“Oh my God, microfiber mascara!” Miss Ohio clutched the tube to her chest.
Shanti smiled. “Body glitter!”
“Coral Frost All-Day lip quench,” Miss Montana said. She didn’t seem as excited. But Taylor had moved on.
“Miss Colorado and Miss Alabama, what do you have for us?”
Nicole held up a thin, hollowed-out tube of bamboo. “This is the makeup splat gun. You pour a small amount of foundation in the end like so,” she said, letting Brittani demonstrate. “And then …” Nicole blew hard into the tube and the makeup splattered the ground. “It’s hypoallergenic and noncomedogenic, but you still wouldn’t want it in your eyes.”
“Excellent work, ladies. Goodies?”
Nicole took her swag. “Cocoa butter! Thank you, universe!”
Brittani rooted around, eyes closed, mouth moving as if making a wish. She pulled out a small plastic bottle of bubble bath.
Taylor made her way down the line, inspecting each girl’s work. The girls had worked in teams, and they beamed with pride at their inventive defense systems.
“Miss Michigan?” Taylor asked.
“Well, I melted down some of our jewelry and made arrows,” Jennifer said, holding up the thin, homemade metal shafts.
Petra admired one. “Wow. That’s cool. How’d you know how to do that?”
“I took a smelting class at the Y one time. Well, it was between that and water aerobics with my grandmother, so I took the smelting class. It took me a few tries but I think these turned out pretty well. And Ohio gave us some of that tree sap nail polish to stick them to the wood. What up, O-hi-o!”
Miss Ohio did a little dance.
“Very nice,” Taylor said. “Do we have bows?”
Jennifer nodded to Sosie, who held up a curved bow of tree limb strung with seaweed. “We steamed the wood. The first one burned to a crisp. So did the second one. The third one fell in the fire. The fourth one sucked ass. The fifth one I wouldn’t wish on my math teacher, Mr. Buttons, and he is a total chancroid. This is the sixth one.” Sosie held it high overhead like an ancient warrior. “Just like Green Lantern!”
Jennifer put a hand over her heart. “They grow up so quickly.”
“Claim your prizes, Miss Michigan, Miss Illinois.” Taylor offered the makeup bag.
“Sparkle-blue nail polish!” Sosie danced around with the bottle. “Oh yeah! Uh-huh!”
“Butterfly barrettes,” Jennifer said.
“I’ll trade you!” Miss Montana offered the lipstick.
Jennifer clutched the barrettes to her chest. “No way. I love butterflies.”
“Damn,” Miss Montana said.
“Okay, last but not least, Miss New Hampshire, Miss Rhode Island, and Miss Nebraska. You’re up.”
Taylor peeled a banana and waited for their demonstration.
“We’ve got ground defense,” Adina said. “If some big animal runs through here and catches a paw, it’ll be hoisted up into the air in a big hammock.”
“But it will not be harmed,” Mary Lou assured everyone. “It’s a humane containment system.”
“We’ve also dug a pit over here — watch your step!” Petra cautioned. She removed a covering of leaves. Below was a pit about eight feet deep. “Anything running after us can crash right through here and kaboom!”
“It was a lot of digging. But check out my arms!” Mary Lou’s bicep curved with new muscle.
“We should totally make that into a workout video when we get back,” Shanti said.
“Good idea, Miss California,” Taylor agreed. “Goodies.”
The girls stepped up to claim their prizes.
“Blotting sheets,” Petra said.
“Hand lotion!” Mary Lou squealed.
“Miss New Hampshire?” Taylor offered the bag again.
Adina reached in. “Oh, look! It’s a boat with a GPS set for home — awesome!”
“Trade you,” Miss Montana said.
“I was kidding about the boat. It’s bronzer.”
“Ooh!” the girls squealed at once.
“You got the best one,” Miss Ohio lamented.
“Here. Merry Christmas. I come from sallow people. I accept my fate.” Adina handed the bronzer to Miss Montana, who singsonged “Awesome!” and promised to share with her teammates as long as they didn’t all use the brush and get it bacterified, which would give them pimples.
“Teen Dreamers, I am very proud of us. You’ve given us the Department of Teen Dreamland Security. Personally, I know I will sleep better tonight knowing this is here. If anything tries to mess with us, we will show it that Miss Teen Dreamers mean business.”
“What’s your weapon?” Adina pressed.
Taylor cocked her head as if she had just asked the stupidest question in the world. “I am my own weapon, Miss New Hampshire.”
“Ready!” Petra shouted.
The girls stopped what they were doing and went to help Petra with the banner she’d been sewing for many days. “All right, Miss Teen Dreamers. Let’s get that banner a-wavin’ proud like the red, white, and blue!” Shanti balanced on Jennifer’s shoulders, and Adina sat on Nicole’s. They tied the corners to the limbs of two scraggly trees.
