“Katie … where’s Katie?”
Tears start to pool and shimmer in her eyes as she grabs ahold of my hand again. I notice her eyes shift to the door and then back to me.
“Vandal … honey …” Her voice cracks, and she covers her mouth with her hand, struggling to compose herself. Aria is a woman that reeks of elegance and class. A famed romance author, she is never at a loss for words and always knows the right thing to say at the right time. I secretly admire her, and envy her sons for having such an amazing woman for a mother. Unlike the crack-whore who spat me out.
“Aria, where the fuck is my daughter?” The fear building in me is so intense that I can actually hear it. It’s a roar in my ears and in my brain, attempting to drown my own thoughts out of my head. “Where the fuck is she?” I scream at her.
She shakes her head, tears falling down her cheeks. “She didn’t make it,” she whispers.
No.
No. No. No.
“You tell me where my daughter is.” My voice comes out in a raspy, nasty whisper. My chest is heaving in and out uncontrollably, yet I feel as if I can’t breathe.
Lukas comes back into the room with a doctor and a nurse following him. I reach for my younger brother and grab his arm hard. “Lukas, where’s Katie? She’s in the waiting room, right? Out there? Can you bring her in here?”
The doctor steps forward. “Mr. Valentine, I’m so sorry—”
I interrupt him before he can finish. “I’m talking to my fucking brother.” I turn back to Lukas, and he’s slowly shaking his head. His hair falls into his face, but not before I see that he’s crying.
“Please, just bring her to me, Lukas … she’s gotta be scared … she’s okay, right?” My head is spinning and I grip the sheets, trying to ground myself. She can’t be gone. This is just like that time she wandered off at the mall and was lost for ten minutes. I felt this same exact fear then, but she came back. She’ll come back again.
“Vandal, she’s gone.”
“Shut the fuck up, Lukas!” I turn to the doctor, my pulse racing. The machines I’m hooked up to start beeping and flashing like a 1980s arcade game. “Just bring me my fucking daughter, please.”
“Mr. Valentine, you had a collision with another car. Your daughter, female passenger, and the driver of the other car didn’t make it. There was another passenger who sustained a few injuries, but we expect her to make a full recovery. I’m very sorry for your loss. We did everything we could, but unfortunately, the injuries were too severe. You’ve suffered a head injury and several cracked ribs, as well as many bruises and lacerations. I know this is tragic news, but it’s important that you remain calm for your own well-being.”
“Fuck you!” I lurch up in the bed and a stabbing pain knifes through my ribs and across my skull. “All of you. Get away from me. Deb put you up to this, right? To take Katie away from me? I’ll kill that fucking bitch!”
Lukas puts his hand on my shoulder. “No, Van, you gotta rest, okay? I’m gonna stay right here. I won’t leave you.”
I shove his hand off me. “Fuck off. All of you, just fuck off!” Sitting up, I swing my legs over the edge of the bed, but a wave of dizziness and nausea comes over me. I grab onto the edge of the bed as the doctor and nurse rush over to grab my arms, pushing my brother aside.
“Mr. Valentine, we’re going to give you a sedative to help you be calm.” Before I realize what’s happening, the nurse is injecting the medication into my IV drip. Within seconds, my head starts to swim, and I feel even more nauseous. Katie … she can’t be gone. Not my baby girl. My only light. They must be wrong. There is no way that she could be dead.
“We’ll have the toxicology report in a few hours.” The doctor’s voice sounds fuzzy and far away.
“Thank you, Doctor,” Aria replies. “We appreciate your discretion, and for your help with the privacy. My husband will be here soon to help with the arrangements.”
“Wait,” Lukas says. “What toxicology report? He’s totally clean.”
“It’s standard procedure in cases like this. It’s part of the accident investigation,” the doctor advises.
My head aches even more as I try to think back to the previous night. I remember being tired, trying to stay awake as I was driving. I remember watching Katie in the mirror. And then nothing. It’s blank. Holy fuck. I think I fell asleep while I was driving. I killed my baby. And Renee. Fuck. Fuck.
My chest heaves uncontrollably. “Lukas … I think I fell asleep. Fucking shit. Katie … please tell me this isn’t happening … please, Lukas …” Every muscle in my body trembles, my skin crawling with intense fear.
Lukas and Aria appear above me again, and my aunt talks to me very softly. “Honey, it was an accident. A horrible accident. It’s not your fault. We’re going to get through this together, okay? We’re all going to be here for you. You’re not alone, I promise you. We all know it was an accident.” An accident.
