Home > From Sand and Ash(11)

From Sand and Ash(11)
Author: Amy Harmon

“That’s like a man who is betrothed saying he is not yet married.”

It was exactly like that, and Angelo had no response. He was too honest and too shell-shocked by the whole evening to play games. Camillo was right. He couldn’t pretend. And reality was starting to penetrate the fog he’d been in.

Angelo wasn’t a stupid man. He wasn’t blind. He wasn’t deaf. He wasn’t dumb. But he’d been a fool. He’d thought he could love Eva and not be in love with her. He’d thought he could be close to her and not be too close. He’d thought he could have Eva and have God too.

And he couldn’t.

He was not the exception. He was the rule. He was not Saint George, slaying dragons for his God. He was simply Angelo Bianco, being slain by the wiliest serpent of all—Satan, flaming red, with seven heads and ten horns—which John spoke of in his Book of Revelation.

“I still want to be a priest, Camillo,” he whispered, and his chest ached at the admission, as if he were betraying Eva. He was betraying Eva. Just like he’d betrayed the church and betrayed himself. The last few hours had been the sweetest of his life, but they had not been his finest.

“I know,” Camillo said. “I know you do. That is why you are sitting out here alone instead of somewhere with Eva. That is why you’ve spent all these years treating her like a sister and letting me treat you like a son.”

“You are my family,” Angelo said, emotion rising in his chest.

“Yes. But you can still save her.” Camillo met his gaze with a frank expectation that confused Angelo all the more.

“But . . . I thought you meant . . .”

“Marriage? No. It’s illegal, first of all. Catholics can’t marry Jews, even though we’ve been marrying each other for decades in Italy. Even though Santino’s Catholic uncle married my Jewish aunt thirty years ago,” he scoffed, disgusted. But he waved his hand in the air, dismissing his derision as well as the mention of the convoluted family connection that had brought Santino and Camillo together in the first place. He continued. “And second, you’re right. Eva wouldn’t leave. It is a distinctly Jewish trait. We would rather die together than be separated from our loved ones.” He puffed his pipe, letting the silence cleanse his mental palate. “Ah, who knows? Maybe that isn’t a Jewish trait. Maybe that is a human trait.” He waved his hand again. “Regardless, I know she will not leave me to save herself.”

“I don’t understand, Camillo. What do you want me to do?” Angelo hoped Camillo could tell him exactly, give him instructions, make the path ahead straight and narrow.

“You are our only hope because you will be in a position to help many people, Angelo. The church is already helping refugees. Did you know that?”

Angelo shook his head. The question was, how did Camillo know?

“I have been looking for ways to help my father-in-law. I have been working with DELASEM—”

“What?” Angelo had no idea what DELASEM was.

“The Delegation for the Assistance of Jewish Emigrants,” Camillo supplied. “There are growing networks, Angelo. And the Catholic Church is quietly assisting where they can. The Catholics may save our souls after all,” Camillo said, smiling around his pipe. “Or maybe just our lives. But I will settle for that much.”

“What can I do?” The instructions seemed very vague.

“With the threats of war, Ostrica’s contracts have gone up tenfold. The government is our largest contractor. They don’t pay well, but they buy huge volume. We are just happy they haven’t taken the company in the name of the greater good. We specialize in fine handmade glass, but we invested in the machinery to do heavier, industrial-grade glass when Mussolini started posturing and war looked like it was going to become inevitable. We are richer than we’ve ever been, and a large percentage is going to DELASEM. I have even donated a large portion to the church with the caveat that you are the trustee of the account and have a right to dictate where, within the organization of the church, that money goes. I would ask that you make sure that it goes to feed and hide refugees and those who are sheltering them. Can you do that? Will you do that for me?”

“How?” Angelo asked again.

“Become a priest. Just like you’ve always planned. And if worse comes to worst, use your connections to hide us. I need you to save our family, Angelo.”

Eva lay awake all night, gloriously giddy, caught in the haze of remembered kisses, only to fall into a fierce depression when she contemplated the future. The last year had convinced her there were no happy endings, only happy interludes, and somehow the interludes made the endings even worse.

She ended up falling asleep near dawn and slept until noon. She took a leisurely bath, dried and curled her hair, painted her toenails red, and finally slunk down the stairs at about three o’clock, certain that everyone would take one look at her and see her feelings stamped all over her face. She was terrified of that first glance with Angelo, because then she would know if he felt the same. Maybe she just wouldn’t look at him at all.

