.
“Thank you for all of that,” she says quietly. Her eyes are red, but she’s not crying now. “Thank you for the apology.”
“Can I please come inside?”
She chews her lip. “I don’t think so, Jake. I do appreciate your apology. It’s more than I’ve received before, and I didn’t realize how much I needed it until just now.”
“I’ve been apologizing to you all week, sweetheart.”
“No.” She shakes her head, looking resigned. “No, you’ve sent me pretty things and said that you missed me, which was also nice, don’t get me wrong, but that’s very different from an apology.”
I frown, shaking my head. “Addie—”
“No, I’m not saying this to guilt you,” she says. “Did it ever occur to you that while you were sending me expensive flowers and cheeseburgers, what I really wanted was you? Just you.” She smiles softly, taking in my hair, face, and chest. “I’ve never cared about the rest, Jake. The money, or the fame, or the cool house. Those are just the extras. I wanted you, because I felt that click too.”
“Addie—” I try again, but she interrupts me.
“I had an amazing time with you. You are a wonderful man, and you deserve so much greatness too. More than you give yourself credit for, I think.”
“I want you.” I lean in close, able to smell her now. “Just you.”
“You had me,” she replies softly. “And you hurt me.”
“I know. I’m so sorry.”
“The thing is, Jake, I’ve forgiven before, and it usually ends up the same in the end anyway. I get tossed aside for something else, whatever that may be. I don’t think I would survive it twice with you.”
“Let me inside, Addison.”
“No.” She swallows. “I want nothing but the best for you, Jake Keller.”
“You’re the best for me.”
“No, I’m not. Goodbye, Jake.”
She closes the door softly, and I’m stunned. What just happened? She’s saying goodbye?
“No. No, Addison, this is not goodbye. Damn it.” I pace away, pushing my hands through my hair, then back again, hoping that I’m wrong, that she’s opened the door and has come to her senses, but it’s shut and dark.
Jesus.
I didn’t realize that it’s true what they say, that when your heart is truly broken you can feel the moment it cracks. Until just now.
I’m pretty sure I’m bleeding out, right here on Addie’s doorstep.
And that’s fucking dramatic. But I don’t care.
No.
Chapter Nineteen
Addison
I can’t stop the tears, and I can’t have him see them. I’m leaning on the door as I hear his footsteps walk away. I push off and begin pacing around my living room, crying.
Damn it, I’ve shed enough tears over Jake Keller! And this mascara is expensive.
Why can’t he just go? I think I’ve made it very clear that I can’t trust him enough to take him back, and I can’t keep doing this. I can’t have constant reminders of him, practically every damn day!
He didn’t come to me. He didn’t try to talk to me.
I wipe the tears off my cheeks, and then stop dead in my tracks.
“Jesus, Addie, you’re being such a fucking hypocrite.”
He came to me tonight.
He apologized, and told me that he’s missed me, and he wrote me that incredible song.
And all the while, I’ve been punishing him for the way other men in my past have treated me. And that’s what I’ve accused him of: punishing me for what happened in his past.