“No!” Nicole shouted. “I read this in one of my auntie’s journals. You can actually activate the poisons that way.”
“I saw something like this on Predators of the Deep Week,” Chu said. “Bloke got stung by a jellyfish and his whole leg swelled up like a dirigible. They had to cut his leg clean off to save him.”
Charlie moaned in pain.
“Not helpful,” Nicole said.
“Please,” Charlie said, teeth still chattering. “Please help me.”
“What can we do? We have to do something!” Miss Ohio said.
“There is one thing that works,” Nicole said.
“What’s that?” Ahmed asked.
“Urine.”
“Gross,” Miss Ohio said.
George shook his head. “I’m not peeing on Charlie.”
An argument broke out about who would be willing to step forward and do the deed.
“M’ bleedin’ leg’s on fire! I don’t care what you do — just do it!” Charlie screamed, but it was as if everyone had been paralyzed.
“Oh for heaven’s sake,” Petra groused, marching forward. Quickly, she lifted her skirt, dropped her undies, and peed on Charlie’s leg.
“Thank you,” Charlie whispered.
“You’re welcome,” Petra said.
The pirates stood dumbfounded as Petra collected herself and smoothed her skirt back into place. “Take a picture. It’ll last longer,” she said as she walked away.
Captain Sinjin watched her go, openmouthed. Finally, he broke into a huge, face-breaking grin.
“Bodacious!” he said.
CLASSIFIED
ISLAND
20:15 HOURS
Agent Jones dipped the darts in the liquid Mind’s Flower. Since the unfortunate incident with Miss Texas he’d had to replace his stock. It made him feel safe to have them. And considering how screw-the-pooch things were going on the island, he needed something to make him feel safe.
Harris breezed past in a Knicks jersey, a ridiculous sweatband across his head. “Looking a little rough today, Jonesy,” Harris said.
Agent Jones did not look up. “Did you fix the manual override system?”
Harris put up his hands in a back-off gesture. “Going to. Got a pickup game with some of the black shirts in a few.” Harris faked a jump shot. “Nothing but net.”
“Don’t do that, Harris. It’s cliché.”
“What crawled up your ass today?”
“Pirates,” Agent Jones answered.
Harris nodded. “Whatever floats your boat. Ha! I made a pun. Get it? Boat? Pirates?”
Agent Jones closed his eyes for a second and tried to cast his mind back to a more pleasant time, when he had helped stage a brutal coup in a small South American republic. Bullets flying. Grenades exploding. Pandemonium and blood and screaming in the streets. And no Harris.
“Don’t you have something to do?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I might. You don’t think I can handle this, do you?”
Agent Jones did not answer.
“Well, you are going to be surprised. I can handle myself just fine. I already did handle myself. Wait, that came out wrong.”
Agent Jones packed away the fourth dart. One more to go.
“Don’t you want to know what I did?”
“No.”
“Just a little.”
“No.”
“I’ll bet you can’t guess —”
“No.”
Harris was quiet for a full fifteen seconds.
“Fine, I’ll tell you. Remember Benny from product development? The one who came up with our Lady ’Stache Off bomb? I killed him.”
“Did you find out his contact first?”
Harris’s shoulders sagged like a flotation device losing air. “I killed him. Me. I did it.”
“Without finding out his contact first.”
“See, the way you say it, all negative like that, makes it sound like I messed up.”
“You did mess up.”
“No. I was proactive. The suits love it when you are proactive.”
“The agency loves it when you are effective.”
Harris’s mouth tightened, sphincterlike. “You’re a bummer, Jonesy. I’m gonna shoot some hoops.”
“You do that,” Agent Jones muttered. By the time he finished his darts, he’d made a decision: He wasn’t telling the Boss about the pirates.
The elevator carried him down to the fifth floor. The fifth floor housed the weapons and detention cells.
It was time to get some information out of Tane Ngata.
39Jessica Everett, Americas tabloid sweetheart, beloved for her great legs and even greater hair. Star of the romantic comedies Man Hunt, Wedding Day, Wedding Day 2: I Thought I Loved You But You’re a Jackass, Wedding Day 3: Third Time’s the Charm, My Best Friend’s Boyfriend, Let’s Get Married!, Bridal Shower, and Dinner for Two. Rent them all today!
