I feel a lump forming in my throat, a debilitating sadness that cancels out all the fear. There’s so much I should be able to do and what I can won’t go far.
I stop there in the middle of the sidewalk and wonder what’s even the point.
But then Alyssa squeezes my hand, looks up at me with gentle determination and then starts handing out the food to the people.
I watch her for a few moments, humbled and awestruck by the sight of her being so kind, so compassionate, so brave as she meets and tries to talk to each and every poor soul she comes across. It’s not an easy thing to do. The majority of them light up when they see her, even if she doesn’t represent drugs, even if hunger is the last thing on their mind.
I know how they feel. That’s what she does to me.
She lights me up inside, puts the sun in my sky.
Fuck.
I might be completely in love with her.
No.
Not might.
I am completely in love with her.
No doubts, no performances, no lies.
Just truth.
I blink at her there, standing on the darkened street, surrounded by the hopeless and yet now I’m brimming with love and hope from the inside out.
After she hands an energy bar to an old woman, Alyssa straightens up and looks over at me questioningly. I can tell she’s still nervous about this whole thing, but she’s doing it anyway. And I know she really doesn’t want to do it alone.
You don’t ever have to be alone again.
I nod at her, my smile spreading to an outright grin that probably seems horribly out of place.
Then I snap out of it and go to her side.
Together we walk up the street, handing out food until our bags are almost empty.
Then I take her hand, warm and small in mine, and lead her into the building.
“This is where I grew up,” I tell her as we go up the stairs.
I take her all the way to the top floor and nod at the closed door down the hall. “That’s where I was raised. And this is where Jimmy is.”
I knock on his door. It’s closed for once. And again, I feel that rush of trepidation, that I’m going to find something awful behind that door and I’m going to find it with Alyssa by my side.
I almost start to shield her but then the door opens and Jimmy is on the other side.
“Tetty!” he says with his gap-toothed smile. Then he looks at Alyssa in surprise. “And who might you be?”
“Jimmy, this is my girlfriend Alyssa,” I tell him proudly. It doesn’t feel like a lie anymore, even if I’m the only one who thinks it.
Jimmy gives her a charming smile. I have to say, I was hoping he wouldn’t be like he was the last time I saw him and to my surprise, he looks great. He’s clean-shaven, his thinning hair is slicked back and his eyes look bright. He’s also wearing his uniform from the soup kitchen where he’s supposed to be working tonight and where I usually volunteer on Tuesdays.
“Pleased to meet you, truly I am,” Jimmy says, enthusiastically shaking Alyssa’s hand. He grins at me, his cheeks growing pink. “Boy, Tetty. You really found the prettiest girl in the whole city. I am so happy for you. So happy to see you with someone. I was starting to worry about you, you know?”
“I was starting to worry too,” I admit with a sheepish grin. “Anyway, I thought we’d all go down to the soup kitchen together.”
“Sure, sure, I was just about to leave,” he says, looking back in the apartment as if looking for something.
I hand him my plastic bag. “First, some food for later.”
“Thanks, thanks Tetty,” he says, lifting up the bag in reverence before taking it inside and putting it on the kitchen counter.
As he does so, Alyssa turns to me. “He’s adorable,” she says, briefly leaning into my arm. “Thank you for bringing me to meet him.”
Fuck. She’s starting to unravel me, thread by thread.
I swallow and put my arm around her, holding her tight.
“Okay, let’s go. Whoa. Look at you lovebirds,” Jimmy says, closing the door behind him and locking it. “Boy, I remember what it was like to be in love.”
Alyssa stiffens at that but I don’t loosen my grip. I know what she’s thinking, I know things are getting complicated, the edges are blurring, the lines are being crossed. But maybe she’ll see the beauty in the change.
Or maybe she just wants her money. Maybe what you feel for her will in no way be returned. She thinks you’re a cad, remember. A player. Someone like her daddy. Someone who will hurt her.
And you told her you would.
“You okay, Tetty?” Jimmy asks me.
I blink at him in surprise. “Oh, yes. Good. Let’s go.”
The three of us leave and walk the two blocks over to the soup kitchen. Even though I’ve been there enough, Jimmy introduces Alyssa to everyone there and everyone seems charmed by her, especially as she starts working alongside them, dishing out meals for the hungry. For being such a sassy, prickly woman at times, when that soft side comes out, it makes everybody melt. We’re the lucky ones who see that side of her. It’s why when I thought about bringing her here, showing her this part of my life, this part of my history, every ugly bit, that I knew she wouldn’t balk, wouldn’t run. She would be bold and brave enough to take it all on and do so with grace and compassion.
It also makes me realize why she’s maybe been so unlucky in love. I have no doubt that every man that lays eyes on her thinks she’s beautiful and, fuck, yes, undeniably sexy. I mean, that’s one of the first things I noticed, other than her breasts of course. Her sexual confidence and strength. But there’s something about that, and being an honest, strong-willed woman, that scares men off. It intimidates them. They want the woman that needs them. The truth is, we all need someone, including Alyssa, but some people require a little more than just scratching the surface.
I was determined from the start to peel back her layers, to slip beneath her armor. To discover the secret softness underneath, the places she keeps hidden.
I feel like I’m so fucking close.
It’s in front of me, all within reach.
Now it’s just a matter of her letting me in.
Something tells me it’s not going to be easy to help her see past the lie.
But I’m willing to give it all I’ve got.
When we’ve put in a good few hours at the soup kitchen and it starts to close up for the night, I’m fully prepared to take Alyssa straight to her place.
But as we get in the car and leave the mean streets of downtown behind, she turns to me and says, “I don’t want to be alone tonight.”
I look at her in surprise, utter happiness fluttering through me. “No? Stay over at my place.”
“That’s okay?”
“It’s better than okay, sunshine,” I tell her. “I don’t want to be alone either.”
There’s something about the reality and rawness that we witnessed today that makes me want to hold onto her even tighter. It makes me appreciate just how wild and real she is, that she’s the fire in my life, the one that makes my heart beat. I want to bury myself deep inside her and never let go, let her light wash over all my darkness, let it dissolve my past. Alyssa is my sun, pure golden warmth that leaves only love behind.
My love for her.
Fuck, I’m in too deep.
But I don’t care.
We get to my place and we’re practically tearing each other’s clothes off as we stumble through the courtyard. Once inside we move to the bedroom, articles being discarded to the floor, our mouths clashing against each other, lips, tongue, teeth. It’s messy, it’s urgent, it’s a life force.
I push her down onto my bed, staring at her gorgeous body, the sly look in her eyes as I stand at the edge of the bed with my cock jutting out, already stiff as a board.
Her eyes widen as I knew they would. She loves my cock and I love her for it.
Her mouth parts sweetly and she turns around on her knees, shuffling to the edge. Her hands grab the back of my thighs, her nails digging in, and she stares up at me with burning eyes.
She doesn’t break eye contact with me—I’m starting to think she gets off by watching me get off. I’ve been with my fair share of women, but none of them were as brazen as she is, not even close. It gets under my skin like nothing else.