“Do not raise your voice to her. She owes you fucking nothing.”
Ken’s chest puffs up, but then his shoulders slump and his fingers squeeze the bridge of his nose. “I just want to talk to her.”
I put my hand on Austin’s back, feeling his muscles contract and release from my touch. “It’s okay,” I tell him softly.
“I’m not leaving you in here with him alone. If he wants to talk, he can do that with me standing here, or not at all.”
“I’ll be okay.”
“No,” he says firmly, and Ken’s coffee cup crashes down on the counter, causing coffee to slosh all over it.
“I’m sorry, okay?” Ken growls, locking his gaze with mine. “I’m sorry I was never enough. I’m sorry I didn’t try harder. I’m sorry your mom died, and really fucking sorry I had an affair.”
My heart starts to pound hard, causing a whoosh, whoosh, whoosh sound to fill my ears as he continues, “I’m so fucking sorry, Lea, and I know it doesn’t change anything, but you have to know that if I could go back in time, I would have done things differently.”
Then his eyes go between Austin and me, and tribulation fills his features. “But it wouldn’t matter, would it? This is where you’re supposed to be.”
With those parting words, he leaves the kitchen, and a few seconds later, the front door opens and slams shut causing me to flinch as the harsh sound vibrates through the house. Closing my eyes arms wrap around me, holding me tight, sheltering me. I don’t know how long we stay like that, but eventually, Austin lets me go, moving back to the coffee pot, pouring a cup, and handing it to me.
“Talk to me.” He leans back against the counter, lifting his mug to his mouth, taking a drink. Though his pose is casual, his eyes are assessing. I can see him trying to read what I’m thinking, what I’m feeling only I don’t even understand what’s going on inside of me.
“I don’t know if this is something I should be talking to you about.”
“I know you were married to him, Lea. I know you loved him and fucked him. I don’t think you can tell me anything that’s gonna shock me.”
“Okay then, I don’t want to talk to you about it.”
“Talk to me,” he repeats.
“I don’t remember you being so bossy or annoying,” I grumble, taking a drink of coffee.
“Fifteen years ago, I wasn’t paying attention, and you got away from me. I wasn’t listening when you asked me if I ever wanted to leave this place, if I ever thought of doing something else with my life besides fishing. I’m not letting that happen again, Lea,” he says softly. Even as delicately as the words are spoken, they slowly cut me open, exposing old wounds, making me feel raw and vulnerable as I stand there before him.
My nose stings and I fight back tears, still managing to ask, “What’s happening between us? One minute, you tell me you hate me, then I kiss you and you storm off. And then…then, this morning…” I let the last part hang as I lower my eyes so that he can’t see my face turn red like I’m a back to being a teenager instead of a grown woman.
“I told you already that I don’t hate you.” His fingers under my chin bring my head up so our eyes meet. “I never have. Yes, the kiss took me by surprise. Your mom just passed away, and I don’t want you to use what has been building between us as a way to escape from the pain of losing her, but then regret it when you go back into your head again. As for you and me,” his face goes soft and his voice drops an octave, “we’re inevitable, Lea, and I know you feel it too. I’m drawn to you in a way that even if fifty years passed, I would still crave you on a primal level.”
“I…” Words get lodged in my throat as I look at him. I know he’s right; so much has changed, while at the same time, whatever we had so many years ago is still alive, like a living, breathing thing. It had changed with time, but is still familiar.
“Talk to me, baby,” he says again.
I take a step back and lean on the counter, taking a sip of coffee while getting my thoughts in order.
“I know it’s stupid, but I feel guilty. When I confronted him about his affair, he never apologized. He made me feel like I forced him into a relationship with someone else.” I can still feel his words like a smack in the face as he shouted them at me in our kitchen the day I saw a text between him and Courtney that was more than just business. “‘You don’t love me, so I found someone who does.’ That’s what he told me, when I asked him why.”
“Can I ask you something?” I nod, giving him permission. “If this whole situation played out the same way, with your mom needing you home, but you were still married to him, would you come to me?”
“Do you mean would I have an affair with you?” I question.
“Yeah, would you have had an affair with me, would you explore things between us while you were married to someone else?”
“No,” I say without even having to think about it. I may have wanted to, but there is no way I would do that. “When I took my vows, I took them seriously, in hopes that the feelings I felt for him would grow into more with time. I know I didn’t love him the way I should have, but I tried.”
“That’s my point, Lea. He fucked up; you have nothing to feel guilty about. He should have told you straight up that he wanted a divorce before he went out and fucked around on you. That’s not on you. It’s on him. I know it sucked for you, but he fucked up, not you.”