I shook my head. “No, if I did that I’d have to live in my parents’ house forever, and while I love them dearly, I don’t want that.”
I felt hands on my shoulders, and then my body was turned.
“Don’t play jokes on me,” Kale warned, his eyes trained on me.
I looked up at him. “I’m not playing games. I’m telling the truth.”
He blinked, his surprise evident. “You’re . . . moving back—”
“Home,” I finished for him. “I’m moving back home.”
His eyes widened, and he didn’t say a word, but just stared at me. I held back a gasp when the glint I thought I’d seen minutes ago flashed across his eyes, and this time it didn’t leave.
My Kale, my mind whispered.
I glanced for something to distract me from doing something stupid. My eyes flicked around his empty walls, and I frowned. “Why don’t you have any pictures up?”
Kale gnawed on his inner cheek. “Of Kaden?”
I nodded.
“Because they’re a reminder that he is gone.”
I tilted my head. “Couldn’t they be a reminder that he was here? Even though it was for a short time?”
Kale looked away from me. “I don’t know if I want to talk about him. It hurts.”
“I know.” I frowned. “I wish that one day we’d wake up and his passing would all just be a nightmare.”
Kale gripped the counter, then took my hand in his and led me into the sitting room, where we sat on a very comfortable sofa. For minutes we sat in silence.
“I miss my son, Lane,” he whispered. “I miss his laugh, his cry, his screams and even his serious conversations with his chubby toes. I miss everything about him.”
I was silent as he spoke.
“Day by day it’s ripping me apart because I know I’ll never see him again. Never hold him again. It kills me that you’ll never get to know him. I was robbed of you, and then I was robbed of him. God hates me. I hate me.”
I got up and kneeled before him and put my hands on his face, forcing him to look at me.
“You’re the bravest person that I have ever known. You’re so strong, and sweetheart, you’re a good fucking person. Horrible things have happened to you for no reason, because no reason is good enough for you to lose a child. The why can never be explained, and nothing will ease that pain you feel, but I truly believe that one day you won’t feel sorrow or sadness when you think of Kaden. You will think of happiness and love, because I know in my heart that he was pure light. You will see him again.”
Kale’s whisky-coloured eyes were glazed over with tears, and when he blinked, they fell and splashed onto his cheeks. Without thought or hesitation, I leaned in and kissed the salty droplets away. I pressed my forehead against his and looked into his beautiful eyes.
“I wasn’t there for you when you lost Kaden, but I will be here for you now and every moment after. I don’t care what has happened between us in the past. Before you were my crush, you were my best friend. You’re still my best friend, and I refuse to lose you again.”
“You . . . you really aren’t going back to America?” he asked, the hope in his voice almost breaking me.
I shook my head. “No, darling, no matter the outcome of this conversation, I’m not going anywhere. I’m staying right here where I belong, with my family, and with you in any capacity. You’re my best friend. I’ll give up everything before I lose that, lose you, again.”
I barely finished speaking before he covered my mouth with his and kissed me.
“Kale, no,” I said, and broke away from him. “You’re kissing me because you’re sad.”
“No,” he said, looking at me with searching eyes, “I’m kissing you because if I don’t, I’ll lose my fucking mind.”
I sat back on my heels. “You don’t know what you’re—”
“Don’t tell me what I’m feeling or what I’m thinking,” he growled, cutting me off. “I’m sick of people thinking they know what’s best for me. I know what’s best for me.”
I felt a moment of déjà vu as he echoed my earlier words to my family.
“And what’s best for you?” I quizzed.
“You,” he growled.
I was confused with his anger.
“You’re mad at me,” I said, stating the obvious.
“I’m not mad at you, Lane,” Kale stated calmly. “I’m fucking livid with you.”
I stood up as I sensed a fight brewing. Kale did too, because he was on his feet before I was. “Why’re you angry?” I asked, confused.
“Because when I think about how things ended with us before you left me, it fucking infuriates me.”
What the hell? I thought.
I pointed my finger at him. “You walked away from me, Kale.”
