This is why, I told myself. This is why it will never work. You’re always going to throw the past in his face, and he’s always going to play the martyr, make you feel like a bitch for holding a grudge.
I didn’t see any way out. And the only thing that could make this worse was a plus sign on that test.
#
By the time we pulled into the parking garage next to Nick’s apartment building, my ire had mellowed. His must have too, because when he asked what floor I’d parked on, his voice was much softer than it had been the last time he’d spoken.
“Fourth floor.” I directed him to where my Volkswagon was parked, and after pulling up behind it, he turned off the engine and put his hand on my leg.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that…about the test. You can take it alone if you want. Just let me know what it says.” He opened the driver’s side door, but I stopped him.
“Wait. I’m sorry too. I know this affects you almost as much as it affects me, and I know you have strong feelings about family.”
“And about you.” He met my eyes. “I love you. And I want you. But I don’t want to live this way— being called a liar and an asshole for the rest of my life because of something stupid I did when I was twenty- two. I don’t want every argument we ever have to circle back to it. I’m not that guy anymore, Coco. I’m not perfect, but given the chance, I know I could make you happy. Tell me what to do to get that chance.”
“I wish I could, Nick. The truth is, I just don’t know.” I felt like crying again but managed to gulp it back. He nodded sadly and got out of the car.
After unloading my things from his trunk, I placed them in my back seat and turned to say goodbye. Nick stood a few feet from me. It felt like a few miles.
“I have to go to L.A. tomorrow. Back Wednesday. Just call me when…you know anything,” he said.
“I will.”
“And take care of yourself.”
“I will.” The tone of sad finality in his voice squeezed my heart.
Taking two steps forward, he kissed me on the cheek. “Thanks for staying the weekend with me. Let me know the details for the party next Saturday. I’ll be there.” Then he walked around the front of the Mercury, looking more morose than I’d ever seen him.
No—there was one other time I’d seen him that miserable, the night I’d broken things off because I thought he’d slept with another girl. The night he’d lied. The night he thought he lost me.
I’d believed that was goodbye forever.
Maybe it should have been.
“What’s it doing?” I sat on the edge of the tub in Mia and Lucas’s bathroom, my hands twisting together in my lap.
Please be positive.
“Nothing yet.” Mia and Erin stood at the vanity, both of them staring intently at the stick, like those people who can make objects move just by looking at them.
Please be negative.
“OK. Tell me when you see anything.”
Please be positive.
“It’s only been like thirty seconds—wait Something happening!” Erin grabbed Mia’s arms, and Mia grabbed Erin’s back. They looked like a 6th grade couple at a middle school dance.
Please be negative.
“Oh, God, you guys. I’m a wreck. What is it?” Getting to my feet, I paced back and forth in front of the tub, terrified of either result.
“Hold on…” Mia’s voice—was it hopeful or wary? I knew she wanted it to be negative.
And what if it was? Would I be relieved or disappointed? Why did I feel like I’d cry either way?
“OK, it’s done.” Erin and Mia looked at each other and turned to me.
“Holy shit.” I felt woozy. I breathed in and out, touched my fingers to my temples. “OK, tell me. Am I pregnant?”
“No,” Mia said. “You’re not.”
“Not according to this test,” Erin added. “But you should probably take the second one in the box tomorrow to be even surer.”
Exhaling, I closed my eyes and let my hands drop to my stomach. Not pregnant. Erin was right, and I would take the test tomorrow, but somehow I knew what Mia said was true. “I’m not pregnant.” The word pregnant caught in my throat, and I struggled to choke back tears. They spilled over anyway. “I’m not pregnant,” I sobbed.
“Oh, honey.” Mia took me in her arms, and Erin wrapped us both in hers. “Are you sad or just relieved?”
“I don’t know,” I admitted as they released me. “Both, I guess.”
“Come on in here. Erin, grab the tissues.” Mia led me into her bedroom, spacious but cozy with its chocolate brown walls and king-sized bed mounded with colorful pillows. Photographs of Paris hung over the bed, and on her nightstand, Mia had a framed picture of Lucas and herself on the top of Notre Dame Cathedral. She sat on the foot of the bed, pulling me down beside her. “Speak.”
“She’s not a dog, Mia.” Erin handed me the box of tissues and sat on my other side. “And let her catch her breath first.”
“Sorry.” Mia put her arm around me and squeezed. “I just hate seeing you this way. And I think talking will help. No more hiding things—I still can’t believe you managed to keep your marriage and divorce secret to yourself.”
I’d confessed the full truth to Erin and caught both of them up to speed before taking the test. “I know. I should have told you, but I made up my mind in Paris to forget he even existed.” I plucked a tissue from the box and blew my nose. “Worked out really well for me, don’t you think?”