I wipe my hand over the back of my mouth. Fuck it. He’s a big boy, he can handle pizza breath. My body is taking over. Everything is boiling up out of me—years of stolen looks and tight T-shirts and that bone-deep certainty that the animal in him wants me, too.
How else could he always make me feel this way? Brighter, darker, hungrier? No one else has me standing in a cold shower or breaking down a kitchen with my bare hands. I want him crying with pleasure. I want to be the only one he can think of.
“Take your shirt off. Shoes off. I’ll do the rest.” Lust has broken my voice box; I’m raspy. I point at my bedroom door. “Bed. Get in it.” I’m looking at the solid square of his belt buckle.
“Are you out of your mind?” He’s stunned.
When I reach for him like a creepy sex zombie, he steps away, almost cowering against the fridge—a huge man terrified of my outstretched fingertips. He reaches up and pulls down the broken retractable blind from the window and throws it on the floor between us, as if it could possibly keep me back.
“Darcy, are you joking?”
“Do I look like I’m joking?” I watch him swallow and his jaw tenses, the tendons like ribbons. I think I look like I’m a predator. “I’m not joking. I just told you, I’m telling the truth from now on. I want you, bad. I feel how much you want me. So show me what you got.” My breath is puffing out of me, light and fast.
“DB, you have lost it. Quit messing with me.”
Holly’s right. I’m not romantic. I’ll fix it later. “Tom Valeska, get in me.”
He lets out a shaky breath and there’s a light of fear in his eyes. I’m a scary bitch. He’s a bashful sweetheart with pink cheeks. Valeska is nowhere in sight. The first moment of doubt hits me, and I narrow my eyes at his face. Seriously? I thought I’d have teeth on me by now. “Well?”
He pushes at his belt buckle like it’s uncomfortable. “I’m sorry you’ve had a shock. I should have told you as soon as I arrived.”
He turns his waist away and I’m certain. He’s got an iron erection, and it’s for me. I’m having it, pressing in an inch at a time until I can’t even blink. This house can go to hell.
The look in my eyes makes his breath crack in his lungs. I don’t need a mirror to know I must look fucking intense.
I’ll give him a second to compose himself. “Why didn’t you? Jesus, Tom. I’ve been making a complete ass of myself. How many times did I bring her up, and you said nothing?” I go to the pantry door. The big fucker. It’s all I can do.
Crack. Tom catches it before I’m flattened underneath.
“A lot of times.” His face is pained as he puts it on our growing pile of debris. “You’re a lot harder to lie to than I thought.” He looks at my bedroom door again and shakes his head slightly, like he has water in his ear. “Did you just tell me to—” He can’t finish.
“You tell the truth to Vince, but not me?”
“I lost my temper,” he says without humor. Out there, he was his usual perfect self. I’d dismiss him as cold, but when he looks back to me, he’s glittering darker now. Hungrier. There’s a magnet dragging us together. Finally.
“Says the guy with a sledgehammer in his car.” I shake my head and pull all the knobs off the broken oven and toss them at his feet. “You are my one straightforward person, you know that? You are the one person who tells the truth. And you’ve been lying to me since you arrived. Why?”
“I thought it would be better this way. If I told you after the renovation.” He says it like it’s reasonable.
“And why’s that?” A little voice inside my head whispers, Oh no.
“Because of this.” He gestures around the room, his eyes catching on my mouth. I lick my lip and think about the syrup I drank. He’s not walking out of here alive.
Then he brings me back to reality, in the sweetest, kindest Tom way possible.
“I thought it would be safer if I didn’t tell you until the house was done. I thought this might happen.” As if he can’t help himself, he reflexively looks at my bedroom door. “And it won’t happen.” His chest rises and falls.
His eyes are profoundly disturbed. He won’t be getting in my bed, because he doesn’t think about me like that. At all. And I’ve just showed my entire poker hand to him. This is like my asking to buy Loretta’s ring from Jamie in the parking lot, one minute after he inherited it. Why don’t I ever try to strategize? Everything just erupts out of my volcano mouth.
He says, “I thought it would be safer to lie.”
Hot red blood is filling my body, rising up my torso, my neck, to the roots of my hair. Humiliation is dissolving my skeleton. “Safer.” My voice sounds very far away to me. “Safer?”
My parents would probably understand the reason for his sweet white lie; Jamie definitely does.
“I need to focus on the house,” he says, very reasonably. “I’ve never run a business before single-handed.” He’s got a sweat sheen on his skin and he’s still struggling to catch his breath. “I’ve known you since you were melting Barbies with a lighter. You’re Jamie’s sister. I promised your parents that I’d look after you.”
And just like that, I understand. Life’s all about finding buffers.
Megan was a buffer because it’s been clear for years that the moment she was gone, I’d pounce. Christ, I didn’t last one minute. I have no game. For a habitual liar, I seem to slip up at the crucial moments.
He has his first job for his own company and doesn’t want me smooching around like Pepé Le Pew. I’m the client. I’m his best friend’s sister. I’m Mr. and Mrs. Barrett’s weak-hearted daughter. I’m the liability he swore to take care of.
I’m a kitchen-trashing psychopath who is going to tear his clothes off his body and kiss him down to his bones. And I need to get a grip.
I make myself laugh and nod. “Okay. Fair enough. That’s probably smart, actually.”
I somehow walk to the front door on my trembling legs and the cool evening air floods in. I will find the nearest ocean and walk in, all the way down to Atlantis, and inquire about real estate. “Next time I see you, you can’t make me feel shitty about this. Pretend it didn’t happen. But you know what? I thought you had more guts.”
* * *
I GO TO a liquor store, buy something cheapy sticky sweet, and then go to Truly’s house. She opens the door and blinks owlishly out into the night.
“I need to lie on your couch for a bit,” I tell her, toeing off my boots. “I just did something unforgivable.”
“Okay,” she says without hesitation, like the excellent friend she is. We’ve been lying on each other’s couches since high school. I will lie on her couch until the day I die.
Except lying on her couch is not an option, as it turns out. It’s stacked with underwear. Truly seems to have hardly registered my arrival; she goes back to her sewing machine, illuminated by a bright overhead lamp, and the whirring resumes.
Truly Nicholson is the queen of a cult indie underwear label called Underswears, and no, her name is not a nickname. Well, it was initially. She was called Truly in utero when she finally made her appearance on an ultrasound screen. That little baby was truly a miracle.
I assess her bent-over back. “Finish up now. I think you’ve done enough.” I doubt she’s eaten anything in hours—possibly days—worrying about grease on her fingers. Crumbs, stains, and drips are her mortal enemies. “Truly, I need to tell you about a totally insane thing I just did.”
Wheeeee. The sewing machine rolls about two inches of tiny stitches. There’s clicking, and then, wheeee.
Robotically, Truly lifts the machine foot, repositions, depresses the foot, and then, wheee. Her eyes are completely blank. I’m pretty sure she’s already forgotten I’m here. When I see she’s finished sewing the current pair, I turn the lamp off from above her.
The terrible enchantment is broken. She slumps down onto her forearms while I find some chocolate-flavored milk that hasn’t expired. I pull piles of laundry off a little-used armchair, deposit her on it, and hold the straw up to her mouth.