“And you made damn sure of that, didn’t you, sweetheart?” he bellowed, his tone taking me by surprise. “You told me everything I wanted to hear a year too fucking late.”
“I never wanted you to look at me again the way you did the morning after we had sex, so when you told me you loved me, I lied and pushed you away to protect myself.”
“Are you kidding me?” he screamed. “Are you fucking kidding me, Lane?”
I backed away from Kale’s shaking form. He was fuming with rage.
“No!” he snarled, and shot forward into my personal space.
I wasn’t planning on leaving, but he was making sure I couldn’t even if I wanted to.
“You aren’t running away anymore,” he stated. “We’re going to hash everything out right fucking now.”
“I had to run away!” I screamed and shoved at his chest. “I couldn’t sit by and watch you play happy families with her. I couldn’t do it!”
“You didn’t give me time after that admission,” he snapped. “I realised the day after you left that I wanted you and not Drew, but you were gone, and I had a responsibility to step up with her.”
“Exactly,” I emphasised. “You had that – be thankful for it at least!”
“What the hell are you saying?” he shouted.
“If I’d told you I loved you, you wouldn’t have had Kaden!”
Kale stumbled back like I’d punched him. “Don’t you ever . . . don’t fucking ever justify your walking out on me by using my son, do you hear me?”
“I’m not justifying anything, Kale,” I said, my voice tight with emotion, “but it’s true. If I’d told you I loved you, if I’d pressed you out of your comfort zone, then Kaden would have never existed.”
Kale glared at me. “You don’t know that.”
“Yes,” I said, nodding, “I do.”
“How?” he growled.
“Because you would never have got back with Drew if you’d had me,” I whispered. “I see that now.”
Kale struggled to keep his composure. “So I’m supposed to be happy you left me? I’m supposed to be happy that I was robbed of six years with you?”
I shook my head. “No, you should be happy that I made a decision that led you to having Kaden, even if it was just for a short time, because I’m learning that having someone that special in your life is worth every second you have with them. Focus on that, focus on the time you had with Kaden, and you will be happy that you had him.”
My own words triggered something my dad had said to me the night before my uncle’s funeral. He’d said, “You can find yourself again, and possibly help Kale find peace in the process.”
“I’m realising that for myself too, Kale,” I said after a moment of laboured breathing. “It’s killing me that my uncle is gone, but I cherish all the time I had with him, every memory, every laugh and even every fight. Lavender too. I wouldn’t be the person I am today without her, and I miss her every day, but it’s only because I loved her so much.”
I looked up at Kale’s glassy eyes. “I cherish every moment of our friendship before I left and lost you.” I swallowed. “But even though things hurt, Kale, if we focus on the good times, the love we have for our loved ones will outweigh the heartache we feel when we think of them. I thoroughly believe that.”
“Do you really think I can get to a point where I can be happy when I think of Kaden?” Kale asked me, his body still tensed.
“I do, and I’ll help you every step of the way, I promise.” My shoulders slumped. “You should be happy I didn’t get in the way of Kaden, Kale.”
Kale blinked at me. “You get in the way of everything, Lane.”
I frowned. “I don’t understand.”
“I can’t see past you,” he said, and shook his head. “I’ve never been able to see past you.”
I waited for him to explain.
“When Kaden was born, all I wanted was for you to be his mum so you could experience how brilliant he was right along with me. How horrible of a person does that make me? Wishing Drew was you? When I lost him, I wanted you there to make losing him easier. When I had Drew, I wanted her to be you. Every decision I make, no matter how small or stupid, is always accompanied with the thought of you. I incorporate you into everything without even meaning to do it. You’re my life. You always have been.”
Kale carefully watched me from across the room as I processed what he said.
“Want or wanted?” I whispered.
He raised his eyebrows at me. “Wh-What?”
“You wanted me, or you want me?” I asked, sucking up every ounce of courage within my body.
Kale pushed himself away from the wall he was leaning against. “Don’t ask me that unless—”
“Unless what?” I interrupted.
“Unless you’re fully prepared for my answer.”
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN