My heart pounds in my chest as I step to my dresser. My hand goes around the corner of the television and finds the edge of the four-by-six frame. I pull it out.
Holding it with both hands, I bring the picture closer. Hadley wasn’t looking at the camera while I snapped the only photo I have of her and our baby. She’s looking at the chubby faced little girl with a shock of dark hair and the prettiest complexion I’ve ever seen.
“Daddy loves you, baby girl,” I say, my thumb stroking the image.
A lump springs to my throat as a wetness coats my eyes, and I put the picture back and get ready for work.
Eighteen
Hadley
“That was so good,” I say, rubbing my stomach.
Cross hands the waitress his credit card. “That was, quite possibly, the best taco salad I’ve ever eaten.”
“I’d have to agree, considering it was the second one I’ve eaten today.”
“You came here for lunch?”
“Kind of.”
I roll my straw around my glass, fighting a huge smile from swamping my face. It’s been plastered on my lips ever since Machlan dropped me off this afternoon.
My brother pulls his brows together. Setting his wallet on the table, he crosses his arms over his chest and watches me skeptically. “What are you not telling me?”
“Well,” I say, letting go of the straw. “I kind of came here today with Mach.”
“You’re shitting me.”
“No, I’m not, and that choice of words is horrific,” I say, wrinkling my nose. “What does that even mean? Does anyone actually shit you? How would you do that? Like, I don’t get it.”
“It’s a form of expression. Don’t change the subject.”
“I’m not.”
“Then did I hear you just say you came to lunch here with Machlan?”
“Yes, nosy. I had lunch with your best friend today.”
I hate how smug I feel and how I know Cross is picking up on it. How could he not? A total stranger could see how satisfied I am right now. I can’t help it, though.
I’ve replayed every second we spent together today. What surprises me the most is my favorite moments aren’t the ones when he held me or touched me or gave me hope that things might find some normalcy between us. My favorite parts of today are the ones where I looked in his eyes and saw him. Not the man who owns the bar or the one who has commitment issues. Not my brother’s best friend or the guy who broke my heart.
Today, he was Machlan.
The guy who whispered “I love you” one Saturday night while we watched a movie on his nana’s couch.
The man who gave me the opportunity to feel a child growing in my stomach and be a mother even if for only a few hours.
Today, when I looked in his eyes, he was the boy I fell in love with.
If I thought about it too much, I’d flip into terrified mode. I’d start overthinking this whole thing and realize how awful I’ll feel when things don’t work out or how lonely it’ll be when I leave and he lets me. Again. But the beauty of today is this: I don’t overthink it. I embrace Emily’s advice and Machlan’s words and just let it be.
“I can honestly say I’m surprised,” Cross says. He takes his credit card from the waitress and thanks her before turning back to me.
“Why?”
“I thought you were going a different direction.”
“Yeah.” I sigh. “I tried. And I still don’t know what direction we’re going, per se, but I like this … whatever it is. Being able to spend time with him. It’s nice.”
“I’ve always told you whatever you two figure out is fine as long as you don’t get hurt in the process.” He takes some cash out of his wallet and places it in the center of the table. Then, just as our dad used to do, and I do, he takes the saltshaker and places it on top. “You ready?”
“Yeah.”
We stand, scooting in our chairs, and meander through the tables at Peaches. Cross holds the door open for me and a couple of ladies coming in, before following me outside.
The air is crisp and the wind gusty as we make our way to his truck. We get situated inside and don’t speak until the heat is on.
“Can I ask what led to you and Mach having lunch?” he asks. “I mean, it’s none of my business, and I’m totally okay with that, but I have a feeling I’ll end up hearing about it from one of you on the back end. If I have some background, it’ll help.”
I watch clouds tumble across the sky, deep gray billows across the light gray backdrop. “I was walking to Carlson’s for lunch, and it started pouring. He happened to drive by and pick me up.”
“Sure, he did.” Cross laughs, putting the truck in reverse.
“What?”
“He didn’t happen to see you do shit. Fucker was probably stalking you.”
My heart skips a beat. “No. I don’t think so. I think it was random.”
“Sure, it was.”
We lurch forward as he shoves the transmission in drive. Cross laughs again, this time more to himself than me. I watch the amusement dance across his features and wonder what he’s thinking. I’m too afraid to ask.
Biting my lip, I look out the window but don’t really see anything. All of my attention is on my brother’s assessment of the situation. I turn to him, curiosity winning.
“What did you mean by that?” I ask.
“By what?”
“By saying he didn’t happen to see me.”
He rolls his eyes. “When it comes to you, nothing Machlan does or says or sees is random.” He quiets as he pilots the truck onto the exit ramp back to Linton. “If you’re in a ten-mile radius, Mach can’t focus on anything else.”
“Really?” I grin.
“Seeing you grin like that makes me happy. I get it. Trust me,” he says, a look sweeping across his face that I know means he’s thinking about Kallie. “But just be careful, okay?”
“Be careful? That doesn’t sound good.” My grin falters as I look out the window again. “I know what you mean. Things could flip around in a heartbeat.”
He turns the heater down and the radio off. “That’s true, but let’s focus on the good part of the day. What did the two of you do?”
“He picked me up, took me to Peaches, and we drove around a while. Ended up on Bluebird.”
Cross makes a show of leaning away from me. “What happens on Bluebird stays on Bluebird, and it’s definitely nothing that should be heard by your brother.”
“We just talked.” My emotions level out, and a calmness settles over me. “It was nice. We kind of came to an arrangement or something.”
“I’m afraid to even ask.”
“Then don’t.”
He swishes his head side to side. “Is it sexual in nature?”
I punch his shoulder.
We both laugh as he takes the exit to Linton, and we pass the turnoff to Bluebird. There’s a relief on his face that I know well; it’s one I feel in my bones.
“Whatever deal you struck,” he says, “I hope you can keep it up. I kind of like being able to bring up his name and not have you rant.”
“I kind of like it too.”
He flashes me a knowing smile and takes a right at Goodman’s.
We trudge through town, the roads still wet from the rain. The streetlights come on, and a hazy glow shines over town. It reminds me of fall days after school the year I moved to Illinois from San Diego. I couldn’t get over the way the leaves changed and how quickly the temperature dropped.
It was an eventful fall that year. So much time spent learning how to be a country girl—camping, fishing, and going to football games in the back of trucks. The smell of Carlson’s pumpkin bread and Machlan’s body after a football game trickle through my mind.
I miss those things. All of them. Not necessarily in that order.
“You still planning on going back to Vigo?” Cross asks, bringing me out of my reverie.
“Of course.” I look at him over my shoulder. “Why wouldn’t I?”
“I just thought maybe if you and Machlan could make peace, you’d come home.” He takes his eyes off the road and winces. “Does that make you feel bad for leaving? Because if it does, I’m not sorry.”
Giving him a sad smile, I sigh. “It does make me feel bad. Thanks.”
“I worry about you, Had.”
“I’m fine,” I say. “Really.”
I jabber on a host of run-on sentences that are clearly more for my own edification than to convince him of anything. The whole time I’m telling him how excited I am to get to work at the new office, to hang out with Emily more now that Samuel is out of the picture, and how I can come back to visit whenever, I fight the rumble in my belly that reminds me how much I wish I felt the enthusiasm I’m trying to extend to Cross.
Being in Linton is comfortable. It’s like walking in a warm house on a cold day and taking off your boots and getting handed a cup of hot chocolate. It’s having people wave as you go down the road and seeing familiar faces in the gas station who ask how you’re doing and really mean it. It’s being with Cross, the only family I have, and it’s being with my friends. And it’s being with Machlan.
I gulp. “I’ll be fine,” I say again. “Besides, when you and Kallie have babies, I’m sure I’ll reconsider. Get to work on that.” I make a face. “Who am I kidding? I heard you. You’re totally working on that.”
Cross chuckles, shaking his head as he pulls next to my car behind Crave.
Cars and trucks are parked everywhere, and people loiter on the sidewalks. Every time the back door opens and people come out to smoke, music from the inside filters out.
I wonder if Machlan is in there, and if he is, what he’s doing. I wonder if he’s thought of me since this afternoon and how he thinks of me, if he has.
Biting my lip, I gaze at the back door, but I’m interrupted as Cross bumps my shoulder.