“How does it look?” Shanti called down.
Petra’s needlework was evident in the carefully crafted letters: IT’S MISS TEEN DREAM, BITCHES!
Petra stepped back to examine it. She smiled. “Perfect.”
COMMERCIAL BREAK
VOICEOVER
This Tuesday, on PATRIOT DAUGHTERS!
(A group of British soldiers bursts into the home of BETSY ROSS, surrounding her and her reading circle of comely young women.)
VO, CONT’D.
Has time finally run out for Betsy and her revolutionary band of sisters?
BRITISH COMMANDER
Miss Ross, we are to arrest you for treason. You give these rebels a symbol through your sewing, I hear. What say you to these charges?
(Betsy sheds her dressing gown. Underneath, she wears stockings and a skimpy undershirt. The other women follow suit.)
BETSY ROSS
How could I make a flag, sir, when I seem to have run out of thread?
VO, CONT’D.
She gave it all for her country — and then she gave just a little more.
Watch the show critics say “makes American history totally hot… . It takes some of the most important women of the Revolutionary War and turns them into hellcats who fight the British with everything they’ve got — and then some.”
Followed by the season premiere of CAPTAINS BODACIOUS IV: BADDER AND MORE BODACIOUSER.
(Several hunky, shirtless young men in breeches, earrings, and very little else stand on a large ship. There seems to be a feeling of mutiny in the air.)
PIRATE CHU
Cor blimey, Cap’n Sinjin! We ran away from prep school for this?
CAPTAIN SINJIN
Might I remind you that we witnessed a murder and were forced to go on the run? Believe me, I’d rather be studying for my chem final than running from barmy terrorist blokes who want to kill us just because we know too much.
PIRATE AHMED
Captain! Starboard — look!
(Captain Sinjin puts a small telescope to his eye. When he pulls it away, his expression is one of teen heartthrob alarm. His hair is still perfect.)
CAPTAIN SINJIN
Gentlemen, we may get a battle yet.
FIRST MATE GEORGE
Should we oil our pecs, sir, so that we’ll look fantastic during the fight scenes?
CAPTAIN SINJIN
Indeed. Gentlemen! Glisten up those pecs! And if you’ve got any hair gel for making tousled waves, now’s the time to use it! We stand and fight. But we stand and fight with hotness on our side.
VOICEOVER
PATRIOT DAUGHTERS. Tuesdays at 8. CAPTAINS BODACIOUS IV: BADDER AND MORE BODACIOUSER at 9. Followed by a special encore performance of CAPTAINS BODACIOUS III: THE CALL OF BOOTY at 10. Only on The Corporation Network: Giving you what you don’t even know you want.
MISS TEEN DREAM FUN FACTS PAGE!
Please fill in the following information and return to Jessie Jane, Miss Teen Dream Pageant administrative assistant, before Monday. Remember, this is a chance for the judges and the audience to get to know YOU. So make it interesting and fun, but please be appropriate. And don’t forget to mention something you love about our sponsor, The Corporation!
Name: Sosie Simmons
State: Miss Illinois
Age:16
Height: 5’ 6”
Weight: 118 lbs
Hair: Strawberry blond
Eyes: Green
Best Feature: My hands
Fun Facts About Me:
I am hearing impaired but that doesn’t stop me! I hear with my heart. Well, not really. Because, as anybody who is not a complete and total moron knows, the heart does not have ears. This is the kind of s**t they make disabled people say all the time so everybody’s all “okay” with us. Soooo annoying.
I perform with the non-hearing dance troupe Helen Keller-bration! And by “non-hearing” I mean deaf. Again, people, get over yourselves.
My dream is to have my own dance troupe and work with kids. For real.
Once, I saved my family from an earthquake because I could sense the seismic activity.
My favorite Corporation TV show is the makeover show, Pimp My Face (Ugly Stepsister). I love to watch the girls get all new faces and clothes. I love that part after all the bruising and swelling and stitches and pain when they see themselves in the mirror for the first time and they just cry and cry. It’s really sweet.
The thing that scares me most is being left out.
The thing I want most is a best friend.
21Design This!, a popular interior design show in which maligned teen contestants get to overhaul the bedroom of the person they hate most using only what they can find in the house. On hiatus after one contestant decorated her rival’s room in cat poo.
22Fluffy Soft™ Laundry Puppy: The laundry detergent mascot that became a plush toy and multimillion-dollar product line. “Your friend in the laundry room. Cuddle up to new Fluffy Soft(tm) and see just how soft life can be!”