I don’t mean it. But I’m hurt and I’m not thinking clearly. And I’m an ass**le.
The pain on her face lances straight through me. Her shoulders pull in as she wraps her arms around her stomach. “Oh. Right. Okay. I’m sorry…” A tear runs down her cheek. She swipes it away with her finger. “… I shouldn’t have come.” Then she’s gone, out the door.
Dozer growls at me, giving me a ‘you f**king idiot’ look, then he starts pawing and butting his head against the door, trying to get to our girl.
“I know, I’m a f**kin’ idiot!” I grip my hair, angry with myself. “Shit! Motherfucking shit!” I kick the desk. Then without another thought, I’m burning out of the hotel, chasing after her. “Mia! Wait!”
She stops by her car, face away from me, but I don’t stop. I stride right over to her, standing before her, I take her tear streaked face in my hands.
It hurts so much to know I put those tears there. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that … I was angry, like three f**kin’ months worth of angry. But I don’t want you to go … fuck! … Mia, I just … I just want you.”
Her eyes flash up to me with surprise. “You want me?”
“I’ll always want you.”
Then I kiss her. I kiss her with three months worth of pain and hurt and want and need.
“I love you,” she breathes over my mouth.
It makes me kiss her harder. My feelings for her consuming me.
“I love you…” I say, holding her to me. “So f**kin’ much.”
She stands on her tiptoes, wraps her arms around my neck, and buries her face in my shoulder. I hold her tight. Afraid to let her go. Afraid to ever let her go again.
“Does this mean you have room for me?” she whispers.
I tilt my head back staring in her eyes. “I think I could make space for you.”
“For how long?”
I shrug. “How does forever sound?”
She puts her hand to my face, the smile on her own real, but tentative. “It sounds too good to be real,” she whispers.
“Oh, it’s real, babe.” I squeeze her ass, lifting her off her feet, loving the feel of her legs as they go around my waist. I turn, walking back to the hotel with her. “And it’s gonna be as good as I’m about to make you feel – this is me we’re talking about here.” I lift an eyebrow.
Her laughter fills me. Her kiss soothes me.
And I feel a peace I haven’t felt in months.
Epilogue
Mia
“So what happened to us going out for dinner?” I trace patterns on Jordan’s bare chest.
“You happened. I was just innocently coming out of the bathroom after my shower, all clean and ready to get dressed, and there you were standing by our bed, wearing your new sexy underwear, looking smoking hot, and of course I got hard because … well, it was you. In underwear. Then we had some seriously f**kin’ awesome sex, babe, and now I’m in post coital bliss with my girl, and moving just isn’t an option.”
Laughing, I tilt my head up to him, offering my mouth.
He captures it in a delicious kiss which send shivers right down to my toes.
“See, and that’s why moving isn’t an option because I intend on doing this with you for the rest of the night.”
“Works for me.” I smile, stretching my arms up.
Jordan slides his fingers around my neck, playing with the locket around it.
The locket was Anna’s. Jordan gave it to me a few months ago.
After I came back, Jordan and I spent time getting reacquainted with one another. Then we spent a lot of time talking through the issues that were sitting between us.
I was no longer in the place where I saw the betrayal of my mother when I looked at him.
But the fact was still there.
She had left me behind and raised him.
When Jordan told me everything about her situation with Oliver, it didn’t make things better, but it gave me a semblance of understanding.
It’s taken me a long time to process my feelings about my mother, but I’m almost there.
Pain of the past never goes away, you just find a way to deal with it. And the future … all the promise it holds … that’s what keeps you moving forward, and out of the darkness.
Jordan. He’s my future. My promise. My light.
He keeps me sane. He keeps me safe.
When I struggle to breathe, he gives me the air I need.
Some days are hard. Some days when my mind blackens and all I want to do is hide away and eat and purge. He’s right there with me.
I’ll always be recovering from bulimia.
But now those days when I feel the urge for control and the need to hurt my body are few and far between. I can’t even remember the last time I felt that way.
I’m still seeing a therapist. When I left the center, my doctor there referred me to a therapist here in Durango – Dr. Peterson. She has been really great and has helped me work on all my issues.
I still have a long way to go when it comes to dealing with the life I lived with Oliver and Forbes, and the mental scars it left me with, but I’m getting there.
And I still have Danni. We talk regularly on the phone, and she came to visit a few months ago. She stayed for a week, which was awesome. It was great to have some time with her as I’d really missed her. Jordan took us out on a Jeep tour to the canyon. Beth and Toni came along as well. It was a really great day.