Her teeth work her bottom lip as she thinks that over. "I think losing them is worse than never knowing them at all."
"You might be right. Anyway, after a few months of dating, women start to want more. They start gawking at rings in the mall, talking about kids, moving their shit into my closet. And then I back off 'cause I don't want to lead them on, ya know? I don't want them to think something's there that might not be. But I don't want to lose them, either. I just never felt like I was ready to take the dive into more than just dating. Then when they sense that, they get all fuckin' pissed off, call me an asshole, and it's all downhill from there, Angelcake."
She sighs and doesn't speak for a few moments as we walk along the trail "You paint a grim picture, Tor. But I think your forever girl is out there. You just have to find her."
"Thanks for the vote of confidence."
"Remember when I was little I used to tell everyone I was going to marry you?"
"Yup. It's the first thing you told every girlfriend I had."
Her hand covers her mouth as she laughs, her cheeks turning pink. "Oh shit. I'm sorry, Tor. I was a pain in the ass, huh?"
I wink at her affectionately. "Kinda. At least you don't do that now."
"Maybe next time you bring a girl over I'll do it just to make you laugh and see the look on her face," she teases.
I don't say anything, because a part of me wants her to do just that. It was nice to have a girl stake a claim on me and be all prepared to go to battle for my heart. Even if she was only five.
3
Kenzi
Kenzi ~ age four
Toren ~ age nineteen
I put on one of my old Elvis CDs to listen to while I boil water for ravioli. It's one of the few things she'll eat now since she's going through a weird picky eating phase.
"When are mommy and daddy coming back home?" She tugs on the leg of my jeans and stares up at me.
"Tomorrow."
She points to the stereo. "Is this my Daddy singing?"
"No, Angel. It's Elvis. Do you like it?"
"Uh huh. Will you dance me?"
I smile down at her. I did her pigtails lopsided again, but I think it adds to her cuteness. "You wanna dance?"
She raises her arms up to me and I take her hands in mine. "Okay...step on," I tell her, and she puts her tiny feet on top of mine, and we dance around the kitchen with her giggling wildly.
"We're dancin’!" she squeals.
Kenzi
Almost my entire family has congregated at our house to see me all dressed up to go to my senior prom. My father, my grandparents, my great-grandmother, Rayne, Sydni, and Toren are all here to gawk at me. I'm so embarrassed with all the attention that I want to fall through the floor. They make Jason and I pose all over the house for pictures, and Jason has actually gained a few points for being so tolerant of the whole embarrassing ordeal.
"Okay, we really have to go, or the limo is going to leave," I finally say when I can't stand it anymore. "We still have to pick up Chloe and her date."
"The driver will wait," my father says, pulling me in for a hug as we walk toward the foyer to make our exit. "You look beautiful. Have a good time. And no drinking. Or drugs."
"Dad. Please."
Behind my dad, Tor is glaring at Jason with his you better not mess with our girl or I'll kill you face and I make a warning expression back at him to stop.
"We're going!" I announce, grabbing my bag. "I love you guys."
Taking Jason's hand, we make for the door and practically run to the limo waiting in the driveway.
"My God. I'm so sorry," I say when we get inside and the driver closes the door behind us.
"It's alright. Your family is cool."
"Yeah. A little overbearing sometimes, though."
"Be glad my parents are out of town or they'd want to be doing the same thing."
We stop to pick up Chloe and her boyfriend, Brendan, who's also good friends with Jason and she squeals when she sees me, gushing over how beautiful we both look.
I'm not a dress girl at all. I feel completely awkward, and honestly not very beautiful wearing this purple dress and insanely high heels that Chloe and Rayne talked me into when we went dress shopping a few weeks ago. I really want to go home and throw on an old faded t-shirt and ripped jeans and curl up on the couch with a book or maybe watch a movie and binge on chocolate and ice cream.
We had a plan to go to the prom, then go to Hampton Beach for the night and spend the day on the beach tomorrow, as most of our graduating class is doing. One of Jason's friends is supposed to drive us back home tomorrow night. We have two rooms booked; one for Chloe and I and one for the guys. But earlier today, Chloe threw a surprise change at me and made it clear that she and Brendan are taking one room for themselves so they can go at it all night like rabbits. This obviously leaves me alone in a room with Jason, which I'm trying to get myself mentally prepared for because I'm not sure if I'm ready. All day I wanted to call Jason and tell him I was sick and bail out of the prom completely, but I knew that would be unfair to him and then Chloe would get all crazy mad at me. Now it seems like everyone is looking forward to the prom and the beach and a nighttime rendezvous with their date. Except me.
