When my shift was finally over, and the snake was returned to its cage, I felt like I needed a shower even more than usual.
I caught the late bus just in time. Once seated, the very first thing I did was check the Landon’s Lunch Box app, even though I knew the truck was out of service for the night. It would still show the last location of the day. Tonight it was the Venice Beach Boardwalk.
Closing my eyes, I imagined I was there, smelling the savory food and listening to the sounds of the ocean as the sun beat down on me.
Each day, you could also check the menu. Landon really seemed to try to change it up. He’d create funky sandwiches with unlikely ingredients and name them things like Cuban Reuben. A new addition today caught my eye and caused me to gasp.
Rana’s Feta Sandwich.
ASS SELFIE
A few nights later, Landon caught me just as I had gotten home from work.
“I don’t have long to talk,” he said before I could hear his lighter flick. “Tell me something funny, Rana.”
“I got a raise at work.”
He blew into the phone. “That’s funny?”
“It is when the condition is that you dance with a gigantic snake around your neck.”
“Are you fucking serious?”
“Dead serious.”
“Damn, girl. I knew you were a trouper, but this just takes it to an entirely different level.”
“Well, you might not be so impressed when it wraps itself around my neck and suffocates me someday.”
His deep laughter was like a massage to my eardrums. “Between the snake and that psychopath, Lenny, you’re doomed.”
“God, that’s so true.” I lay down and kicked up my feet. “How was Santa Monica today?”
“Oh, what’s this now? Were you stalking my app, Saloomi? That’s the only way you’d know where I was.”
“Maybe. I like to live vicariously through you, California boy. I like to close my eyes and pretend I’m there, listening to the ocean and basking in the sun.”
“It’s not really all it’s cracked up to be out here. Sometimes, I think you have this false impression that the sunshine somehow equals happiness. The sun always goes down, Rana. It can’t mask everything.”
I couldn’t help but want to know what he was really referring to there, although asking him to open up to me any more than he already had would warrant my having to do the same.
He continued, “Don’t get me wrong. It beats the hell out of Michigan.”
“I bet.”
“Well, I wish I could talk to you longer, but I’m supposed to be meeting someone.”
My heart sank. I wasn’t ready to let him go. I hated that I’d looked forward to talking to him all day more than anything.
“Oh…okay.” Curiosity got the best of me. “A female someone?”
“Yeah.”
My breath caught. “What’s her name?”
“Sage.”
Valeria, Melanie…Sage. Another one to add to the list.
“Sage. Interesting. Are you going to take her home to cleanse your apartment of evil spirits? Isn’t that what they use sage for?”
“Not sure, but I’m pretty sure if you ever came over, all the spirits would come out to dance instead.”
“You’re probably right. I’d have the opposite effect of sage.”
“You and your snake.” He snickered. “Holy crap, that’s funny. I’m not going to be able to stop thinking about that shit tonight.”
“Don’t remind me. I still have to wash the slime off my neck.” I sighed. “Well…anyway, have fun.”
“I’ll try.”
I was literally pouting. “Tell Sage I said ‘hello.’”
After we hung up, I suddenly felt very alone. A surge of enormous jealousy shot through me.
In the shower, my thoughts were racing. I wanted to be the one going out with Landon tonight. I wished so badly that I could touch him, smell him, kiss him. I yearned to actually feel the vibration of his laughter against my skin.
You can’t have it all, Rana. You can’t hide yourself from him and want him for yourself.
It’s inevitable. You’re going to lose him.
That thought made me incredibly sad.
I was starting to realize that I had really been in denial. I was head over heels for this man, the way he made me laugh, the way he appreciated my oddities, the way he really seemed to know my soul, even if I’d done everything to hide what’s on the outside. Thoughts of him had invaded my every waking moment from the very first night I’d called him—and honestly, long before that.
As scared as I was to remove the barrier between us, I ached for more.
After lying down in silence for a while, I ventured over to my closet and opened one of the old notes.
Rana Banana,
Why do you always look away when you catch me staring at you? Sometimes, I’m trying to send you telepathic messages and you totally ruin it.
Landon
P.S. You haven’t started barking like a dog, so I’m guessing you didn’t get my last command.
That one really made me laugh as I refolded it and put it back in the bag.
For the first time since the night he’d sent it, I allowed myself to look at the selfie of Landon stored in my phone. As rough as his exterior was, his smile was so genuine, comforting. It was directed at me, and I didn’t feel deserving of it. Even his eyes were smiling—his very non-crazy eyes. Tonight that smile was reserved for someone else, because I’d chosen not to accept what he’d given me.
I ran my finger along the image. He had put himself out there, and I hadn’t been willing to give him an iota back, all because I was afraid of what I would have to admit to him. I assumed he would judge me, but in reality, no one could ever judge me the way I judged myself.
I couldn’t give him everything. But I wanted to give him something. It would have to be baby steps.
My heart was pounding through my chest, and I was shaking, because I knew what I was about to do.
Positioning my body on a chair, I straddled it with my back facing the oval mirror. My black hair was cascading down my shirtless back in waves. It fell all the way to my ass.
I took several photos of my back until I was completely satisfied with one of them. I was careful to make sure that you couldn’t see my face at all.
What I settled on was an incredibly sexy, provocative shot. The boy shorts I was wearing left nothing to the imagination. You could see the shape of my ass very clearly along with the arch of my back and my legs. I’d also put on the highest stilettos I owned. If I was really going to take this step, I was going to do it right.
Shutting my eyes tightly, I braced myself before hitting send.
After I pressed the button, a rush of blood travelled to my head. A plethora of paranoid thoughts were floating around in my mind.
He was on a date. What if he showed it to her, and they both laughed at me?
What if he thought I looked like a slut?
What if he hated it?
A couple of torturous minutes passed before my phone chimed, interrupting the chain of internal questions.
I took a deep breath and checked it.
Landon: Why did you just send me a picture of Kim Kardashian? I mean it’s sexy as all hell, but random.
Oh, my God. What?
Did he think it was a joke?
Does he not realize it’s me?
My fingers hovered over the keypad before I finally typed.
Rana: That’s not Kim Kardashian. It’s me.
There was no response for several minutes. I felt like digging a hole in the ground and burying myself. Why did I send him that? Why did I let my jealous ego override sensibility?
Sitting on my bed with my head in my hands and my knees to my chest, I cursed at myself.
When my phone started to ring, I pondered whether I should pick up. I opted to let it go to voicemail.
When it started ringing a second time, I took a deep breath and answered, “Hi.”
“Rana, you have got to be shitting me.”
I played dumb. “What?”
“You’re supposed to look like a boy with a unibrow, not like my fucking wet dream. I’d been thinking about you all damn day as it was. Now, I’ll never get you out of my mind. This is sort of fucking me up right now.”