Fabia was in the kitchen breading and frying sardines. Santino was fashioning some kind of hat decoration from the porcupine quills Angelo had found, and the rest of the family was gathered on the veranda, sipping lemonade laced with something stronger, enjoying the slightly cooler temperatures, courtesy of the previous night’s storm.

They all greeted Eva warmly with no mention of her late morning or her absence at dinner the night before. Angelo wasn’t on the veranda. She breathed a little easier as she wiggled beneath her father’s arm on the porch swing, leaning against him and closing her eyes so she could avoid seeing Angelo if he eventually joined them. But it wasn’t Angelo who made his way up the walk in late afternoon.

It was not uncommon for the manager and his wife—an older couple who had always been unfailingly polite and welcoming—to stop in every now and then and check on their guests. They managed the whole row of beach houses for one of Italy’s wealthiest families, though Eva could never remember which one. The couple was greeted warmly all around by the group gathered on the veranda. But the warm reception changed almost immediately into something cold and damp.

The elderly man and his wife stood side by side in front of Camillo, as if they needed moral support to do the immoral deed.

“I’m sorry, Signore,” the old man said. “I know you have come here for many years. And we don’t mind. We are happy to have you join us. But people are complaining. They recognize you from past years, and they know you are Jews. The new laws . . . you understand.”

Camillo stared at the couple for a moment, disbelieving. Eva straightened, pulling away from him as he rose, clearly needing to face this unexpected assault on his feet.

“We will refund your money, of course,” the woman added hastily. She extended an envelope to Camillo. He took it, opened it slowly, and looked at the lire inside. Eva could see his humiliation, and her own face grew hot with outrage. She reached out and took her father’s hand. He stiffened briefly, then squeezed her fingers.

“I see,” Camillo said slowly, calmly. “When exactly would you like us to go?”

“As soon as possible. You understand. We don’t want to lose more business or get in trouble with the carabinieri.” The man shrugged like it couldn’t be helped. “Eh, what else can we do?”

“We will leave in the morning, then,” Camillo said stiffly.

The old woman looked at her husband and her husband looked back at Camillo. “It would be better if you left tonight, Signore.”

The silence on the veranda felt like standing in front of a blazing furnace.

“It is a full day’s trip back to Florence, and we have people in our party who are getting on in years,” Camillo said softly but firmly. “We were just about to sit down to a late lunch and we will need to gather our things. We will leave in the morning.”

The woman reached out and yanked the envelope from his hands.

“Then we will need this to cover our losses,” she snapped. “And don’t blame us if the carabinieri show up and throw you out. They won’t be as nice as we have been.”

The old man looked at his wife, his face reflecting the shock that Eva felt. The woman had grown hostile with very little provocation.

“I’m sure tomorrow will be fine,” the old man said, backing off the veranda, his hat in his hands. “Come now, Guida,” he commanded his wife. His wife turned away, but she didn’t return the envelope.

When Angelo finally showed up and heard the news from his sobbing grandmother, he left the house again, slamming the front door with wall-trembling force. He’d stormed off to the manager’s cottage only to come back a half hour later looking shaken and sick. No one asked him how the conversation had gone.

He was as silent as the rest of them as they dined on Fabia’s fried sardines, green salad, and tomatoes. From the frozen expressions and weary eyes all around the table, one would think the crucifixion was at hand and not simply the last supper. Eva didn’t think anyone would appreciate her attempt at levity, and kept her Catholic wordplay to herself.

They packed their things in an embarrassed stupor and retired early, none of them wanting to talk about the aborted holiday. The next morning, they left the house as clean and tidy as they’d found it, and climbed into the hired cars that would take them and their luggage to the train station in Grosseto.

Eva didn’t want to look back, but as they pulled away, she found herself turning in her seat to see the house disappear around the bend. They wouldn’t be coming back to Maremma Beach. There would be no more white-sand vacations and fresh fish from the market in Grosseto. There would be no more stolen kisses. Of that she was almost as certain. Those things were only memories now, and the memories had been tainted.

15 August, 1939

Confession: I am afraid of rejection.

A rejected infant will often die, even if its basic needs are met. A rejected child will spend his whole life trying to please everyone else, and never please himself. A rejected woman will often cheat, just to feel desirable. A rejected man will rarely try again, no matter how lonely he is. A rejected people will convince themselves they deserve it, if only to make sense of a senseless world.

   
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