40Now YOU can be part of the Captains Bodacious cruise experience! Lip-synch to your favorite Bodacious tunes! Take Pirate Pilates for those seaworthy abs! Walk the plank into a pool of Jell-O! Meet up with hot wenches! And take our pirate-speak classes so you, too, can be a genuine fake pirate. Get your parents’ permission and sign up today!
41Pharma, the psychedelic jam band popular among suburban faux-hippie kids who follow the band from festival to festival, usually while under the influence of mind-altering substances. Are you a member of the Pharma Army? Join our Phan Club today! Get updates on your mobile! Buy apps! Make a fan page!
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
Rum is made from sugarcane and aged in barrels. There are various forms of rum — dark, golden, white, spiced, aged, flavored — but they all share one distinctive quality: They will get you drunk. And if you’ve spent quite a bit of time on a deserted island eating coconut and grubs, rum will get you drunk rather quickly and thoroughly.42
“Fifteen men on the dead man’s chest. Yo, ho, ho, and a bottle of freaking awesome!” Adina said in a loud voice. She slurred a bit so that awesome came out more like aweshumme. “I changed my mind. I don’t want to be an inveshtigative journalist anymore. I want to be a professional rum drinker.”
“There are people who do that,” Duff said. He’d barely sipped his rum.
“Really? What do you call them?”
“Alcoholics.”
“Good to know. Three little maids from school are we…” sang Adina. “My dads took me to see The Pirates of Penzance last year in New York. That song goes very fast. It’s a pit … a potter … pas …”
“Patter song?”
“That.” Adina took another swig.
“Speaking of fast, you might want to slow down on that grog a bit, matey.”
Duff went for the bottle, but Adina yanked it away, spilling some in the process. “That is an example of a man being paternalishtic with a woman.”
Duff shrugged. “Or it could be an example of a friend who really doesn’t want to clean puke from your hair later.”
“You would clean puke from my hair?”
“Well, it wouldn’t be my preferred activity, but I would.”
“Awww. That … is so romantic. Still. My body, my bottle.”
“Whatever you say, captain.”
The bottle was passed to Shanti, who shook her head. “I’m total straightedge.”
She passed it on to Nicole, who took a whiff and made a face. “Yikes. I’m pretty sure I could clean a wound with that.” She shoved the bottle at Captain Sinjin, who dabbed some behind his ears like aftershave and then threaded a stale block of marshmallow onto a stick for Petra.
The captain had been watching Petra all night, Nicole noticed. “I need to get something from my hut. Shanti, will you come with me?” She flicked a glance in Petra and Sinjin’s direction.
“Sure,” Shanti said, picking up on the inference. “Party’s moving to our hut, everybody.”
“Captain?” Duff asked.
Sinjin glanced furtively at Petra. “Nah. Catch you blokes later.”
Sinjin and Petra were alone.
“So.”
“So.”
“Nice night.”
“Mmm-hmm.”
“Just so we’re clear, you’ve got a, um, a … a …”
“Yeah.”
“Cool. Just, y’know, making sure.”
Petra looked up to the moon as if appealing to its grace. She liked this one and wanted more, but she was afraid there was no hope of that.
“Sorry, I just … So you used to be a guy. J. T. Woodland. Of Boyz Will B Boyz.”
“Yes.” “Right.”
“It’s okay. I can tell you’re freaked out.”
Petra started to get up. Sinjin took her wrist gently. “Well, yeah. But mostly because you used to be in Boyz Will B Boyz. That’s unbelievable! I mean, you played Top of the Pops!”
Petra allowed a small smile. He had surprised her. That didn’t happen often. She sat down again. “Should I tell you the story?”
“Yeah.”
“How much should I tell you?”
“Everything.”
She did, and when she finished Sinjin nodded, taking it all in. “Blimey. Your manager sounds like a right bastard.”
“Now it’s your turn,” Petra said. “What about you?”
“Me?” Sinjin thought for a moment. He wasn’t good with disclosure. And he had nothing to compare to Petra’s tale. What if she thought he was shallow or boring? Unworthy? He wasn’t used to being taken off guard, but Petra made him feel both comfortable and nervous at the same time, as if he knew he was safe from the elimination round but he wanted to do his best and impress anyway. More than anyone he had ever met, he wanted her to like him. Because he really, really liked her.
“I grew up in an orphanage in London. Horrible place.”
“Really?”