Home > The Upside of Unrequited(38)

The Upside of Unrequited(38)
Author: Becky Albertalli

“Why does it matter?” I whip back. “Why does any of this matter?”

It’s like an anvil falling. Everyone stops. Everyone looks at me.

“Uh-uh. What has gotten into you?” Nadine stands.

But I’m too far gone to stop. “Into me? Literally nothing. Nothing’s gotten into me. Nothing happens to me. So maybe you should talk to Cassie. Maybe you should ask her what an orgasm feels like.”

Cassie gapes at me. “Are you kidding me?”

“Molly, that’s not okay—” Nadine starts to say, but I cut her off.

“Whatever. I’m done.” I stand abruptly, pushing past her, out the door, and down the stairs.

Mina steps out of the kitchen, holding Xavier’s hands up while he wanders. “Oh hey,” she says.

I barely return her hello. I don’t even stop to hug Xav. I slip out the door, and I don’t care that it’s drizzling, and I don’t care that I’m in pajamas. I curl up on the steps and take out my phone. I call Abby.

She answers on the first ring. “So funny—I was just talking about you!”

My heart sinks. If she was just talking about me, she’s not alone. Which means I’m about to lose my shit in front of Nick or Simon or one of Abby’s millions of other new best friends. Perfect.

“Molly?” she says.

“Hi.” It comes out like a choke.

“Are you okay? Molly, what happened? Wait, hold on. Let me just . . .” I picture her gesturing to Nick, maybe smiling apologetically. “Okay, I’m heading upstairs. What’s going on?”

I really want to tell her about Reid liking Olivia, but I can’t. Which is ridiculous. I mean, it’s Abby. She’s not going to make fun of me. Except she might. I don’t know. Maybe Cassie told her about Reid. Maybe she told her what Mina said. That sex with Reid is unfathomable. Which means sex with me is probably unfathomable, too. Because nerd sex is a joke. Fat on fat. Dweeb on dweeb. Womp womp womp. And no one seems to see how cute Reid is, except me.

And fucking Olivia.

Reid fucking Olivia.

I seriously want to scream.

“Molly, talk to me. Are you okay?” she asks again.

“I’m okay.”

“No you’re not. What’s going on?”

I need to breathe. I need my lungs to get it together.

“I’m just . . .” Deep breath. “Cassie’s really mad at me. And so are my moms.”

“Okay.” There’s a smile in her voice. “That’s it?”

“It’s not funny.”

“No—oh, Molly. I’m not laughing at you. I’m just—do you know how often Isaac is mad at me? Or my parents? Seriously, my dad is mad at me literally every day. That’s how parents are.”

“Not my parents.”

“That’s because you never screw up.”

“Are you kidding me?”

She laughs. “Well, what happened?”

So I tell her. And, honestly, talking about it makes me feel calmer. I guess the situation is a tiny bit hilarious. I mean, I actually left Cassie there to explain how orgasms feel. To our mothers.

“So Hipster Will blew it for you guys, huh?”

“He totally blew it.”

Abby giggles. “He’s so not getting the Molly makeouts now.”

“Never.”

As if the Molly makeouts are such a hot commodity. As if guys are lining up at my door. I actually hate that expression. Grandma says it sometimes. Like, that’s supposed to be the goal: to have a whole line of guys desperate to date you or have sex with you or whatever the endgame is. Like, I should want to collect boys like Pokémon.

I don’t want that. I don’t want to break hearts. I just want Reid.

It’s scary to even think that.

I want Reid. And maybe I’m crazy, but I was sure he liked me, too. The way he looked at me in that rainstorm. The way he sits a little closer these days. The way he looked at me when I was talking to Will.

I was so sure.

I was so not careful.

And now I know what rejection feels like. It’s a whirlpool of suck.

“HEY! YOU’RE NOT GROUNDED,” REID says when I walk into work.

“Not yet. I don’t know.” I settle down next to him on the floor of the baby section. There are baby shoes everywhere. “What happened here?”

“Toddler rampage.”

“Uh-oh.”

“This place is literally birth control,” he says.

I smile faintly, settling in beside him to stack a few shoe boxes.

“Seriously,” he says, after a moment. “Is everything okay? Mina told Olivia you seemed upset.”

“You talked to Olivia?”

“She texted me.”

My stomach drops. “Right.”

There are approximately fifty billion things I want to ask him right now, like: When did you and Olivia exchange numbers? Do you like her? And especially this: Do you like her better than me?

“Hey, guys.” I look up, and it’s Deborah. “Is my muscle team available? We just sold the barnwood bookcase.” She pumps her fist.

“We’re on it.” Reid jumps up and extends his hand to me.

I take it.

He squeezes my hand softly before letting go. And Olivia doesn’t exist right now.

Until I see her by the checkout, her blue-streaked hair perfectly tousled. She’s wearing a T-shirt and jeans, and carrying what looks like a camera case.

“You bought a bookcase?” I ask.

She laughs. “Uh, no. I’m looking for a picture frame. And saying hi.”

“Hi,” Reid says, smiling.

“The woman’s just pulling her car around.” Deborah rests her hand for a moment on Reid’s shoulder.

We carry the bookcase in silence, and I sense Reid looking at me quizzically. But I don’t want to speak. I don’t trust my voice right now. I can’t believe Olivia’s here. She’s here. And I don’t think it’s because of me.

“Did you find your frame?” Reid asks her when we step back inside.

“I did! What do you think?”

Of course she picked my favorite frame in the entire store. I mean, she’s Olivia. It’s wood, painted pale blue, with clusters of tiny hand-painted flowers.

“It’s for your moms,” she says. “Did you hear I’m taking pictures at the wedding? Actually, I’m heading over there in a sec to take some test shots. I’ve got my Canon.” She pats the case at her hip.

“Your cannon?” Reid asks. He pantomimes an explosion.

“My camera.”

“Oh, right,” he says. “So, hey, I was just thinking. My friend Douglas is kind of a techie, and he’s starting to get interested in cameras and photography. I was wondering if maybe you could talk to him?”

OKAY, IS FUCKING EVERYONE INTO PHOTOGRAPHY THESE DAYS?

“Totally,” Olivia says.

“Actually, Will also does photography, and Mina’s learning, too.” I smile tightly. “So Douglas has a lot of options.”

“Oh, cool,” Reid says. “But if you’re up for it, Olivia, maybe the four of us could find a time to get together or something.” He glances at me. “I think Molly suspects Douglas doesn’t actually exist.”

“That is true.” I can’t help but smile a little.

“Well, I’m definitely up for it.”

“Oh, great! Let me text him.” He looks up at Olivia. “And hey, my shift’s ending in a minute. Do you want me to walk you to Molly’s house?”

“Aww, that would be great.”

Oh my fucking goodness. So, this is happening. Right before my eyes.

I mean, that’s how it’s going to be. It’s that easy for Olivia. Maybe this is what life is like for most girls.

I should smile. I should act normal. I should melt into the floor and disappear.

I pull out my phone as soon as they leave. I never did write back to Will’s dancing bee ladies. I’ve never even considered texting him. But I will literally-not-literally-almost-literally explode if I have to sit around tonight imagining Reid with Olivia.

   
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