“Jesus, don’t do this. Don’t go.” He came up behind me and put his hands on my shoulders. “Having a long-distance relationship is hard enough. I didn’t want to add to the stress of it. That’s all.”
“Ha! You did all this for my benefit. Right.” Whirling around, I glared at him, shocked that this was the same man who said such sweet and sexy things to me every night. What else was he hiding?
“I did, Mia. Her presence here isn’t harming you.”
I sniffed. “I beg to differ.”
“Look, she’s not a threat to you. And I’ve never believed that a couple needs to tell each other everything. Total transparency is not healthy in a relationship.”
“Don’t start with the psych professor stuff. I’ve never asked for total transparency. I’ve never asked for anything!” I brought a hand to my chest. “Do you know how hard this has been for me, falling for you this way and not being able to plan on a future together?”
“Are we back to this again? I thought we agreed to take things as they come.”
“We did, Lucas. But that was almost a year ago! How much longer are we going to have to be satisfied with occasional weekend visits? When do we get to talk about having something more?”
“Like what?”
I threw my hands in the air, the words I’d planned to say stuck in my throat. None of them seemed right. This was not at all how I’d imagined this conversation, full of accusations and anger. “I don’t know, Lucas. Just…more.”
Now it was his turn to cross his arms. “I told you when we met how I feel about marriage.”
“Yes, but—” My face burned. “I thought maybe you would change your mind about that. You said in Paris that anything was possible.”
“Anything is possible down the road, but I like how things are for now.”
“And what if I don’t?”
He paused. “What’s that mean?”
It means I want to be with you every day, ass**le! It means I want to talk about a life together in the same place! Why don’t you love me like I love you?
But I couldn’t go there. Not with Jessica in the apartment, not when we were so worked up, not when I had a feeling I knew what the answer would be. Anger was much safer to indulge than hurt right now. I glanced toward the bedroom, where I imagined Jessica with her ear glued to the door. God, how had I made such a horrible mistake about him? About us?
I swallowed hard, pushing back against the sobs fighting for release. “You…you said you wanted to make me happy every day.”
“I do.”
“Well, I’m not happy going on like this, Lucas. Seeing you so infrequently. Trying to love you when we’re so far apart all the time.”
“You knew what this would be when you got into it, Mia. I’ve never misled you.”
A rush of strength came from somewhere inside me. “No. You haven’t. I misled myself, thinking that I could handle this kind of relationship. Knowing how I felt about you. I want more, Lucas. I deserve more. I love you, but I can’t be with you if there isn’t a future for us—the kind of future I want.”
He brought both hands to his head and groaned in frustration. “Why is it only about what you want? Why can’t we compromise?”
“What we’ve been doing isn’t exactly a compromise, Lucas. It’s what you want—some kind of long-distance f**k-friends relationship. I can’t do it anymore!” And I couldn’t be in this apartment anymore. Its walls, already tight, were closing in on me. The smell of the ancient heating system and the Little Mermaid’s cloying perfume were choking me. “Just let me go, Lucas. I need to think.”
He shook his head, eyes wide. “What is this? Are you ending things?”
I couldn’t look at him or I’d break down, so I stared at the bottle of wine he had set on the table. It was a Rhone Valley red, the kind we always drank together. “I don’t know. I just have to get out of here.”
“Let me come with you. We can get a hotel.” His voice had softened, but I wasn’t having it.
“No.”
A pause. “This is what you want?”
No, it’s not what I want, you dumbass! I turned my back to him. “You could have told me she was here. You should have told me.” I had to get out of there before I broke down, but as soon as I pulled the door open, Lucas was right behind me, pushing it closed.
“No. I’m not letting you walk out.”
God, I could feel his breath by my ear, and it sent a shiver down my back. I still wanted him so badly, despite all this. “Please,” I begged, without turning around. My throat was already closing up.
“Mia, you came all the way here. You got on a plane for me and you hate to fly. When did you buy the ticket?” His voice was soft and quiet.
I swallowed. “Yesterday.”
If he apologized, if he said he wanted more too, even if he just said he still loved me…
The bedroom door opened and I heard the sound of high heels on the wood floor. “Luc? You should probably get in the shower. Our reservations are at eight, remember? Oh, I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
Lucas backed away from me, and my fists clenched. Luc? I turned around to see Jessica standing there in a flirty black dress, black tights, and high heeled booties. Her red hair with its caramel highlights hung perfectly straight over her shoulders. It had the kind of sheen that a girl with coarse, wavy locks like mine can never achieve, no matter how much time we spend with a blow dryer or how much money we shell out for products.