“Thanks,” I whisper, not knowing what to say. Memories resurface. Mom crying at night, sobbing into her pillow. Me hugging her and not understanding why she was so sad. Me standing outside my school waiting for Mom to pick me up. Watching other dads with their kids. Feeling lost. Empty. Us not having electricity one week when we were struggling and behind on bills. All while my dad had a shitload of money but didn’t care to send us any.
“But I made it through my whole life without you, so I think I’ll be okay,” I say, steel in my tone.
How could I let him in my life again? It won’t change the past, will it? Could I ever forgive him completely? And do I even want to? Who is the forgiveness for, me or him? I don’t know how I feel. I need to process everything.
His face drops, but he nods. “Right. Of course, I understand. ’Bye, Lana.”
I laugh without humor. “You know, because of you, I have trust issues? I can’t trust anything anyone says to me, especially a man. I’m waiting for Tracker to turn his back on me, because men don’t stick around, right? All they do is leave destruction behind when they move on to the next best thing.”
He swallows hard, his throat working. “Good men do stick around.” As he walks away, the picture of a defeated man, I hurt for him.
I don’t want to hurt him, but it would hurt me to have him in my life at this moment in time. I know I need to let go, to be able to forgive and move on, but I guess I don’t see that happening right now. He made his decision, and now he has to live with it. He didn’t need to cut me out of his life. He made the conscious decision to do so.
I had no say in it.
I was just part of the wreckage left behind.
Still, I watch him as he disappears from my sight, regret tethering us together.
One thought runs through my head.
Tracker is a good man.
* * *
“What happened with Bailey the other night?” I nosily ask Rake, who scowls as the mere mention of her name.
“We had words. She left. That pretty much sums it up.”
“She still looks smoking hot. Even hotter than I remember,” I prod.
Rake stabs his fork into his food harder than necessary. “Really? I didn’t notice.”
I’m waiting at the clubhouse for Tracker to get back. Rake’s keeping me company. He’s eating his dinner on the couch, while I make him watch some talk show.
“What did she mean when she said some things never change?” I ask. Did he cheat on her?
Rake throws me a look.
“Fine,” I grumble. “Not my business.”
He finally cracks a smile. “You hear about my birthday?”
“What about it?” I ask.
“It’s next week,” he says. “Everyone is throwing me a party here, it’s gonna be wild.”
“Am I invited?” I ask, raising my eyebrows.
He smirks. “Ask Tracker, that’s his call. When I say wild, I mean wild. Are you gonna get shitty and run off, giving him hell?”
“No,” I reply. “He’d be with me. What would I get angry over?”
Rake plays with his lip ring. “Naked women. Public sex. Take your pick.”
I wince. “Is Anna going to be here?”
“Fuck no,” he replies, chuckling. “She’s taking me out to dinner the night before.”
“Good call,” I say.
“I know. Nothing screams cock-block more than your little sister showing up.”
“So you don’t mind if I see . . . whatever,” I ask, my face heating in embarrassment.
“If you wanna see, all you have to do is ask, Lana.”
I throw a pillow at him, which just misses his plate.
“Oops,” I say insincerely. “My bad.”
“You’re a pain in the ass.”
I rub my eyes. “I’m sleepy. I’m gonna go nap until Tracker gets back.”
“Okay,” Rake says. “I’ll tell him you’re waiting for him in his bed.” He pauses. “Naked.”
I ignore him and make my way to Tracker’s bedroom.
TWENTY
I WAKE up alone.
Hearing voices, I search for Tracker, finding him shirtless in the gym. He and Arrow are in the middle of a ring, fighting. My heart in my throat, I watch as the two powerful men fight for dominance, each hitting the other with brutal force. Why are they doing this? Ever since I’ve been here, I haven’t seen Tracker get in the ring. And here he is now, in the middle of the night? I gasp when Arrow clocks him on the side of the face, but Tracker simply spits out blood on the floor and continues to fight back. When it’s finally over, the two of them sit down on the floor. Arrow pulls something out of his pocket, and the two of them light up and smoke it. Is that . . . weed? I didn’t even know Tracker smoked.
“Really needed that,” I hear Tracker say. I know I shouldn’t be eavesdropping, but I can’t seem to make my feet carry me away.
“What’s up with you?” Arrow asks. “Things okay with Lana?”
Yes, I definitely wasn’t going to move.
“She’s amazing,” Tracker replies. “Just fuckin’ hard sometimes. I’m always trying to keep her away from things, the dark side of me, I guess. I don’t want her to run, you know? But in the process I’m losing some of me. I love to fight, and I haven’t been in this ring for ages, just ’cause I don’t want her to worry.”