“The other car may have hit you. That road is dark at night; there’s barely any lights. We don’t know what happened. We’ll find out soon,” Lukas adds.
My head throbs. I can’t remember anything about what happened no matter how hard I try. I reach up to touch my head and find bandages there.
“Mr. Valentine, please don’t touch the bandages. It’s important that you try to rest. The sedative will start to work soon. I’ll come back in a little while to check on you. We’ll have to run some more tests.”
Lukas pulls one of the visitor chairs closer to the bed and falls into it. He turns to our aunt, his eyes swollen and red. “Aria, why don’t you go talk to the guys, give them an update and maybe go home and get some rest? I’m going to stay here with him.”
“Are you sure? Maybe I should stay …” Her voice trails off. I can’t listen anymore. I don’t want to hear anything else. I want all words to stop.
My vision blurs and my eyes droop. I blink repeatedly and stare at the ceiling, but all I can see is Katie. This isn’t real. None of this is fuckin’ happening. I let my eyelids fall and allow the drugs to take me under. It’s been a long time since I felt the pull into the numbness that I used to crave so much . I go willingly, as if meeting an old friend.
Vandal
There’s no escape from this nightmare I’m trapped in. Sleep brings no relief. I see her in my dreams, smiling at me, reaching for my hand. I can hear her tiny, sweet voice, her innocent giggle. Then I wake and reality rushes into my veins, washing her away, taking her from me over and over again.
“Maybe you should stay at my place for a few days?” Lukas suggests, watching me cram my shit into the plastic bag the nurse gave me for my things. My clothes are covered in blood, and I can’t help but wonder if it’s mine, Katie’s, or Renee’s. Today I get to leave the hospital, and tomorrow I bury my five-year-old daughter. All I want to do is find a scalpel in this hospital and hide in the bathroom and cut myself.
“No,” I say.
“You can come stay with us,” Storm offers, putting his arm around his fiancée, Evie. I smirk at my cousin. Like I really want to stay with these two disgustingly happy people who can’t keep their hands off each other and smile fucking non-stop. That scalpel is calling my name.
“We’d love to have you stay with us, Vandal. I’ve got homemade chili cooking in the crockpot. Storm said it’s one of your favorites.” Evie smiles up at me, but shrinks back from my cold stare. Blizzard Chick is her nickname. Now I remember. I step closer to her and she sinks into Storm’s side a little.
“I hafta bury my fuckin’ kid tomorrow. You think I want to sit around with you two fucks and eat chili?”
I enjoy watching the smile disappear from her face and the way she looks down at the floor. That’s right, honey, don’t even look at me. I will fucking eat your soul. Storm glares at me, torn between saving his girlfriend from the big bad wolf and letting me expel my rage a little. Someday he’ll learn he can’t love everybody.
Lukas touches my arm. “Vandal, take it easy. We’re all just trying to help.”
I shrug him off. “I don’t want any help. I don’t want anything.”
Except my daughter. And if I can’t have her, I’ll take that scalpel now so I can cut this pain out of my body.
I grab my bag. “Can we go?” Lukas is supposed to drive me home since my new Mustang is now a mangled mess of metal, glass, and death.
“No, we have to wait for the doctor to come back and discharge you, and there’s some other stuff that needs to be taken care of. I told you this already, did you forget?”
I roll my eyes and sit on the bed. I need to get home and get away from everybody. They’re smothering me with all their good intentions and attention, and I have no idea how to accept either from them, thanks to me coming from the fucked up side of this family—meaning the father I haven’t seen since I was five. I only just found out I had a brother and a clan of cousins a little more than five years ago. Needless to say, I am adjusting to the whole family thing a lot slower than they are.
“Get out of my way.” A familiar female voice snarls.
I turn toward the commotion at my door to see Deb pushing her way past Storm into my room. I knew she would show up eventually.
“You,” she says, pointing at me, barely standing up straight. I don’t know if she’s drunk or just mentally distraught. Possibly both. “You killed my daughter,” she chokes out. “You’re a fucking murderer.”
I rise to my feet, grab the IV trolley, and step towards the woman who gave birth to the only person I’ve ever loved. “You made me do this, Deb. Your fucking selfish, crazy control-freak tantrum caused this.” I punch the wall next to her, and my fist goes through drywall. “She’d be alive right now if you had just let her stay for one more night. Really, Deb? You had to fucking threaten me and force me to drive in the middle of the night when I told you I was fucking exhausted?”