I've never been alone in a bedroom with a guy before, let alone a hotel room, which is basically just code for sex room. Even though we've fooled around a few times over the past few weeks, I still don't feel like I want to rip Jason's clothes off, or have him rip mine off. I've tried to get in the mood with him and turn my brain off and my body on, but so far my body hasn't gotten on board with his groping and nipple manhandling. To me it all feels like a really deranged doctor is giving me an examination, and I can tell he's getting impatient with me stopping him every time he tries to go further. I'm not sure if him not dumping me by now is due to him actually liking me, or because now I've become a conquest for him.
The ballroom of the hotel has been turned into a magical dance floor surrounded by tables each with seating for six. We find our table, and just as I'm wishing I was a better dancer, Jason and Brendan are approached by a friend of theirs who flashes a bag of weed and a flask, and they disappear with him.
Chloe shrugs. "Don't worry; they'll be back."
Dinner comes and goes. Then dessert, and the guys still haven't come back. Our class president starts to announce the winners for things like most likely to succeed, best couple, prom king and queen, and I'm surprised when I hear that I was voted female with the prettiest eyes.
"Way to go, honey," Chloe cheers.
"Thanks," I look around the room, wondering if the guys are ever coming back. "This kinda sucks. We haven't even danced. You and I could have just come together. What did we need the guys for if they were going to ditch us anyway?"
"I'll dance with you."
I shake my head at her and laugh. "My feet hurt way too much to dance now. These shoes are awful."
"Guys hate the prom, Kenz. They just come to party. The real fun is after the prom." She takes a few sips of her red punch. "Are you going to be okay tonight?"
Letting out an aggravated sigh, I slip my shoes off under the table before answering her. "You could have told me this was your plan, Chloe. I really didn't want to be trapped with him alone in a hotel room."
"God. You make it sound like it's terrible. Why can't you just enjoy yourself? Just let it happen and get it over with. I figured this was the best way to do it, like pushing you into the deep end of the pool."
"I didn't want my first time to be with some guy who's drunk and high."
She rolls her eyes. "I'm pretty sure it's like that for ninety percent of the population, Kenzi. You've been reading too many books. Trust me, your first time is not going to be some epic earth-shattering experience. Drink a little first, or smoke a joint. It'll be easier if you're loosened up." She giggles at her own words. "Loose in several ways!" she laughs.
I shake my head and look away from her to watch a couple whose names I can't remember dance in the center of the dim dance floor. She's smiling up at him, and him down at her, their arms wrapped tightly around each other. They look happy and in love. That's what I want.
"I think I'll pass on being loose," I say.
When my parents used to bring me on tour with them, I was around drunk and stoned people all the time, and those memories have snuffed out any interest for me to ever drink or do drugs, for any reason. I like to be in control of how I'm acting and the decisions I'm making.
Another half hour goes by before the guys finally show up, their eyes bloodshot, both of them laughing at nothing remotely funny.
"You ladies ready to get out of here?" Brendan asks, pulling Chloe out of her chair.
"We thought you'd never ask," she replies, winding herself around him.
"Sorry I missed the dinner, babe," Jason says, putting his around me as we walk out of the hotel. I'm not sure when I became 'babe'. "And I'm a pretty sucky dancer, anyway," he adds.
"It's okay. The food wasn't that great, so you didn't miss much."
His arm tightens around my waist, and he leans into my neck, his breath reeking of alcohol. "I'll make it up to you at the hotel."
Nerves turn my stomach as we climb into the back of the limo. I'm grateful the driver is not one of my father's usuals. Initially, my dad wanted to pay for the limo and have one of his drivers take us, but Jason and Brendan insisted on paying, and now I know why. Chloe must have told them that they had to get the limo out of my father's control to make sure that word didn't get back to him that we ended up in a hotel for the night. I'm annoyed at Chloe's orchestration to ensure she tricked me into spending the night with Jason, even though I know her intentions are for me to have fun. I don't like being manipulated.