Jim stares down in horror at the pen in his hand that he took from me and then suddenly chucks it across the room. He jumps up from his seat and races over to the sink, dumping half the bottle of liquid soap into his hands before scrubbing them furiously.
I roll my eyes at him. “I didn’t stick that pen up my ass, don’t worry. You do know that we carry a very nice line of butt plugs here at Seduction and Snacks, right?”
Gavin lowers his hands from his ears. “Dude, seriously? Are we talking Pinky Pleasure or Butt Tower? Because there is a huge difference between those sizes.”
“Bigger than a Q-Tip and smaller than a bread basket,” I tell him with a smile.
“Huh. You might be on to something,” Carter says, with a thoughtful expression on his face. “What aisle are butt plugs on again?”
Gavin screams, throwing his hands up over his ears.
“Wait a minute, are you asking all of these questions out of general curiosity or are you sleeping with someone?” Jim asks, drying his hands on a paper towel.
Don’t look suspicious, don’t look suspicious.
“Oh, you know, just keeping my options open. Hey, is that Liz? Hi, Liz!” I shout, looking through the glass doors next to Jim and waving at no one.
Jim doesn’t turn around; he just narrows his eyes at me.
“I swear to all that is holy, if I find out this has anything to do with Ava, I will shove my fist up your ass,” he threatens.
“Whoa, slow down there, Jim. I’m only on butt plugs. I’m not quite ready for fisting yet.”
Carter leans closer to Jim. “I’ve got a better idea. How about we just unleash Cougar Claire on him as punishment?”
Jim gives me a sinister look and I feel a bead of sweat run down my back. Having a crush on Claire since college and always shooting perverted innuendos her way did not end well for me a few months ago. It’s one thing to have a Mrs. Robinson fantasy about your best friend’s mom in your spank bank, but it’s something straight out of a f**king horror movie when she decides to act on it.
The sweet nothings she whispered in my ear quickly turned to threats about making me part of the next Human Centipede movie if I didn’t cut that shit out. Now, whenever she walks in the room, I have PTSD flashbacks of that day in her house when she made me clean the kitchen floor on my hands and knees and then had me hand wash her period panties with the garden hose out back to teach me a lesson about flirting with older women.
Lesson learned.
Before Jim can threaten me any more, my phone rings. Reaching into the pocket of my jeans, I pull it out and check the display, swallowing nervously when I see it’s the sperm bank calling me back.
Gavin notices the look on my face and slowly lowers his hands from his ears as I answer the call.
“Uh-huh. Yep. Sure. Okey dokey, thanks.”
Ending the call, I set my phone on the table in front of me and stare at it.
“They found out who my dad is and he wants to meet me tomorrow at noon,” I whisper.
Suddenly, getting fisted by Ava’s dad sounds a whole lot more appealing.
Chapter 9 – Dolphin Rape
“I want this blog to look really professional and, since you handle all of the media and design stuff for the Seduction and Snacks website, I thought you might be able to help me out.”
Sliding my laptop across the table towards Aunt Jenny, I wait nervously as she scrolls through a couple of my posts.
Out of everyone, I figure Aunt Jenny would be the most supportive of my idea. She thinks everything is a good idea, even if she doesn’t understand it most of the time.
“I don’t get it. Is this going to be a p**n site? You’ve got a bunch of pictures of your clothes all over your bed. Is that a Hermès scarf? Oh, please don’t tell me you want to have sex on a Hermès,” Aunt Jenny groans.
Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath and try to explain this to her again. “No, Aunt Jenny, this is not a p**n site. I’m giving people fashion tips and stuff like that.”
Uncle Drew walks into the dining room a few minutes later while Aunt Jenny is still staring in confusion at my webpage.
“Hey, baby, do these jeans make my butt look big?” he asks, turning around and sticking his ass out.
Aunt Jenny looks up and smiles. “No, but they make your penis look stupidest.”
I groan and shake my head at her. “I think you mean stupendous and that’s just gross.”
Uncle Drew walks over to Aunt Jenny and leans down to kiss her cheek before checking out what’s on the computer. “Thanks, babe. Hey, are you looking at p**n without me? Where’s the chick who took all those clothes off?”
I huff and cross my arms in front of me in irritation. “It is NOT a f**king p**n site!”
Uncle Drew ignores me and reaches over Aunt Jenny’s shoulder to click through some of the pictures. “I don’t get it. Why aren’t there any chicks in these photos? Oh, hey, there’s Ava! Wait, are you doing p**n ? Your parents are NOT going to be happy about this.”
Why did I think coming here was a good idea?
“I can definitely add some graphics to your blog and make it look nicer,” Aunt Jenny tells me. “To be honest though, I think p**n might be a better idea. You could totally make a lot of money doing that. I don’t think anyone is going to pay just to look at your clothes and stuff. Ooooh, you should make some videos of you taking your clothes OFF instead of just having pictures of your clothes lying around AFTER you took them off. People would totally pay to see that.”